Double Workout Wednesday

>From a while I will be doing double workouts on Wednesdays... today I was supposed to get up for spin class and then do circuit training at 3pm. That didn't work out so well when I woke up 5 minutes AFTER the spinning class was to have started (damned alarm clock!) so instead I went over to the gym at 2:15, did 45 minutes of cardio on the treadmill and then did the circuit training class from 3-4pm... wham, bam, thank you maam! 1:45 of straight exercise and damn it feels good to be a gansta!

Alissa teaches the circuit training class which is really a full-body conditioning class (she's gonna rename it soon) and she was impressed that I made it all the way thru after the run I'd put in. I am making buffalo flank steak with mushrooms, baked taters (small ones) and steamed broccoli for dinner tonight... all 100% organic... YAY!

hungry I am.

I am pleased that I will be able to report a 1" loss (possibly 1.5 since monthly bloat should be passing today or tomorrow) for Kat's Birthday Butt Challenge - I SO want her to have that pink mini-iPod!

scattered a bit still, I guess.

Still have much of my brain focused on Jim and Laurie... hoping for that which is beyond hope.

Note to self:

Hey brenna? Yeah... little mrs "lexy smash"... that's right, I'm talking to you.

You know that thing you did this afternoon around 2:30 with the tall non-fat vanilla latte and the peanutbutter cookie? (like the non-fat milk was gonna make up for the sugar and fat in the cookie? HA!) You know, the ones you consumed when you weren't even hungry and can't even remember what they tasted like because you wholfed them down so fast??? Yeah, I saw that and you did too... remember our little talk about "stress eating"?!? Well fess up sista, cause that's just what that was and you know it and you're better than that!!! You KNOW you were stressed about that project plan... you KNOW that the deadline is looming and that you've got tasks and action items still incomplete but exactly how does stuffing your face with 500-800 calories of CRAP help that situation at all? Next time get up from your desk and get your ass outside for a walk with your water bottle and cool it before you do any more dammage to the progress you've been making. Got it? Good... lets not have this talk again, shal we? night night.

This is what a morning workout SHOULD feel like!

Got up on time, got to the gym early, did 35 minutes of intervals on the eliptical (first 17 minutes at 1 minute intervals and last 17 at 2 minute intervals) and then distroyed my abs for about 15 minutes... had about 10 minutes to spare so what the hell I threw in four sets of smith squats at 50 lbs (20 reps per set) and headed into the showers sweaty and glowey and buzzing.

I have two thoughts on my mind right now, the first is that my inlaws come on friday for a week to visit with the kiddos... (this is a good thing, Mike and I take FULL advantage whenever one or the other sets of grandparents show up) so I need to get to work cleaning the house; and the second is that I turn 30 in just about 4 months. Now it is a well known tradition that women are supposed to do somthing wild and crazy on their 30th birthday... go to vegas with the girls... get drunk and go dancing with the girls... pick up a hot italian guy in a bar and end up in his flat in Soho... whatever... it's almost like a second batchelorette party (or first for those who are still single) but seriously... I have no desire to do that kind of stuff. My favorite traveling partner is Mike, we have a lot of fun together, and I feel like I don't get to spend enough time with him and the kids anyway, so taking another solo trip just doesn't appeal.

I'm thinking what I'd really love is to spend a few days at the beach with my kids... it's the weekend after the Triathlon this year and that would be a lot of fun for everyone I think... I don't know... maybe Mike will surprise me (should I hold my breath???) heh.

In any case, those are the things I am pondering today... that and the stark reality that is our own personal mortality... but that's a whole other entry all together.

Gorgeous Freakin' Day!!!

Seriously... it's perfect! Sunny, glorious, 72 degrees, slight breeze... perfect! Todays workout was great too. Even tho I didn't make it in to the gym this morning I came to work prepared for a mid-day workout:

6 minute warmup on treamill, till I realized I should be OUTSIDE running!!!
3 mile run (OUTSIDE!) in 28:48 (not great, but not bad either)...
5 minutes on the rowing machine to cool down.

1 set each of the following exercises (20 reps per set, so I used pretty light weights for me)
Hammer curls (8lb dbs)
Alternating bicep curls (8lb dbs)
Concentration curls (8lb dbs)
Single Arm Tricep Overhead Press (8lb dbs)
Tricep Kick Back (8lb dbs)
Tricep cable pull down (35lbs) Rope attachment
Overhead Shoulder Press (8lb dbs)
Upright Row (8lb dbs)
Overhead Shoulder Press (8lb dbs)
30+ slow alternating bicycles, Swiss Ball pass (hands to feet with a crunch in the middle), plank pose for 45 seconds, Tripple crunches, 15 bicycles.

The scale said 151 today which really feels like a good jumping off point for my next 5 weeks of fat-burning. I want to work on my daily menus tonight (I decided against e-diets... like Brenda said a couple of days ago... I KNOW what works... I just need to do a little pre-planning and everything will be fine). I need to focus on 0 sugar, lots of good lean protein, veggies, some fruit and skim-dairy. I am going to try to make a document of some sort out of my menu plans that I can post for all to see and critique, so I'll keep you all posted on that.

OH! I did start working on the France pictures and it turns out that when I've been drinking I tend to take a lot of crappy photos of the backs of peoples' heads! I'm wading thru those, editing and preping for web-friendlyness and hopefully I'll have somthing for you soon.

All my thoughts are with Jim (thunderslug) and Laurie.

by popular demand:

the two nutritious meals my kids ate (bear in mind I am VERY lucky and both my kids LOVE broccoli and lettuce and most veggies).

