weekend...

I spent a lot of time this weekend getting things in order.

Papers, bills, insurance, financials... etc... but also my kitchen cabinets, the boys toy-room, some sewing/knitting stuff...

Getting things in order makes me feel GOOD. It makes me feel like I've accomplished somthing worthwhile... it removes unwanted and unnecessary stress from my life.

This is also why I love my housecleaners. My housecleaners do the work that I don't have time to do and that my hubby doesn't want to do (can't blame him... floors and bathrooms are probably the least rewarding jobs in the household)... and free me up from the guilt and stress of feeling like I should be cleaning somthing which allows me to accomplish TASKS... Tasks which have been on my to-do list from days to months to even years... maybe I'll even get photos into all of those frames I bought last year... we'll see.

The weekend ended up being fairly satisfactory for me... I made pate a choux for the first time but didnt' bake the puffs long enough and they collapsed (suck!)... I started my Christmas list... I have 2.5 presents left to make and about 10 left to buy... then comes the shipping. I love shipping (ugh!). And my hubby pretty much finished the gorgeous wood shoe-shelf (it looks like stair-steps, its really cool) he has been building for our entry way.

Time to make more lists - #1 is work out tomorrow morning. Sometimes goals gotta make the lists too.

happy holidays

I am depressed and bored.

we are not making dinner or seeing family... they are all too far away.

Enjoy your holidays where ever you may be.

Moments of Clarity

They happen fairly rarely for me these days.

Seems I'm too busy, too stressed, too pressured by myself and my life to be perfect, just right, constantly improving. That kind of pressure can make it very difficult to find any clarity at all...

Yesterday I didn't leave my house and never got out of my jammies (which I don't wear to actually sleep... just to lounge around the house in) except to shower. I knitted. I paid homage to the high-holy game that occupies the Sundays of so very many americans... and both my teams won (Seahawks and Packers)... in the last moments of the games no less... I snuggled with my babies and with my hubby. I didn't clean (much). I did my A&P homework (barely) and stayed up late watching world-poker-tour with my hubby... (we each picked a player to win... if our player lost we had to give the other person backrubs and then pick a new player... I lost first, but then won... and my second guy was the final winner earning me double backrubs!!! HOORAY!). I fell asleep easily and woke up on time.

And somehow all of this worked. It worked so well that it created a very nice moment of clarity when I was driving in to work this morning... and the clarity was just this:

It doesn't matter. Yesterday was GREAT, close to perfection even, and it wasn't because I ate perfectly or had a fabulous workout, or dropped a pound on the scale (none of which happened). It was great because I spent all of my time doing things that were fulfilling to me. That is not to say that working out is not fulfilling to me, because it is... but its not the ONLY thing in the world that gives me this buzz... because I have it this morning, you know that buzz... the one that comes after you've had a REALLY great workout and your skin just sort of tingles and your brain is on overdrive and you're STARVING? I feel that right now and I didn't have to go to the gym to get it.

So those worries about the white-low-fiber foods that will be occupying a mainstay of my spouses diet for a while? They don't matter. Neither do those extra couple of pounds on the scale. They absolutely don't. Because there are people who would kill for my body at 148 lbs and there are people who would kill for my body at 165lbs... and I refuse to be one of them. It doesn't matter. Killing myself for a number and focusing all of my time and energy on it is completely and totally counter productive and would have eliminated the joy that was yesterday for me... I would have been stressed to plan all of my meals, to find a way to exercise... to do somthing OTHER than what I really wanted to do. So none of it matters.

Ballance matters. Yes, I lost 45 lbs, so what? Right here and now I declare my indepenance from the numbers... they don't matter. Keeping my hubby from being in excruciating pain for days at a time? That matters.

I am happy. I have my family. I have my health... and THOSE are what matter.

Am I changing my workout goals? Hell no... but you will probably see me write more about life in general in addition to my workouts and such as I move forward and try to keep this clarity that I've found. If you enjoy it, great! If not... oh well... because this is me... in all of my ups and downs.

stress

I am so behind at work it isn't even funny. I have 40 hours of training left to complete by December 1... aint gonna happen... FUCK!

But ya know what? Sometimes you just have to let it go.

Its just a job.

In a year, things could be completely different... and they probably will be.

For now, I'm re-evaluating... there are foods in my house that I never imagined I would buy again (white bread, white pasta, potatos, low-fiber everything) because of the dietary changes we need to make... can I live with that stuff around me all the time and not eat it?

I'm honestly not sure... can I eat it and not get huge and fat again? again, don't have that answer.

Lots of books to read, research to do, options to explore.

