Sunday

I've been cleaning house all day.

When my home is in chaos my life shortly follows and I've spent quite a lot of effort lately trying to ignore the chaos that has become my home and thus my life. I've been doing a REALLY good job of placing blame everywhere but where it really belongs and feeling like I had to answer to lots of people I hardly know for things that were "not within my control," but which really ARE within my control and I just didn't want to accept my share of the blame. In any case, this is about me. About my life and my body and if the shit I say is offensive to you then fuck off and don't come back. I created this chaos and I'm takin' some steps now to create the order I need to be happy and fulfilled in my body/life/relationship/job... etc... etc... ad nausium.

Step one: CLEAN MY FUCKING PIG STY OF A HOUSE! I live with four men (husband, 6 year old, 2 year old and DOG) Men are dirty. Men must be trained to control their inertia... period. So the training has begun and the toys that are left out will go to charity (no chances, no excuses) and a chore list has been created and posted... we'll see how it goes. Those who complete their chores get stars (even me!) and those who get all their stars for a week get prizes, the rest get nothing. ;) My biggest neurosis is dishes, so my goal for the month will be to leave no dishes on the counter or in the sink each night... no dishes out equals a happy me.

Step two: CLEAN MY FUCKING DIET UP! Starting tomorrow I am on the Linn Holdenhusen Plan which will consist of:

Protein: 140 grams - 560 calories
Carbs: 180 grams - 720 calories
Fat: 30 grams - 270 calories

My carbs will come primarily from fruit and veggies and my protein from chicken and protein shakes. There will be very little dairy (except the skim milk for my shakes) no cheese and very little grain. Saturday will be my one day off... during which time I will not worry about what I eat... but will deal with my true hunger as it comes and attempt to mitigate the cravings that may happen wtih healthy alternatives.

Think I can't do it? Then Fuck right off and come back in four weeks when I've been at it for a month and I can rub it in your fucking negative and unsupportive face.

Step Three: GET MY ASS BACK IN GEAR:

Monday - Boot Camp
Tuesday - Swimming at 5:45 am, Running in the afternoon (at LEAST 3 miles)
Wednesday - Boot Camp
Thursday - Swimming at 5:45 am, Running in the aftenoon (at LEAST 3 miles)
Friday - Boot Camp
Saturday - FULL rest
Sunday - Ride and run

I've done this plan before but with swimming on Mo/We/Fr, but with this plan I think my ankle will hold up better.

Step Four: DO SOMTHING EVERY DAY TO FULFILL MY PARTNERS EMOTIONAL NEEDS: (the ones that are important to him, not the ones I think should be important to him because they're important to me). No elaboration necessary.

Step Five: TAKE REAL STEPS TOWARD CHANGING MY CAREER PATH: Yesterday I sent in my registration for the Human Anatomy and Physiology course at Birthingway College of Midwifery. It starts in September and costs a fucking fortune but I don't give a rats ass... it's a prerequisite for entry into the college and I'm going to take it. Hoo-fucking-ray!

So here I am. Pretty fucking raw (emotionally) and sick of making excuses and placing blame (yes, this is cyclic... yes I'm aware of patterns in my life... thanks for the fucking psychotherapy, if you don't think I am seeking outside help you're off your rocker and if you can be supportive then once again I will tell you to fuck the hell off and pretend you never saw this blog).

I hope to hell that those of you who I have come to call my friends can see thru the obvious self-defensive posturing and find it in your hearts to keep being the supportive and amazing people that I've come to know you as... but if you can't, I understand and I'll see you on the flip side.

My writing for the next while may continue to be raw, or it might mellow out... one thing it won't do is end.

I'm still here... and I'm certainly not going anywhere... at least not yet.

Posted by Lexy at June 20, 2004 08:08 PM