High Pasta - cook and drain some angel hair pasta (not low carb but can be made low fat by reducing the butter or using 1/2 olive oil)

in a skillet lightly brown about 1tbs butter per serving, add salt, pepper and about a clove (or more if you like it) of chopped garlic. Toss in a LARGE handfull of spinach leaves (torn) and a couple of tbs of chopped roma tomato, when spinach is wilted toss in 1 serving of the pasta. Heat thru, dump on a plate and sprinkle with parmesan. Served this with steamed broccoli... I've also done it with cubes of firm tofu added at the beginning for protein (yum!)

chicken taco salads - boil 2-3 large chicken breasts in well salted water until done.

In a skillet shred the chicken with two forks and add taco seasonings and water as instructed on the packet (we go for msg-free and fairly mild for the kids). Put some chopped or chiffonnade of letuce in a bowl, spoon some chicken over top throw on tomatos, olives, shredded cheese a dollop of sour cream (lf) and a few baked tortilla chips! I add salsa and only use a little cheese on mine.

Lots of veggies and happy kiddies! (and a very happy mommy)

Tooting my own horn

I'm pretty proud of myself this week. On Monday I traveled from Paris to Portland, took one day to recover, and worked out Wednesday, Thursday and Friday (and am going to run 4 miles tomorrow). I didn't gain any weight on my vacation. I cooked a nutritious, healthy dinner that BOTH MY KIDS ATE (this alone is a miracle) on both Wednesday and Thursday nights. I have had renewed energy at work and have been really getting things accomplished... And today, at the gym, I had a breakthrough. It probably isn't that big of a deal, but... Well... I took off my shirt.

It wasn't something I'd planned... Like, "ok, today I'll wear these shorts and that sports-bra to workout... La de da..." I actually wore a long sleeved running shirt (very breathable, lightweight) over my sports-bra. It was the only clean gym top I had as my T-shirt collection has grown too big and rather ratty, and I figured it would be fine... But today was intervals... For 35 minutes on the elliptical and by minute 8 I was dyeing of heat... I had to take the shirt off or I was going to over-heat and pass out. So I did. For the first time (that I can remember) I did the remainder of my workout in bike-shorts and a sports bra... And was almost comfortable... But not completely.

I don't know if I'll ever be completely un-selfconscious about my belly with its myriad of stretchmarks and scarred belly button from the piercing it used to sport. The stretched skin there may never completely firm up into the 6-pack abs I'd love for it to display. Its been dammaged by life and by producing life, and while mentally that's perfectly ok in my head... sometimes that just doesn't translate into complete comfort with it's public display. ah well.

For now it's coffee and banana time, and next week I'll be back to logging food in fit-day and hopefully on April 3rd (I think that's the date) I'll have at LEAST a 1" loss around my butt to contribute to Kat's Birthday Butt Challenge Totals!

Full steam ahead?

Got to the gym around 10 to 6 this morning and Alissa put me thru a GOOD circuit workout. Cardio intervals with Abs, Chest/Back, Abs, Quads/Hams, Abs, more cardio, Abs, etc... It was great. I'm really feeling it right now and I expect tomorrow to be even more painful. The good news is that Alissa works tomorrow morning as well, so she'll be working me out then too. It almost feels like I never left.

On the dietary front I am really trying to focus my diet (as usual) around the organic fruits/veggies that I get delivered every other week from Pioneer Organics (they rock, if you sign up, tell them I referred you and I'll get a free box!) and lean organic/free-range sources of protein (oh, and soy)... but ya know what? I've been thinking about my diet for going on 2 years now and I'm getting pretty darned sick of it and I'm thinking I might just join e-diets to see if I can cope with someone just telling me what to eat every day. Could be a nice break for the brain.

Lean is hard to achieve... probably hard to maintain too, but for now I just want to get there.

A couple of links for the fun of it:

Lost Luggage
I Feel GRRRREAT!

Back in the Saddle again.

The overwhelming fatigue has been hitting me around 7 or 8pm each night thus far, and waking up in the morning has been a true chore... but today I decided to bring my stuff anyway and attend Alissa's circuit training class at 3pm to get myself moving back into the daily exercise routine. The weather has been so nice that I've been spending the last two evenings out in the street (its a dead end) playing with the kids so I haven't been completely inactive... just mostly inactive. Today felt good. I was shakey and woosey a bit at the end of the class, but I sweated a LOT, fatigued my muscles and got my heart rate right up where it needed to be.

I'm really glad I wasn't completely inert in France as well. We walked a LOT, pretty much everywhere we went... and then there was the surreal morning Paris run and the gorgeous hike in the alps (altitude is an amazing thing... it wasn't a HARD walk... but it was hard to KEEP walking because of the lack of oxygen)... it almost felt like I didn't really take a vacation from exercise, and that is good (for me). It reminded me that I can run just about anywhere I go... hell why not? It's a great way to check out the place you are in a way most tourists never do, and that early morning lack of foot traffic really allows you to see things you would miss in the crowds.

I'm still working on getting the pictures up. Pope (the model) gave me his email address and phone number in Cape Town, South Africa in the hopes I would keep in touch and maybe one day bring the family to visit him there... what an adventure that would be. I'd LOVE to go to Affrica... anyone want to go to Africa? I have a picture we took on the plane to prove I was sitting next to him and conversing with him for nearly 10 hours... not that y'all wouldn't believe me... but hey... ya never know, right?

I have SO MANY blogs to catch up on... emails to respond to... and work that is biting at my ankles for attention when really all I want to do is sleep for a week... ah well, I'm STILL glad I went, and I'm thrilled my family got to be together for Bertrand's wedding.