Here we go loop-de-loo. Anyone know where the controls for this thing are, cause right now, we're flyin blind.

happy now.

he's home.

feeling better. eating real food.

thanks everyone. We're gonna be just fine.

binding off

when you knit somthing you start the project by "casting on" several stitches to your first knitting needle. When you are finished you "bind off" creating a secure edge for your blanket, scarf, sweater, bag, whatever... today Mike's IV line decided to bind off.

By that I mean he just called me because he's pissed that they want to put more antibiotics into him but left his IV port unused for several hours and it clotted over and is completely unuseable now. He's been poked and prodded so many times now (CBCs every 8 hours because his white counts were high in the ER, blood sugars every 3 hours because those were high (140) when he had his first blood draw (they've been 102-106 ever since). Samples of just about every other bodily excretion have also been taken... and he's tired of it.

His body decided it had enough and pretty effectively bound-off that line.

Crohn's is pretty much the given diagnosis at this point. Just need to figure out how to deal with it. Yes there are many main-stream medicines that tend to keep it in remission for a while... but most stop working over time. The research I've done seems to indicate that there are dietary things that can be done as well... we're also looking into accupuncture, homeopathy and herbal and probiotic support of the gut.

As for me? well... I'm tired. I'm stressed... I am burning a lot of nervous energy cleaning my house... but this is hard. We have no family close to call uppon... we don't even have a regular babysitter that we can call. I'm supposed to get my hair cut tomorrow... and that was going to happen on my lunch break from work. Its hard to be this alone in the world... I don't want to go to bed because I know he won't be there when I wake up... even working oposite schedules I always know that if he isn't there when I go to bed he will be by the time I wake up... I'm such a wuss... its only been 1 night so far.

I'm tired

I'm very worried

I'm vulnerable

and I'm tired.

Thanks for the comments and support... I can't tell you how much it means to me... to us... thank you.

side effects...

after hubby got the good stuff last night (dilaudid, 1ml) he told me I was pretty.

;)

didn't sleep much

I guess the GI doc already saw him this morning... hadn't seen his films yet tho, so depending on where the inflamation is they may or may not do a scoping process to get a look at it...

He can have clear fluids now.

If no "procedure" needs to be done he'll come home tonight... as long as they can keep the pain/inflamation under control... otherwise... its tomorrow at the earliest.

Update

Nothing by mouth for at LEAST 24 hours.

Contrast CAT scan showed VERY irritated intestinal lining... very swolen.

Dilaudid for the pain (yay!)

IV fluids.

He's there overnight until GI doc can see him tomorrow at the earliest.

The words, "possibly chron's" were thrown around.

I settled for a lite beer (I'm such a wuss).

Tequila

I could use a drink folks.

I worried myself sick (literally) this morning.

My hubby is currently in the hospital (again) for a possible bowel obstruction or apendicitis, or hell... gall bladder disease/stones or pancreatitis... you know, what ever...

When I left (had to pick up kids from school) he was drinking contrast dye for a cat-scan.

I am NOT thrilled.

I have tequila, limes, sweet-n-sour and limes... I know I'm missing the cointreau, but damnit... when a girl needs a drink, a girl needs a drink... after she gets back from the hospital.

ugh!

ponderous

How does one tell when one has a sinus infection?

Horrible sinus pressure headache?
Nasty green mucos?

I have no fever or other signs of systemic infection... but man this sucks!

I think its just head cold... what'll happen if I'm wrong and don't go to the Dr?

damnit.

I have NO LUCK this winter.

Double Post Friday!

Sometimes its good to get back to basics.

When I first started lifting I was fat.

I had no energy.

I had no form.

I had absolutely NO idea what I was doing...

... and then I found KRISTA... and Krista showed me the light and the path and the way... and the way was GOOOD.

Today, as I sat here eating my turkey and applesauce and sipping my afternoon joe I decided to go back and take a look at all of the articles I'd devoured and digested not two years ago as I sat in my nearly 200lb body hating everything about it. And there amongst the amazing stores of information was a return. A return to the simple, a return to the ordinary... a return to what got me here in the first place... Krista.

Krista Bicep
Krista Double Bicep

I also found her intermediate 3 day split workout plan... which I LOVE... and have decided to begin using starting Monday (yes I know I said I wouldn't be working out on Monday... but what am I if I'm not a contradicting connundrum of an enigma all wrapped up in fugue?)

*I put the workout plan below... just in case you want to see it... just click "continue reading..."

I love this feeling

Workout today was sublime... went heavy (er). Legs plus cardio and all was right with the world.

