Body Aware

I wish I wasn't so aware of my body all the time. I know I've said this before, and I'm certain I've spent way too many hours agonizing over it in my own head, but sometimes it just needs to be said.

I wish I could turn it off for a month or so... just shut down my body-awareness and then turn it back on in 6 weeks so I can be shocked and surprised by any changes that may have happened in that period.

When I walk by a mirror I notice my jawline, or my waist or my thighs... when I get in and out of the shower I become acutely aware of my shoulders and butt and the few remaining dimples on my ass.

I just want to be able to ignore it for a while... not notice, not care.

I wonder sometimes if I'm developing BDD. Body Dysmporphic Disorder...

I don't really think that I am... I don't have an acute obsession with a perceived flaw... I have an acute obsession with lots of perceived flaws... areas that require improvement... etc.

I did 1/2 a pull up on monday and about 1/3 of a chin up. Just the fact that I could get my arms to about 90 degrees made me happy... but MAN I want to get up on that bar... DAMNIT!!!

I have been hanging between 148 and 152 lbs since December... even thru my glycogen depletion cycle I never got below 147. Obsessively counting calories and expenditures didn't change it. Eliminating sugar didn't change it, Keto-cycleing didn't change it. I don't know where my bodyfat is right now, but hopefully in the next couple of weeks I'll be able to get that tested too... and with all of my statistics and numbers seemingly failing me right now, I think I need to look at some NSVs or I'm going to explode (Lee inspired me!).

OK... here goes:

1. I am a size 8 - yes, at the Gap too, tho Gap pants are too tight in my thighs to be comfortable... the waist and hips fit fine tho... and I love my massive legs so the Gap can f'off.

2. I can run/jog 5 miles without stopping... that is nearly an hour of continuous cardio without discernable pain or suffering afterward.

3. I am helping motivate other people I know to get serious... including my Mother and two 55+ year old aunts.

4. My next door neighbor asked me if I was losing weight and said I was really looking buff.

5. I have successfully learned to knit.

6. I did my standing shoulder presses with the 25s on Monday... all of 'em. (I was up to the 35s seated, but standing is MUCH harder)

7. I haven't skipped a weekday workout in 3 weeks now (I think... I'll have to check that, but I'm pretty sure).

Ok... that's all I can come up with for now, but it'll do... Boot Camp this afternoon... but for now, I must go a virus-huntin!

Posted by Lexy at June 9, 2004 09:00 AM