We like to tell a story about Bert and Steph that kind of describes the depth of their relationship. They are adventurers at heart. They live in the high-alps, they take vacations to Alaska to hike for weeks in the mountains... it was on one of these vacations, during a week long hike in the Talkeetna mountain range that Stephanie got sick. Stephanie has a condition (much like fibromialgia) that causes her tendons to swell and become inflamed and painful to the point of her not being able to walk. It doesn't happen often... but on this trip it did. Bert had to leave her in the wilderness and bushwhack his way out of the woods non-stop for 18 hours until he found a cabin occupied by a bush-pilot who was alone and drunk and almost shot Bert because he thought there was a bear at his door (who else would be knocking on a remote cabin door that's only accessable by bushplane?) The pilot was too drunk to fly them out that night, but the next morning (significantly sobered up) they flew to Talkeetna, contacted the forrest rangers and got a helicopter in the air to rescue Stephanie. Stephanie spent nearly 36 hours alone in the woods unable to move and unsure when or if she would be rescued, Bert was exhausted when they found her... but he made it, and I have a feeling somthing like that can realy solidify in the hearts of a couple just how important they are to each other.

It's my fault we have a "French Brother"... when I was a sophomore in highschool I brought home information from my French class about having an exchange student. I was the one who INSISTED we get a boy (hell we already had 4 girls, who needed another girl?) and it was I who picked his profile out of the pile. There was a lot of luck involved... but I like to think there was some fate in there too. Bertrand almost instantly became one of us (despite being overwhelmed by the presence of 4 girls when he only has one blood-brother at home) and he will be our brother for life. Thru the whole wedding we were treated as Bert's second family... we were invited to all of the "family only" events... and we were honored at the reception with mentions in speeches and toasts by native French speakers who took the time to learn enough English to let us know how important it was to them that we were there and how honored they were that we would cross a continent and an ocean to be there for the wedding... it was pretty damed cool all around.

Ok... I'll stop gushing now, Thanks EVERYONE for keeping me in their thoughts, I'll write up a full trip report soon, I promise... but for now... it's back to the grindstone and at 5:45 tomorrow morning Alissa (who today during class came over and told me my upper body looks totally lean!) starts me on an INTENSE 6 week fat-burning program... wish me luck!

Quick Highlights from France:

1. I went running with two of my sisters the morning after I arrived in Paris. We ran from where we were staying near the Sorbonne University down to the Seine River, along the banks and over the bridge in front of the Louvre, into the courtyard of the Louvre, back out along the opposite bank of the Seine to Notre Dame Cathedral and back up to Place de la Sorbonne. About 3 miles in just about 30 minutes... it was sprinkling lightly and beautiful.

2. I hiked in the Alps for about 2 hours... gained aproximately 800-1000 vertical feet (starting from 5400 feet) in about 1.5 miles... VERY VERY steep paths. The views were awesome and the trip back down was fun.

3. I ate all SORTS of wonderful french bread, pastries, wine, coffee, crepes, etc... and gained exactly nothing, nada, zip, zero, zilch!

4. The wedding was fabulous (3 days long).

5. The french cook the HELL out of everything meat or vegitable related which I didn't enjoy much... but ah well... I had bread!!!

6. Jet Lag is a sucky sucky thing.

oh yeah... and:

7. My French brother told me that he almost didn't recognize me because I'd melted since he last saw me. (same time my "before" picture was taken) That was pretty cool.

Home sweet Home!

I am so glad to be HOME... wow... what a trip... and to top it off, THIS is who I sat next to on the plane from Amsterdam to Seattle... I think I may have convinced him to cut back on his sugar intake due to his familial history of type II diabetes... he was VERY sweet and a total gentleman with both feet on the ground despite being in the "fashion/modling/beauty" industry... plus he smelled divine!

I am so exhausted I can't even think of where to start talking about the trip, so it will have to wait till tomorrow... I'm really sorry, but I'm just so glad to be home and I want to go snuggle my babies for a while.

HUGS ALL!!!

There is NOTHING like

losing an entire day to traveling the wrong way across time zones.

I am in paris, in an internet cafe now, loving the city, enjoying my family. We're going to get up and go for a run around the city tomorrow morning before we hop a train to LaGrave.

Having a ball, despite the fatigue, I'm even remembering a lot of my French... c'est tres bon!

missing items

no travel toothbrush (can't bring the powered one with me) and no journal. Hopefully I can pick up both items in the airport.

I used to write in journals a lot. I haven't done so in a while... I'm not sure why, but it's always been important to me to do a "trip journal" on big trips. When Mike and I went on our first (and only, so far) road trip to Tahoe we did a trip journal and it was so much fun to have both of our writing in it, describing the drive, what we were doing, inside jokes... so I simply have to have a journal. I'm going to do a video diary too, but I'm much better at writing things out than I am at saying them, so I want to do a written journal too.

I went digging for an unused journal in my boxes and ended up reading thru the one that I wrote in the 12 months surrounding my separation and divorce from my first husband (and the father of my first son). What a messed up individual I was... I can't believe, sometimes, that I got thru that in one piece. I was confused, emotional, scattered, and I wrote it all out in that journal. I read over it now and I almost thing I should distroy it. There are things in it, things I wrote that my son should never see... hurtful and hateful words about his dad, who is a WONDERFUL dad, but was not my life-mate... it's almost like finding the damning evidence that the prosecutor would LOVE to get his hands on before your trial... "you can see, ladies and gentlemen of the jurry, the defendants TRUE feelings here in these journals written by her own hand..." Theres a LOT of VERY BAD poetry in them too. There are some lovely things about the beginning of my relationship with Mike tho too... and those I really don't want to loose... but a journal with all but the last 10 or so pages ripped out might seem a bit suspicious, so I don't think I'll do that either. One of the final blows that was dealt me in my former mariage was that one day my ex decided to pick up and read my journals without my permission or knowledge and then brought up my writings in our counseling session. The counselor pretty much gave up on us (him?) at that point. I laugh about it now, but I wonder if I hold a little of that fear that it will happen again, and maybe that's why I don't write much anymore.

I think what I need, to let go of that time in my life, is a ritual. I think, perhaps, that when I get back... I may build a little fire in the back field and burn the pages one by one and let go of the hurt and anger that is contained there. Ritual... a funeral... once and for all.