Smith Squat
50#x12, 70#x10, 90#x10, 50#x12
Barbell Lunge, not alternating... all reps of each set on one side, then on the other: (crooked bar=20#)
20#x10, 30#x10, 35#x10
Leg Press (slide)
155#x10, 175#x10, 195#x10 (195# is half the stack boys)
SLDL with dumbells (weights are per db)
25#x12, 30#x10, 35#x10
20 minutes of 150bpm average hr cardio on the eliptical.

I should have done a real warmup before I started, I know... I just walked briskly around the gym a couple of times, but it seemed to work out ok and I won't let it happen again (especially on a heavy leg day).

If the weather stays nice this weekend I will go for a long walk with the kids, if not... I'll be re-organizing my house so at least I won't be sitting on my butt all day.

I'm pretty proud of myself for getting 2.5 solid workouts in this week (even if they were all at the end of the week... next week I'll try to double that... it's a plan.

have a great weekend!

holy hell, batman.

So HIIT on the rower is HARD.

Here was my cycle - 5 minute warmup, 2min sprint, 2min recover, 2min sprint, 2min recover, 2min sprint (at this point I was dieing), 2min recover, 1min sprint, 1min recover, 1min sprint, 5 minutes cool down... for a grand total of 25 agonizing minutes on the Concept 2 rowing machine from hell. Felt all wobbly in the legs when I got up, so I think I was rowing fairly well. BD - I will read the rowing-form article you posted in my comments just to be sure, but I am defintely using legs for primary driving force.

Then I went downstairs and threw some dbs around to make myself feel a little better about the whole fiasco.

bicep curl - 8lb dbs, 3x10
Recline curl - 8lb dbs, 3x10
French press - 8lb dbs, 3x10
abs work on ball and bicycles on the matt to extreme pain and failure.

Now... I probably could have done more arms/shoulders work today, but I did do some last night at 10pm (so I can still say my name is Lexy Smash without hanging my bitch-head in shame).

I did 3 cycles at 10 reps for each move, no breaks between moves, 1 minute between sets, 10lb dbs:

Bicep curl, Shoulder Press, Tricep Kickback, Upright Row.

And I did 'em topless... in front of the mirror... and yeah, it was pretty damned cool. I have (in my estimation) a pretty muscular upper-body... theres just still a bit of flab over top of it... when I did my shoulder presses my lats flaired out giving me a definite triangular shape and I have quite the trap-bulge (like swimmers have) across my shoulders and up into my neck. Being able to SEE your muscles while you work them is an awesome thing and I encourage anyone with some privacy and a mirror to do it at some point.

I lov3 lifting... I want to do it every single day... don't you?

this is not working

what the hell is up with this week?

Monday was great (but no exercise).

Tuesday was fun (but no exercise).

Today I woke up with a headache when I was going to go to the gym this morning so I slept in instead and thus no exercise.

ARGH!

What was so different this time last year that I was able to get up at 5 every morning to go to the gym and I am just NOT this year? I do NOT like this. It is frustrating as hell.

The only good in the midst of all of this non-excersise related news is that my diet has been pretty damned spot on (despite the glass and a half of red wine last night) for the last two weeks and I'm feeling very good about that...

I'm still being spotty in my recording of food in fit day... but like Jim I'm pretty damned anal and can estimate my calories for the day give or take 100 in my head most of the time. Fitday is a great tool to help you learn the nutritional value of stuff tho... I fully endorse it.

Oh man... I just realized I have my dbs in my closet (that I cleaned out this weekend)... I WILL get some upper body in tonight or my name is not LEXY SMASH!!!

not to put...

to fine a point on it...

but I found this interesting:

IQvs.Votes

and also the data collection that is showing that the higher the percentage of Bush supporters a state has directly correlates to an increasing divorce rate.

Values-based voting my ass.

drat!

One thing that I need to remember is that as a student who has class one day a week I need to make that class the priority on that one day a week and not plan things like early morning workouts on that day because chances are I will have been up late the night before studying for the weekly test!

I'm going to have to modify the schedule a bit and possibly only do 4 days a week until my class is over... that's ok, a little flexibility never hurt anyone... and the reality is that I am an overachiever and thus anything less than a SOLID A on these tests will totally piss me off. SO... Sunday and Monday are study days. The lifting schedule is hereby modified thusly:

Monday - study (I am a student after all)
Tuesday - HIIT (rower... I'm looking forward to this tomorrow!)
Wednesday - Legs and possibly 15-20 mins cardio
Thursday - HIIT
Friday - Upper body (all of it!) and 20 mins cardio

Saturday is rest/ride/walk/whatever
Sunday is study/football.

