Compartmentalizing

I am an emotional mess today.

Jim talks about liking his life to be compartmentalized... work stays at work, gym stays at the gym, home stays at home.

I'm not very good at that... and when somthing is messed up at work it affects my home life and when somthing is messed up at home it affects my work life and when ANYTHING AT ALL is messed up it affects my gym life etc, etc, etc.

Right now there are lots of things messed up in my head and they're affecting everything and I know it and I feel like I have very little control over it (even tho that is false and I know I have the power to take action and fix what I find is wrong) and sometimes I just want to whine about it... so here goes... (the pity party hats and name tags are in the corner... welcome... have some cheese, I'll get you a glass of whine to go with it)

I feel like I am fairly lucky in that I have a great relationship with a great guy who usually makes me feel great to be around him...and just that fact makes me feel like a complete schmuck when I'm dissatisfied with stupid little shit... and so I try to keep my mouth shut about it.

But the problem with that is that it sits there and goes no where and the little things build up and eventually I feel like crap about everything in the relationship and I don't know where to put it all... so I'm gonna put it here for now.

I know we all suffer with body image problems. Mine are no worse than anyone elses... its there... all the time, and when people tell me I look great or am getting buff or whatever it helps... but when the person I really want to hear it from is just not a big communicator (which I knew when we got married and so have no cause for complaining) and doesn't give me feedback like that, I get annoyed... and hurt... ok, mostly hurt and sad... the annoyed part is a reaction to the hurt part.

And it's not like I even want verbal communication exclusively... I'd take just about anything non-verbal at this point over what I'm getting. I wish he would do somthing that made me feel like he wanted to rip my clothes off or that he had fabulous erotic dreams about me, or that he was proud to have me by his side in public. Things like that would make me feel like I was still attractive to him. As it stands I feel like I am a means to an end rather than the end itself... (again, it is a pitty party, feel free to mill about uncomfortably and look at your toes.)

We have our mitigating circumstances of course... its hard to hold hands while walking in public when you have 2 kids to keep track of, one of whom is a runner. We work oposite shifts and see each other 2-3 nights per week barring outside engagements (since those 3 nights a week are the only times we can each really go out and do alone things this also cuts into our "us" time)... we don't really go on dates or overnight weekends as we have no family close to leave the kids with. Neither of us gets enough sleep for a normal human being... and when we are together there is a constant cloud of crap that needs to get done over our heads (especially mine) making it virtually impossible to relax. So there you have it... the typical harried 2 jobs 2 kids household with passion dieing of neglect... joy.

Ok... that's enough whining for now... I'll go work off some of the negativity in the gym this afternoon, thank you for attending the pitty party... I can call you a cab if you'd like.

Posted by Lexy at June 11, 2004 09:43 AM