Its odd that these things came up tonight... just hours before I'm getting on a plane to go halfway around the world all by myself. There was a time I didn't believe I could do much at all on my own... and felt that even if I wanted to do somthing on my own I certainly wasn't worthy of the effort/expense/inconvenience necessary to even try. Experiences shape us... shaped me for sure... I say, often enough, that I wouldn't change my past because it got me to where I am now, to who I am now... and honestly, I still don't think I would, but that doesn't change the fact that remembering some of the things I've been thru in my past can create nearly as much pain as the original experience itself.

Ah counseling... maybe its my turn again.

Keep me in your thoughts, wish me bon-voyage... I may post in the morning before the flight, or in Paris or La Grave if I can find an affordable internet-caffe... but I make no promises... until then, pick up a pen... write somthing out that caused you pain... tear it out, burn it up, and feel it leave your heart forever... but only if you want to.

I can't believe I'm going to France... TOMORROW!!!

I have to cancel my appointments with my hairdresser and financial-planner dude. I will worry about filing the taxes when I get back. I have most of what I want to pack laid out in the closet (now I just have to pack it!) I got new tapes for the dv-recorder and charged the batteries on it and the digital camera. My wonderful man is loading up my MP3 player with tunes for me to listen to on the plane (again... do you think I'm over-doing the digital recording devices?) and I'm going to pick up "Passing for Thin" at the bookstore on the way home tonight. I have my passport and itinerary and a Paris Metro map printed (with the proper stop for the hotel circled in highlighter) and tucked into my backpack... I still don't have any Euros but I figure I can hit an ATM in the airport when I get there anyway and that will be fine. I loaded up on zone-perfect bars and sunflower seeds and bottled water to take on the plane with me (9 hours is a LONG ASS TIME!!!). I have undies and socks and black tights to wear with the dress I'm wearing to the wedding. I have mini-toiletries, including a new toothbrush, deodorant, toothpaste, lotion, shampoo, conditioner and advil (just in case). I need to grab one of my paper journals and a pen so I can write when I get bored of reading... gloves scarf hat and coat for the alps... running shoes and one set of running gear so I can say I ran in the French Alps.

I still can't believe I'm doing this.

6 days away from my husband and boys. 6 days is the longest I've been away from them, alone... GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE SO MUCH FUN!!!! ;)

Oh... working out with Alissa at 1. Have my followup with the chiropractor at 10:50a, but I'm feeling SO much better that with a couple of minor tweaks of the cervical vertibrae I should be good as new...

I can't believe I'm going to France.

Tomorrow...

whoah.

Oh...

and my apologies to Robyn Anderson... I can not BELIEVE I have neglected to add a link to OFB until today... I suck... I read you all the time and am just now getting around to adding your link.

You ROCK!

It went OK.

I met April and her mommy at the race site (they did the 3.5/4 mile fitness walk) and we all picked up our bibs and t-shirts (pretty nice long sleeved with the requisite shamrock design on the front and the sponsors on the back). Then we walked to a farily open area... I stretched a bit... and then they wished me luck and I lost myself in the crowd in front of the starting line.

The race itself was not spectacular... My last race time was 31:40 or there abouts and I finished this one in just about 30:50 despite the mile long uphill on Broadway in Downtown Portland (I hate hills... especially LONG hills). I can't be sure of my exact time because I was about 20-25 seconds back from the start line and I completely forgot to wear my watch and the "official results" aren't up yet on the web. I will update on that later. Overall I felt fine during the run... I am glad I didn't do the 8k as I'm definitely not in top running form right now... I really need to get outside and do more long runs, I just can't stand to do them inside on the treadmill. Now that it's finally getting nice again I will definitely start doing that.

I am stressing today about the fact that I leave for France in two days... AIEEEE!!! I need to finish packing, get a few euros for my metro ticket when I get to Paris so I can get to the hotel where my family will be staying... I have my passport, itinerary... oh I need books for that 9 hour flight!!! Hopefully with the free booze I'll sleep a bit, but man... I'm going to need somthing else to occupy my time too. Batteries for the MP-3 player... charge the video camera and digital camera... (am I going overboard with the recording devices?) The rest of my family leaves today, so I'm excited for them too. My parents have never been to Europe even tho they've sent every one of their 5 kids over at some time or other. My mom is like a little kid on Christmas Eve... just giddy! I love it!

In other news I walked into the gym this morning and told Alissa, "I'm ready." I am going on my vacation (during which I will do whatever the heck I want and not worry about fitness!) and when I come back I'm giving this thing 6 weeks of total dedication and we're going to see my body fat drop at LEAST 2% over that period. It will take a lot of discipline and mental toughness, but you know what? I bust my ASS at the gym and I want to LOOK like I bust my ass at the gym and if that means 6+ weeks of a LOT of cardio (intervals on top of sustained cardio) and circuit training instead of heavy lifting... I'm willing to do it. And yes, Jim... I want veins. (never thought I'd say that).

coffee and my apple are calling... cheers!

scared

hmmm...

I've never run a race alone before.

seriously.

not that it's a huge deal... heck, I might even really like it... but for every race up to now I've had a friend running or tri-ing with me or at least showing up and cheering me on... but no more.

so tomorrow I'm running my first "solo" race.

and I'm a dorky little bundle of nerves... ACK!

all that really matters is that I show up, run and finish, right?

I think I'll go sit in my room and giggle for a while now.

(yay me?)

Lots of Random Stuff

The incessant chirping of your smoke alarm who wants a new battery (not the one in the hall outside your room, but the one actually IN your room and directly over your head) is not a welcome sound at 3am.

