learning to keep my damned mouth shut

So here's the thing...

I'm going to miscarry this pregnancy... there's no nice or happy or easy or flowery way to say it. At the ultrasound today (8weeks and 4 days gestation) we should have seen a 13-16mm long twitching little baby with cardiac activity (that's a heartbeat)... but we did not. We saw an amniotic sac measuring at 5 weeks and 3 days... and that's about it. No growth, no baby, no heartbeat... just... nothing.

I have been instructed to stop all of my medications but I'm pretty effectively self-medicating with some Boujolais Villages (infinitely drinkable red wine).

Someday I will just learn to keep my damned mouth shut.

The thing of it is, that even tho this wasn't my baby... it still hurts... a lot. I am torn up inside... everyone, the doctor, the guys, even the embryologist told me it was completely out of my control... there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome, and I truly believe them. I gave it my all... did intramuscular shots and multiple pills every day and gave every spare joule of energy I had to making this baby happen but I had no control. I have no control. And so I hurt... I hurt for the lost potential... I hurt for the guys and the hope they had... I hurt for their sister who donated the eggs that could have grown into a baby but for some reason just couldn't keep growing.

I hurt... and I want to break down and cry...

but my life doesn't stop for this and right now I have children to love and feed and tend, and a job to do and a husband to honor and nurture and a self that needs some pretty decent nurturing too...

So tonight... over another glass of wine... I will break down... and it will come out... and the hurt will come out of me in great heaving sobs and it will be cathartic and we will move on and try again in a couple of months... and then maybe I'll be pregnant for good.

I'm sorry to lay this all out before I'm about to take off for a week... but it will be good for me to get away for a while as well... take care all, and thank you in advance for all of your support.

no more waiting

I am seriously ready for this weekend.

I am tired, I am bitchy and all of a sudden it has been mandated by some higher power that I get to be blechy feeling and have zero appetite.

Hello hormones.

I don't know if I've mentioned it like a thousand times before this, but I am the proud driver of a 2004 Mini Cooper S... jet black... Oliva and I have decided to take the hubby on a trip to Las Vegas next week to meet up with a couple hundred other Mini Cooper owners to hang out, raise money for charity (Autism Society) and drive around in the desert a bit... so from Next Tuesday until the 8th I will not be here. But when I get back... oh the photos you will be subjected to against your will!!!

This is where we're going

I'll have more to update on Monday... but for now I just want to go home and sleep.

and maybe eat some chocolate... but since there's like... white chocolate chips... and pretty much nothing else in the house that may have to be put off for a while.

*sigh*

Isn't it funny?

So... having exercised for the last three days I am finally getting my energy back, tho it could be the fact that I crashed last night at 7pm and my lovely hubby let me sleep until my alarm went off at 6. I guess I needed the extra sleep, eh?

I am taking a rest day today as I have a very busy weekend scheduled and will be incredibly active with the boys as long as it stays nice out... otherwise we may have to improvise.

So what I'm finding in terms of pregnancy and fitness is basically that your level of fitness before you get pregnant really determines how hard you can exercise as the pregnancy progresses. Its VITALLY important to listen to your body and most "experts" seem to recommend keeping the HR under 140 or below 60% of max... this can get tiresome... but ah well.

Went for 45 minutes on the eliptical yesterday using a HRM that the gym let me use (straped around rib-cage) and it communicates directly with the piece of equipment you're on. I was surprised at how easy I had to take it to keep things under 140bpm. Now granted I was sweating and such but I never felt out of breath or like I couldn't have kept up a conversation without even thinking about it...

The good thing is that I can continue my weight lifting and hopefully find some prenatal yoga as well. I do love yoga, and one thing I've promised myself is a month pass to the local hot-yoga facility after the pregnancy is over... glee!

I'm going to be changing some admistrative things on the site (with the help of the most FABULOUS Renee)... there will be some pw protected entries and I'm going to set up comment registration so I don't have to moderate comments, but it should help cut down on the comment spam... and once you've registered you should be able to comment freely... I will give the pw out to pretty much anyone who asks, and most entries WON'T be pw protected... but well... sometimes I'm going to say things that I don't necessarily want any schmo on the inet to see, so there ya have it.

Hopefully these changes won't cause too much inconvenience... its just life I guess.

PROTEIN!!! (time for a whey-shake!)

Restricted: and herein begins the downplay

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Restricted: Sometimes a picture...

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exercise is a good thing

45 minutes on the TM yesterday and another 35 today felt REALLY good... it's been FAR too long.

Starving all the time is weird, need to up the protein intake for sure! Fruit and cottage cheese has been my mantra for breakfast of late... and I REALLY need to get back into my water consumption. I'm up to 40 oz today, but I know I can do better than that by bedtime.

still working on the extended entry...

I know yer all waiting with baited breath... (whateverthehellthameans)

grr...

having a hard time comming up with the words I need to say what I want to say...

give me some time... I'll figure it out... there's news, good stuff... just lots of information and explination behind the news that keeps ending up like a novel.

*sigh*

TEA!!!

I got my tea.

I got my tea-pot.

can I just say... if you have not tried adagio teas and you are ANY sort of tea drinker... you are MISSING OUT!!!

First of all the single-cup teapot is completely ingenious and works FABULOUSLY, rinses right out and is ready for your next cup of tea...

BUT, more important than the pot is the tea itself. They sent me 4 sample tins of tea and I tried a green-citrus last night.

