missing items

no travel toothbrush (can't bring the powered one with me) and no journal. Hopefully I can pick up both items in the airport.

I used to write in journals a lot. I haven't done so in a while... I'm not sure why, but it's always been important to me to do a "trip journal" on big trips. When Mike and I went on our first (and only, so far) road trip to Tahoe we did a trip journal and it was so much fun to have both of our writing in it, describing the drive, what we were doing, inside jokes... so I simply have to have a journal. I'm going to do a video diary too, but I'm much better at writing things out than I am at saying them, so I want to do a written journal too.

I went digging for an unused journal in my boxes and ended up reading thru the one that I wrote in the 12 months surrounding my separation and divorce from my first husband (and the father of my first son). What a messed up individual I was... I can't believe, sometimes, that I got thru that in one piece. I was confused, emotional, scattered, and I wrote it all out in that journal. I read over it now and I almost thing I should distroy it. There are things in it, things I wrote that my son should never see... hurtful and hateful words about his dad, who is a WONDERFUL dad, but was not my life-mate... it's almost like finding the damning evidence that the prosecutor would LOVE to get his hands on before your trial... "you can see, ladies and gentlemen of the jurry, the defendants TRUE feelings here in these journals written by her own hand..." Theres a LOT of VERY BAD poetry in them too. There are some lovely things about the beginning of my relationship with Mike tho too... and those I really don't want to loose... but a journal with all but the last 10 or so pages ripped out might seem a bit suspicious, so I don't think I'll do that either. One of the final blows that was dealt me in my former mariage was that one day my ex decided to pick up and read my journals without my permission or knowledge and then brought up my writings in our counseling session. The counselor pretty much gave up on us (him?) at that point. I laugh about it now, but I wonder if I hold a little of that fear that it will happen again, and maybe that's why I don't write much anymore.

I think what I need, to let go of that time in my life, is a ritual. I think, perhaps, that when I get back... I may build a little fire in the back field and burn the pages one by one and let go of the hurt and anger that is contained there. Ritual... a funeral... once and for all.

Its odd that these things came up tonight... just hours before I'm getting on a plane to go halfway around the world all by myself. There was a time I didn't believe I could do much at all on my own... and felt that even if I wanted to do somthing on my own I certainly wasn't worthy of the effort/expense/inconvenience necessary to even try. Experiences shape us... shaped me for sure... I say, often enough, that I wouldn't change my past because it got me to where I am now, to who I am now... and honestly, I still don't think I would, but that doesn't change the fact that remembering some of the things I've been thru in my past can create nearly as much pain as the original experience itself.

Ah counseling... maybe its my turn again.

Keep me in your thoughts, wish me bon-voyage... I may post in the morning before the flight, or in Paris or La Grave if I can find an affordable internet-caffe... but I make no promises... until then, pick up a pen... write somthing out that caused you pain... tear it out, burn it up, and feel it leave your heart forever... but only if you want to.

Posted by Lexy at March 16, 2004 09:38 PM