This is what I get for getting so excited about France (and I'm going to Paris by way of Amsterdam on KLM and then taking the train to a sleepy little mountain town called La Grave)... woke up to the alarm this morning... started to sit up and heard a HUGE CRACK/POP in my neck and immediately collapsed in that imobilizing pain that is muscles seizing and nerves sending searing fire signals to your brain. I couldn't bring my head to center without severe pain... I was looking down and to the right for about 2 hours... called work... took a HOT shower and popped about 1200mg of Ibuprofen. Then I started making calls. I know that urgent care will just give me vicodin and muscle-relaxers (which I can't stand to take) so I'm going to see my chiro at 11:30 and she will fix me right up. This happens every 2 or 3 years ever since I was rear-ended by a State Trooper in Alaska when I was 17. Its been a while since the last one tho, and that one landed me in the ER because I was in so much pain I couldn't move from my bed and Mike panicked and called an ambulance. IM shots of pain killers and muscle relaxers and they sent me home. Joy... I'll take the chiro, thanks.

and just in case anyone is curious... I am going to France for my French-Brother's wedding. (YIPPEE!!!) He was an exchange student that lived with us during my senior year of highscool (and for a summer before that) and has really become a part of our family. I didn't think I was going to be able to go... but Mike finally said, "Just GO!" and so I'm GOING! We got and AWESOME fare for buying 6 days before I'm flying but there are even better fares to Europe right now as they transition from "low-season" to "high-season." I am excited beyond words and all of my sisters and my parents are going to be there. HOORAY!

I am working on my headspace today (not exercising due to the neck and the fact that I want to be able to run in the Shamrock on Sunday) and for the rest of the weekend. You all are so awesome in your comments below. Jim is right... deciding to "get lean" is going to take a decision just as big as the decision that got me here 45lbs ago. I am NOT alone in this journey, and I can feel all of your support keeping me going and hauling my ass out of bed and looking over my shoulder as I peer into the fridge every day. Have a great weekend, everyone... I'll post about the Race on Sunday and we'll see where we are on Monday.

HUGS!!!

Francy-Pants

I gots a secret... can you guess what it is?

I'm going to France!!!!

WOOHOO!!! We're (all my sisters and I are) gonna run the french countryside TOGETHAH!!!

I can't believe it... I am so excited... I leave next Wednesday... whirlwind trip Wednesday the 17th thru Monday the 22nd... back to work on Tuesday... I'm insane... I know I am!!!!

YIPPEE!!!

Maybe this will help me get my head on straight...

aw who the heck cares? I'm going to FRANCE!!!!

fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck

fuck

fuck fuck fuck

25%

still 25 fucking %. Now granted there has been some "recovery" from my wedding and the holidays and such... but COME THE FUCK ON!!! I FEEL leaner, I am stronger... I need a SERIOUS mental adjustment right now and I'm not sure how to go about getting it. I gained all of .7lb of lean and dropped a measely .25% body fat. lovely.

I lamented to Alissa after the test.

She said somthing to the effect of, "look... you CAN get lean and strong at the same time... its just easier to do one or the other separately and then switch focus as things progress. Maybe you need to switch focus for a while to lean out so you can SEE your results on your body rather than just feeling them with the strength you're gaining." (which I am and which I do notice) FUCK!!! She is right tho... I am getting depressed and annoyed because the scale hasn't moved in months... hell I can't even get back to my pre-christmas weight... and measurements aren't changing and... and... and... well I'm frustrated. I'm getting angry at my body (why does it refuse to move past this set point???) and I SO want to be lean. Getting lean means a LOT of discipline when you're at this stage. Getting lean means a lot of cardio and circuit training. I don't want my life to revolve around getting lean... but I don't know what I have to do to make this happen.

So Alissa wants to change things up for me, refocus me toward getting the visual results I want before we refocus on strength. I need to spend some time this weekend really figuring out what my motivations are and what I'm willing to do to get to my goals... I need to be re-inspired... I need somthing.

anyone got some of that they can spare?

Legs

Legs are very good things. For those of us who are fortunate enough to be able-bodied they keep us mobile, upright, and able to access a lot of cool places in this world. I realized this morning that I'm really starting to like my legs and I would have a very hard time dealing with the loss of them were that ever to happen. And it's not just that I like being able to walk and run and get around easily, because I do love that and appreciate the fact that I am able to do so with the legs that I've been given, but finally... for the first time in my conscious memory I'm really starting to LIKE my legs. It is so vain and stupid but, well... when you're born with the combo of thunder thighs and a bubble butt, liking your legs as part of your complete body is a little hard to get your brain and heart around sometimes... especially when you're 50+lbs overweight... and you're lucky they can still haul your fat ass up and down the stairs to your bedroom every night.

Today I looked at my legs and I liked them. I liked the fact that my quads are growing outward from just above my knees and that they get all puffy when I lunge and skwat and spin. I like my calves (even tho they're not huge) they taper into my ankles nicely and you can see the definition between the muscles when I walk up stairs. I like that despite being stuck between 148 and 151 for the last 3+ months they're starting to really look leaner from top to bottom. I knew that the area between my knees and my ribcage would be the last to really shape up and lose the layers of fat that have cloaked it for many years... but I do finally feel like there is progress being made in the whole butt, thigh region and it makes me happy.

Jason took it easy on us today... that or I took it easy on myself, but I think it was a combo of both. I really can't recommend spinning enough to anyone who can't get out and bike because of the weather... real biking would kick spinnings ass every day of the week just for the pure rush of moving fast under your own power outside on a gorgeous day, but for those of us who live with rain or snow for 6+ months of the year, spinning kicks ass... and it kicks your ass too. I woke up this morning feeling pretty normal, got to the gym 30 minutes before class started so I did some abs work on the swiss-ball and then rowed for about 10 minutes (taking it VERY easy) and did some stretching. The class itself was great, lots of sweat, heart pounding, legs burning and that burning, I think, is what made me really notice my legs this morning. It was a good morning.

