Moments of Clarity

They happen fairly rarely for me these days.

Seems I'm too busy, too stressed, too pressured by myself and my life to be perfect, just right, constantly improving. That kind of pressure can make it very difficult to find any clarity at all...

Yesterday I didn't leave my house and never got out of my jammies (which I don't wear to actually sleep... just to lounge around the house in) except to shower. I knitted. I paid homage to the high-holy game that occupies the Sundays of so very many americans... and both my teams won (Seahawks and Packers)... in the last moments of the games no less... I snuggled with my babies and with my hubby. I didn't clean (much). I did my A&P homework (barely) and stayed up late watching world-poker-tour with my hubby... (we each picked a player to win... if our player lost we had to give the other person backrubs and then pick a new player... I lost first, but then won... and my second guy was the final winner earning me double backrubs!!! HOORAY!). I fell asleep easily and woke up on time.

And somehow all of this worked. It worked so well that it created a very nice moment of clarity when I was driving in to work this morning... and the clarity was just this:

It doesn't matter. Yesterday was GREAT, close to perfection even, and it wasn't because I ate perfectly or had a fabulous workout, or dropped a pound on the scale (none of which happened). It was great because I spent all of my time doing things that were fulfilling to me. That is not to say that working out is not fulfilling to me, because it is... but its not the ONLY thing in the world that gives me this buzz... because I have it this morning, you know that buzz... the one that comes after you've had a REALLY great workout and your skin just sort of tingles and your brain is on overdrive and you're STARVING? I feel that right now and I didn't have to go to the gym to get it.

So those worries about the white-low-fiber foods that will be occupying a mainstay of my spouses diet for a while? They don't matter. Neither do those extra couple of pounds on the scale. They absolutely don't. Because there are people who would kill for my body at 148 lbs and there are people who would kill for my body at 165lbs... and I refuse to be one of them. It doesn't matter. Killing myself for a number and focusing all of my time and energy on it is completely and totally counter productive and would have eliminated the joy that was yesterday for me... I would have been stressed to plan all of my meals, to find a way to exercise... to do somthing OTHER than what I really wanted to do. So none of it matters.

Ballance matters. Yes, I lost 45 lbs, so what? Right here and now I declare my indepenance from the numbers... they don't matter. Keeping my hubby from being in excruciating pain for days at a time? That matters.

I am happy. I have my family. I have my health... and THOSE are what matter.

Am I changing my workout goals? Hell no... but you will probably see me write more about life in general in addition to my workouts and such as I move forward and try to keep this clarity that I've found. If you enjoy it, great! If not... oh well... because this is me... in all of my ups and downs.

Posted by Lexy at November 22, 2004 09:02 AM