Everyone with me? Then lets GO GO GO!

chest/back/row

Nice workout today... I feel like maybe I'm going to easy when I'm lifting but I'm really trying to EASE back into it and not completely kill myself in the first two weeks. That said, I again used lighter weights than I probably could have, but oh well.

5min warmup - treadmill
Bench Press (dbs)
10#x12, 15#x10, 20#x8, 25#x6, 15#x12
Seated Row (machine)
30#x12, 37.5#x10, 45#x8, 60#x6, 37.5#x12
DB Fly on physio-ball
10#x12, 12#x10, 15#x8, 20#x6, 10#x12
Lat Pull (machine)
30#x12, 37.5#x10, 45#x10, 60#x6, 37.5#x12
Low back extension
(unweightedx12, 5lb plate behind headx12)x2
Abs -
3count up and 3count down crunches on physio ball for the entire duration of "Mister Bright Side" Oblique crunches (also on ball) until I couldn't move.
10 minute baby HIIT on rower - 2 minute warmup, 1 minute sprint, 2 minute rest, 1 minute sprint, 2 minute rest, 1 minute sprint, 1 minute cool down. (this session leads me to believe that BD's rowing HIIT on Tuesday next is gonna suck!).
Stretch

I feel almost TOO good right now... my legs are a little wobbly from the rowing and my lowback is pissed about the roman-chair... but otherwise I'm in pretty high spirits.

I am SO glad I'm back to lifting!!!

I love this photo

I only hope it's real! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

love shack

disapointing day on the fitness side of the world.

Hubby was sick all night (actually has been sick since Saturday, but it became ACUTE last night) so there was very little sleep to be had, and finally after convincing him to call the insurance nurse-line we headed to the hospital. Acute abdominal pain can mean a lot of things, one of which is appendicits... this time we got off easy with a partial bowel obstruction to whit he will be following up with a GI doctor tomorrow... luckily the drugs of choice have made him more comfortable and I'm anticipating actual sleep tonight.

Long story short - no exercise. 4 hours in a hospital which included such indulgences as 2 oreo cookies, a handfull of goldfish and about 10 peanut m-n-m's... I was STARVING by the time I got home.

I believe I salvaged the day with protein powder and a huge salad with roasted turkey breast (home-made)... but still, ugh! The glucose crash was horrible and I still have a bit of a headache.

Tomorrow is upper body tho, and I'm definitely excited about that.

She's baaaaaAaaaaAAaack.

Took it easy, but still got the sweat on. hip hip hooray!

6minute warmup on the treadmill
Smith Squat (slightly wide stance... but not sumo)
12x40#, 10x50#, 8x60#, 6x65#, 12x40#
Leg Press (slide)
12x115#, 10x135#, 8x155#, 6x175#, 12x115#
SLDL (dbs)
12x15#, 10x20#, 8x25#, 6x30#, 12x15#
Leg Extension
12x45#, 10x52.5#, 8x60#, 6x67.5#, 12x45#
Calf Raise
(12x35#)x4
Abs - bicycle fast 25countsx3, Oblique crunches 30x3
10 minute on the eliptical at 2 minute intervals... then my lungs started to tighten up so I stopped.

I can't WAIT for tomorrow.

*glee*

An ode to the corpus calossum...

Took my brain test last night.

It was actually the entire nervous system... central and peripheral, structures and functions... and disorders... it was HARD!

Luckily I got a 104.3% on my skeletal muscles test, so even if I bomb the nervous system I should be ok overall.

I'm still here... trying to keep my damned eating/nutrition on track. I'm a very associative person, when I'm going to the gym regularly it is VERY easy for me to view food as fuel for my body and stay on track nutritionally, when I'm sitting on my fat ass for hours a day (even by doctors orders) food reverts to being a tool for comfort and emotional support (and a very poor one at that!).

*sigh*

BUT!!! Tomorrow it's back to the GYM and I am stoked!!! I even have a plan... wanna hear it? Its REALLY easy:

Monday - Arms (Bi/tri), Shoulders, Abs + 20 minutes cardio
Tuesday - BD's rowwing machine HIIT 25 mins
Wednesday - Legs and butt and abs + 20 minutes cardio
Thursday - Eliptical HIIT 25 mins
Friday - Chest/Back + 20 minutes cardio
Saturday and Sunday will be rest and plan days... :D

Easy, eh? the specific workouts will be posted on the days I do them, but I've got those all planned out too.

I'm ready.

I'm willing.

please, someone... give me the green-light, okay?