Tomorrow Dave the ultrasound body-fat tester man will be here and we'll see where he says I am. I'm pretty determined not to get upset about a number, but I am imagining myself breaking down in tears in his office if the number is over 22%... I'll do my best, but hey... I'm a girl... I can make no promises.

Coffee is calling.

cardio

sorry about the rant... it happens sometimes.

I went ahead and did 45 minutes of moderate cardio (heartrate in the 130s-150s) at lunch time and it felt pretty good. 30 minutes on the treadmill at various speeds from speed walking to running at 5.5mph and hills from .5% to 5% (walking the steeps, running the flats) you get the idea. I followed that by 15 minutes on the eliptical... pretty steady at level 8 and cooling down the last 5 minutes at level 5. Felt pretty good tho I did get a stitch in my side during the treadmill bit... I breathed deep and ran thru it tho and when it passed I was pretty pleased with myself for not stopping.

Nutrition for the last three days has been pretty abismal. I didn't feel like eating much again today so I just followed my appetite: English muffin w/pb for breakfast, vegitarian minestrone for lunch, cheerios with skim milk after work and chicken breast with home-made marinara and some mashed red-potatos for dinner. I had my morning latte for the first time in four days too and man was that wonderful. So for Sunday I was at about 250-300 calories (sorbet and saltines), minus everything from the day before that my body decided to purge (heh!), Monday was probably under 1000 calories and today might have tipped the scales at 1100 if I'm lucky. I seriously need to work on getting some nutrition into my body tomorrow or the muscle/strength loss from this little bug is going to be real and noticeable.

The good news is that I finally feel like I am getting rehydrated so the 4 litres of water have been usefull despite the extra bathroom breaks. Pee early, pee often as I imagine Jim would say, given the chance.

I think I'll spin tomorrow morning... I suppose that means I should go to bed now... yes... I think I'll do that. Nighty night!

Whats with all the violence?

Battling the bulge, fighting fat, kicking the sugar habit, Destroying ourselves at the gym, etc., etc., ad nauseum.

What the heck is up with all of the violence against obesity references out there? Is anger at our expanding waistlines the only tool left to try to motivate us to move our asses and quit stuffing our faces to numb the emotional turmoil we're not able to deal with on a daily basis?

I was listening to loveline last night as I dozed off to sleep (yes, I admit I listen to loveline every now and then... its amusing to say the least) when Adam Corolla went of on one of his rants about how we've decided that smoking is such a huge evil (which it is) that we have to indoctrinate and brainwash our kids into thinking that it is the worst thing in the world to do right now (his words, I don't use the term brainwash lightly) and yet we still have depressed overweight 21 year old non-smoking men killing themselves at epidemic rates because no one told them that its ok to seek help for their basic mental health issues and that if they got their brains healthy they might be able to find the motivation to get their bodies healthy too. They had been speaking to a 21 year old girl (and I say girl because her voice was locked in somewhere around 7-8 years old due to the molestation that happened to her as a girl) who was living with a 35 year old adict who wouldn't have sex with her (probably physically couldn't due to the drugs he's using) and wanted to know how to get him to have sex with her. The guys told her to get therapy for her past abuse and she'd realize that she didn't need to put up with the addicted ass-hole and move on... but she didn't get it... she believed it was somthing wrong with her that made him not want her... F'ed up shit right there.

So we can successfully promote a non-smoking message that is so pervasive that kids 4 and 5 years old are sucessfully laying guilt trips on their parents and getting them to quit smoking (YAY!) but we have to make people ANGRY to get them to do somthing about their obesity and we have no idea how to tell people that if they're depressed they should get help before they kill themselves? Its seems to me that BASIC health and nutrition and BASIC mental health are a tiny bit more important than a secondary habit (addiction) like cigarette smoking... but maybe I'm wrong. So how about the idea of a huge ad campaign that promotes getting your emotional and mental life healthy and how that will affect every other aspect of your life including your secondary addictions to food or tobacco, and your motivation to get your body as healthy as your mind now is? How about that?

I say if you've had a fucked up life, or if you think your life right now is fucked up, or you're depressed or can't figure out how to get past what's holding you back, or you feel unworthy of love, or you just need someone to talk to who doesn't have their own agenda in regards to your life: GET HELP, there is no shame in therapy... therapy changed my life... period, end of story... I am a MUCH healthier, more stable, happier person because of therapy. Once your brain/heart are healthy I bet it'll be easier to get your other priorities in line and get your body and soul healthy too.

Ok... enough preaching from this soap-box... I need to go drink more water... oh, and pedialite since I discovered the Gatorade is a complete waste of my time (thanks Suz!).

Feeling SO much better...

Seems it only took about 14 hours to really clear my system, and I'm feeling pretty good now. My honey went and got me raspberry and chocolate sorbets (Haagen-Dazs of course) last night when I needed somthing to eat but couldn't fathom chewing anything. It was perfect. I'd never tried the chocolate before... but DAYUM, that is some good stuff! I never thought of Portland as a valley of disease before, but since Joelle mentioned it in the comments I'm going to have to consider it. I always figured that since I have two kids under the age of 6 I'm bound to get just about anything and everything that comes around anyway... and while colds don't bother me much GI bugs are a BITCH to deal with and still try to be a parent at the same time. UGH... it didn't happen yesterday, I don't think I left my room until about 4:30pm.

So here I am... slowly starting to eat more solid foods today... starting with a banana and some saltines this morning. I expect I'll polish off that chocolate sorbet unless Mike gets to it first (heh!). I weighed myself when I started to get sick yesterday just to see what the dammage would be (dehydration wise) and I lost a total of 4lbs of fluid in one day... that SUCKS. Today will be rehydration focused for sure.

