May 24, 2004
Week 4
Welcome to week 4.
My motivation for this CKD tanked this morning. I ate about 1/2 a dozen of the most fabulous fresh yellow peaches this weekend. So ripe and sweet and juicy that I was almost in a sugar coma by the time I stopped... I had to wash my hands to the elbows to get rid of the stickeyness. I love fruit.
It's not that I'm not going to be finishing out this final week... because I am... its just that I don't want to. (whine mode on). I know these last three weeks have made a difference... I KNOW in my head that they have... but I've become so super-critical of my body the last couple of months that I'm affraid nothing really shows up to me anymore. Its like my eyes have carnival mirrors built into them and everything looks all wavy and out of proportion... it's totally mental, I know... I just need to relax again... somehow... (whine mode off).
I've got plans for the next few weeks... a more ballanced protein/carb plan for about 4 weeks which will require a lot of pre-planning in terms of my 5-6 daily meals which will need to consist primarily of lean lean lean protein and fruit and veggies. My big thing will be prepping a bunch of protein shakes in the AM to bring with me to work. Its a good thing I actually enjoy the stuff. My carbs will come entirely from fruits and veggies which is also good. I still don't feel a need for starch/sugar in its many fabulous forms, so I'm hoping that bodes well for continued fat loss.
My Bikini should arrive this week. I'll be hoping it looks half as good on me as it did on the catalog model (wishful thinking)... and pictures will follow shortly, I promise.
ok... one last thing. I have hesitated writing this down yet because I'm not real sure I have it completely figured out in my head... but I think one of the big things holding me back from being happy with my progress and being content with my new form is that I don't feel like I deserve this. I don't really feel like I deserve this body... I'm not good enough... I should be spending more time with my husband, my kids, my work... watever. And this is really crappy. I haven't given myself permission to be fit.
What is so recockulous about this is that I spend so much time telling everyone else out there that they deserve the time and work that are necessary to loose weight and get fit. And I believe in my heart of hearts that they do... every one of them. Every one of you deserves a healthy body... you're good enough! But I, for some reason, haven't 100% translated that entitlement to myself. I don't know if I deserve this... I don't know if I'm good enough.
Please understand that I'm not asking for external reassurance here because what I'm realizing, slowly, is that all the external reassurance in the world can not change somthing that is a fundamental part of my belief system. Only I can change it. I am working on it... I am.
But I'm not there yet... and as much as it sucks to say that out loud... its the truth.
at least for now.
Posted by Lexy at May 24, 2004 08:38 AM
Comments
Regarding handing out words of wisdom to others vs. believing it for yourself: I know how you feel, don't worry. :)
Come on Brenna, one last week to go! You can do it!!!
Posted by: Brenda on 05/24/04 @ 10:39 AM
I can totally relate. It's yet another part of the process, I believe. And you are right ... no one's opinion or feelings of your worth are going to make it right in YOUR mind. That's something ONLY YOU can do. It took me so very long to figure that out. And to be quite honest, I'm STILL in the middle of the process of convincing myself that "I am WORTH it!" You'll get there in your own time.
Posted by: Lee on 05/24/04 @ 01:28 PM
Even if you don't think you deserve it, don't your kids deserve a mom that lives life to its fullest? They learn from you by example. You're showing them something really important - how to respect and care for yourself. They'll learn that by what you do, not by what you say. It's not something you can teach intellectually.
(And I'm telling you this because I have the same issues about deserving to take time for myself too. It's my backwards-logic way of getting there. I'm sure that getting there directly, feeling like, hey I deserve this, is much better. I just don't know how to get there either.)
Posted by: Ali on 05/25/04 @ 03:05 AM
I think we *all* have that feeling...cheering others on, seeing that others deserve it...but when it comes to us, not having that same gumption.
I read a great article in last months O. Long story short, a stay @ home mom feeling bad b/c she gave up career and was still carrying baby weight went to a dinner w/a friend who looked "fabulous" despite the kids and seemed okay staying @ home. Her dinner was "perfect" & she looked "perfect"
When the writer went into the kitchen to help her out, she was shocked to find this "perfect" woman being so critical about herself and was saying she was jealous of her for being able to have given up a career b/c that mean @ least she had one, whereas perfect woman never had a career and she felt being a housewife was all she knew.
It's so weird b/c we see things in other people we don't see in ourselves, without realizing people do it to us too ;)
And it goes w/o saying you have a team of people out here who know you deserve exactly what you want for us. *hugs*
Posted by: Renee on 05/25/04 @ 06:28 PM
Isn't it interesting how the external changes highlight some internal changes that need to be made as well? We all have them, and you are so right Brenna - it's a 100% internal job.
Posted by: Athena on 05/26/04 @ 12:58 PM
I think....that you know my feelings on Deserve. I will, of course, reiterate them if you wish.
Posted by: Jim (a.k.a. the Mighty Slug of Thunder) on 05/24/04 @ 08:51 AM