I feel good enough to say that I'll be back to the gym tomorrow... today I will take it VERY VERY easy to ensure that happens.

Sick...

Got a gastro-intestinal virus of some sort... haven't been able to eat or drink all day without dire consequences.

I haven't been sick like this in ages

lifting head from pillow is NOT good... skipping work tomorrow... had to email alissa and tell her I wouldn't be there in the morning. This sucks.

Awesome Workout - and why I really want all this muscle...

Allissa just kicked my ass.

10 minute warmup on eliptical, squats - 2 sets of 12 at 60 and then a set to FAILURE at 50 I think. Then Bench Press - last set to failure again, and on it went... the only things we didn't try to fail on were walking lunges, tho by the end of the third set I was seriously shaking and burning and the cable leg extension move which I only did with 10lbs on the cable but could really feel in my ass. Lots of abs, oblique crunches, bicycles, plank... I was dripping sweat everywhere and apologizing profusely for it, but she just laughed at me. Alissa also thinks my gloves are sharp and that it was a very good idea for me to get them. I feel like a little less of a dork about them now... maybe it will completely pass one of these days.

Oh... and the muscle? Someone asked me today why I wanted to keep building muscle and why didn't I just "tone up" and I looked at 'em square in the eye and said, "I want enough muscle that I can eat anything I want and not give a rats ass because I know it will get burned up by my muscles and not just caked onto my ass. Why the hell else would I want so much muscle?" HAHAHA... he LAUGHED his freakin' ass off... I think at one point he even bent over and might have almost dropped to one knee he was laughing so hard. Oh well... it's pretty much the truth. I mean, sure I want to look HOT, and I want to be strong and be able to do lots of cool stuff... but I love to eat. I love to eat sugar and chocolate and pasta and bloody red meat and stuff cooked in butter and baked goods and sushi and just about anything one could put in front of my face that smells or tastes yummy. I love it... and the more muscle I have, the more I can eat without having horrible layers of FAT building up on my body. When I get to the point that I can consume 4000 calories a day and see no ill effects from it, then I'll know I've got enough muscle... will that day ever come? HA! I highly doubt it... but it's good to have a goal!

:D

blissfull glorious sleep

I so overslept today.

I usually get up at 5, gym by 5:30-5:45, done by 6:45, at my desk by 7am... when I awoke this morning to a light-filled room it was 7:45. I guess I needed some sleep. Its ok tho as I'm meeting Alissa at 2 for a workout and I haven't been late to work in AGES.

I have to go to the DMV tomorrow and get my drivers license replaced... I talked to a friend (who tends bar) who said she never takes an ID that is bent or creased (which mine is pretty badly... its the old-style laminated type and it sucks). At least I'm a lot closer to the weight listed on my DL now... :D Maybe they'll even let me take a new picture since my face looks NOTHING like the fat face picture I currently have. Woohoo, Saturday morning at the DMV... that should be a blast.

No other real news today.

I need to eat more veggies... I always need to eat more veggies.

oh... and I have no desire whatsoever to see "the passion of christ"... I am not a believer and thus feel no obligation to see it, and the objective (ie, non-christian) reviews of it have been very clear about the level of graphic violence in it and that just does NOT interest me at all... I never saw "saving private ryan" either for the same reason. There is enough real death, pain, and violence in the real world I see no need to support those who use the theater of that imagery for "entertainment value"... sorry but, fuck that.

coffee... mmm....

Clubbing as Aerobic Exercise

I spent my night dancing.

from about 9pm until around 11:30pm I danced. Pretty much non-stop.

I was decked out in jeans, boots, and a red-cami that peek-a-boo'd my black bra underneath (ala demi-moore but not so slutty). It turns out, based on some of the little boys tryin' to dance with me, that I am still attractive to the 19 and under crowd (HA!). Too bad I don't dance with boys. I'm of the opinion that most boys shouldn't dance... at least not to pounding thumping techno industrial music by The Crystal Method. This opinion does NOT, however, include any form of "formal" or "ballroom" or "latin" or "swing" dancing as I think that ALL boys should have to learn those if only to sweep their ladies off their feet. (There is NOTHING like a spontanious tango in an empty parking lot at 2am to get a girl all squishy inside!) I was sweaty and sore and tired by the time the show ended and can I just say that the floor at the Crystal Ballroom in Portland, Oregon freaking ROCKS... the thing is BOUNCEY BOUNCEY BOUNCEY!!! I had so much fun, and I am SO glad April asked me to go. This is the first time I've been "dancing" in at least 2-3 years... in fact it's been so long since the last time I went out dancing that I honestly can't remember when that was.

Needless to say, I slept in this morning.

Recovery for me will equal a LOT of water today... and hopefully a nap when I get home.

I felt SO old in the all ages crowd but still almost got refused at the bar because the dude was bein sketchy about my ID... whatever!

Now I must have coffee.

FUCK YEAH!!!

Multnomah county is now issuing mariage lisences to gay couples at the courthouse!

Fuck you GWB!

HOORAY FOR GAY FAMILIES EVERYWHERE!!!! We are not a facist church-state... we are a DEMOCRACY based on religious FREEDOM, including being free FROM religious oppression.

Ok... off my soap box, I'm just so happy for them.

Holy CRAP, Erin's got a BOOK DEAL!!!

You heard me right ladies and gents, Loose the Buddha is going paperback! (or hardback as the case may be). That is so fucking cool I can't EVEN explain it to you! GO ERIN GO ERIN GO ERIN!!!! And if you haven't already... pop on over there and congratulate the woman!!!

Ok... so in other news, I got my new workout today... it consists of the following: Smith Squats, Smith Bench Press, Weighted Hyperextenstions, Seated Cable Row, Walking Lunge, Kneeling - high cable - lat pull down (these were interesting), High Cable tripple crunch (that is really hard to explain but I'll try to find a picture) and high-cable reverse leg extension which I couldn't figure out at all (Alissa is still out sick) so I skipped them. Three sets of each, alternating medium, light and heavy days thru the week. This is what we'll do for March and in April she'll change it up again. Have I mentioned enough how cool Alissa is? In any case, day four of the hydroxycut experiment started off well. I really don't feel like I'm having any ill effects yet... course, I don't really feel anything yet... but I'm pretty much taking the lowest possible dose right now, so perhaps I'll get jittery or over anxious when I up the dose next week (as is recommended). Right now I'm taking one when I wake up, and then one around 9:30 to 10am and today I'll also start taking 1 at 2pm. My vitamins are giving me neon pee tho (despite hydration levels) which is a bit annoying since I often gauge my hydration levels by the color of my pee... or lack of color... but when taking vitamins that becomes a bit more difficult as you pee out so much of what you've swallowed. Oh well.

I'm already a little achy from the workout this morning... I expect I'll be feelin' it more as the day passes.

Got a Comp entry for the Shamrock Run (annual Portland St. Patricks Day thingie) on March 14th, so that will be my first official foot race of the year. Its only a 5k (I was going to do the 8k, but the 5k is earlier and MUCH smaller, and since I'm not so good with crowds, I think that will be the way to go) but it's a race and races are ALWAYS fun... (hopefully it doesn't rain). Oh... and Alissa put my pictures and "success story" up in the gym for all my coworkers to see... holy crap... that is a WEIRD experience. I have people I work with congratulating me on my weight loss/fitness improvement and that just blows my mind. I mean, its one thing for a whole bunch of anonymous folks on the internet to be reading and following along with my daily ups and downs... but now people I see EVERY DAY are emailing me... and saying hi to me... and congratulating me and patting my back and I'm wondering if this is my 15 minutes and I'd better soak it up while I've got it. :D

I don't know if I'll ever get used to getting attention for how I look now... but like Juju says... you have to learn to take a compliment... so I'm working very hard at just saying, "Thank You," "Thanks so much," "Wow, thanks!" and other such things... it's hard... I often blush and kinda try to brush it under the rug... but I'm getting better... I don't have much of a choice now, do I?

peaks and valleys

and no, I'm not talking about breasts.

seriously tho... I've really tried to deny the fact that my cycles affect my workouts/eating. I've spent a lot of effort convincing myself that it isn't so and that it shouldn't be so and that if I'm really strong and really consistant my cycles won't make one lick of difference in my workouts and dedication to health. It has been working. To a point.

This last weekend was emotional binge weekend from hell. Cocooning with food, hunkering down on the couch and gobbling up anything in my sight. Take a wild guess what this week is?

So out of curiosity I went back thru the archives and looked for my down posts... the "my god I'm so tired, I can't believe I ate that, I don't feel like doing anything" posts... and I compared them to my calender. (que enlightening muscial score here) I'm such a dumbass. I was/am so very wrong.

I know the mind is a powerful thing... but so are hormone fluctuations... and while I can control my mind to a degree, I've got no freakin' idea how to make those hormonal peaks and valleys level off. So I've been spending a year and a half getting pissed off for what I've convinced myself are bad weeks or weekends with no logical reasoning behind them. I've beat myself up (internally) about why the hell I can't just stay in control for a whole freaking month at a time. Well fuck it I say. It's fucking PMS and I'm going to deal with it right fucking now.

Hello hormones, it's the brain talking now. I understand that on a pretty regular monthly cycle you will be waxing and waning just as the moon and I've decided that the only way I'm going to be able to deal with that in my pursuit of fitness is to go with it as much as possible and just deal with it on the other side of the phase. I know you think I need to be prepped to get preggers every month, but honestly there ain't no way in hell that's gonna be happening for a good long while, so we're gonna focus, you and me, on finding things that satisfy your cravings and need for cocooning and nesting while you're freaking me out emotionally that will do the least dammage to my overall goals. Deal? Great.

Only had time for about 20 minutes of cardio this morning so I did 5 on the rower and 15 on the treadmill (I even ran a third of a mile at 6mph). Then did my stretching a couple of sets of crunches till I could do no more and hit the showers. The plan is for Alissa and I to do some weights this afternoon if she's feeling better... if not, I'm already off 3.5 of the 4 lbs of bloat I accumulated this weekend, so I'll just do some more cardio or somthing.

Wish I could say it was a GREAT weekend!!

But in terms of health and fitness... it really wasn't.

The retail therapy was good. I got to hang out with my friend Laura in Seattle... went to the IKEA, had lunch and then ran her back to the ferry and spent 3 hours driving back home on Friday... I didn't get my planned workout in which sucked... and then I got really emotional/pms'ey and everything went downhill from there. I'm not going to go into details but there was a lot of beer and empty calories involved.

The one good thing is that Mike and I got to go to dinner all by ourselves on Sunday and it was lovely... tho jam packed with more empty calories.

But its a new week, I have a clean slate to work from and I started things off right. Popped a couple of hydroxycut when I woke up at 20 to 5, slammed a glass of water, threw on the sweat gear and took off for the gym... only to arrive to find a VERY sick Alissa... no worries tho, I really wanted to sweat some of the bloat out of my body anyway, so: 10 minutes on the rowing machine doing 30-45 second intervals, 22 minutes on the eliptical doing 2 minute intervals, and 15 minutes on the treadmill doing 2 minute hills and I called it a workout. I'm already feeling a lot better, but I knew better than to get on the scale this morning. 3 days of crap eating won't cause a whole hell of a lot of actual weight gain, but the excessive carbs plus the PMS bloat will most certainly have had an impact on the water I'm retaining and I really don't want to know the dammage. So I'll weigh on Friday and hopefully things will be back to normal then.

Oh... and one more thing... the cheesecake was SO worth it.