HOLY CRAP. First of all the flavor (and aroma) are fabulous... I think I over steeped a little tho because it was just slightly bitter, which was easily corrected with a teaspoon of honey... but as the tea bloomed in the hot water I could see the whole leaves opening... this is no chopped up bits from the cutting floor people this is DAMNED GOOD TEA.

OK... enough of my diatribe about adagio... but I mean hey, all I had to do was put their little button here and they sent me AWESOME free stuff... least I can do is give an honest assessment of what I think of their products right?

Can't wait to try one of the other teas they sent tonight!

Ok... I'm done, really... promise.

BACK TO FITNESS. It was GORGEOUS out yesterday so I went for a 35 minute brisk walk rather than going over to the gym... it was sunny, cold, kinda windy, but gorgeous. I kept my heartrate around 140 (so aerobic, but not overly so) and it was awesome. I came inside feeling totally rejuvinated. Sun in the winter in the pacific northwest is a rarity, so getting to take advantage of it really lifts the spirits... or at least it really lifts MY spirits.

Have a fabulous Thursday everyone!

Once again...

I've done well tracking my food thusfar today. No exercise to speak of, but I'm not really going to care about it. Next PT appointment needs to be made tho... and I really should do my stretches.

I'll get them in tonight.

right now I just want to sleep.

As usual, when in a funk and fog you all are the light-house beacons that draw me safely to shore! So THANK YOU!!! I do have determination, I do have drive and I am a healthy and fit person who LOVES to challenge herself, so what I really need to do is to look at this as another challenge... not a "How fast can I get my neck/back back in shape" type challenge, but a "how strong and resiliant can I make these previously injured parts of my body" type of challenge... a "how long can I go without re-injuring myself" type of challenge... a "let this be the very last weekend I ever have to spend flat on my back" type of challenge.

So there you have it... therapeutic stretches tonight, and cardio of some sort tomorrow morning.

Now if I could just get rid of this damned persistant heartburn I'd be in damned fine shape!

stress level dropping.

Taxes are done and due to some stupidity on my part and the sale of our rental property to the tenants that were occupying it we owe an ass load of money (think more than 10 grand). The good thing is that we put away most of the money from the sale so we can pay the tax bill without any hardship, but it still sucks ass... needless to say some W4 issues have been corrected, and since we have no further properties to sell, this WON'T be happening again in the future...

Man it was nice to have that money in the bank for a while tho. *sigh*

Needless to say this was one of the many things stressing me out last week and my neck ended up seizing up right around Friday. I spent most of the weekend on my back with heat on my neck... PT and chiro both say "NO LIFTING" for another couple of weeks... and honestly I just don't care anymore. I injured my neck initially in highschool when I was rear-ended by a cop (long story, nevermind). And it has been acting up more and more frequently as of late.

I am SICK of being sick.

I am SICK of being injured.

I am SICK TO DEATH of feeling like my next move could land me in the ground or the wheelchair.

So that's it... I'm done with lifting for at least a month. PT and chiro and cardio will be my mantra and while I HATE HATE HATE that I have to do this, I HAVE HAVE HAVE to do this more than I hate it, so there ya have it.

I feel like I'm making excuses... ya know? I've been at this fitness thing for going on 2.5 years now and yet these last 6-8 months have been the least-healthy I can remember.

I've been injured (repeatedly)... I've been sick (also repeatedly) and its become painfully clear to me (FINALLY) that its somthing I'm doing wrong that is causing this. SO... I have to quit it. I have to quit guilting myself into working out when I shouldn't... I have to quit skipping sleep when I need it. I HAVE TO get back to logging my food.

So for the next couple of months those are my goals...

1. Log food daily.
2. Do my PT
3. Cardio for health and endurance.

I'm sorry if I sound like a downer, but refocusing is NOT one of my strengths... I'll get thru it... but it may get ugly every now and then.

can't have a blank page

I just HATE it when a blog goes blank due to inactivity, so while I'm somewhere between planning for our road-trip to Vegas and helping my son do his valentines for school, and potty training the younger son, and getting the house to a presentable state for the poker night my hubby is having and etc... I thought I'd pop in and post...

I haven't excercised at ALL this week... I have eaten incredibly well tho, so that makes me happy... plenty of protein, not a lot of junk (tho I did have a Starbucks Chantico last night and can I just say... YUM!) and tons of veggies.

Hope everyone is hanging tough... why is spring like this every year?

UGH!

Hiatus

Taking a brief hiatus... I should be back next Monday or so... I'm just very very busy.

No worries, see ya later.

I have jumped on the TEA LINK bandwagon in the hops that I will receive a nifty teapot... check it:

dude... stop with the shoulders already

There is a guy who worksout in the morning at around the same time I do. His arms, shoulders, chest and back are HUGE and well cut... his legs, on the other hand, look like a couple of toothpicks wrapped in peach tissue paper. You can tell he is a fairly narrow person by nature, his hips are narrow and he is very lean, but GOOD LORD... lay off the presses for a moment and work on your poor scrawny little legs for a while!!! PLEASE!!! He is seriously the most unbalanced physique I have EVER encountered... I had no idea it could be that bad.

LINKS!!!

I updated SO many links on the left and its now chock full of wonderful fitness and weight loss blogs that you MUST READ EVERY DAY!!!

On the fitness front I was supposed to meet a certain workout buddy at the gym this morning for an upper body workout... but that didn't happen because she who will remain nameless didn't show up! That's right, ladies and gents, I got ditched for some sleepy-time! The NERVE! ;)

I did the workout anyway, and had a grand old time making my shoulders, chest, back and arms whine from their lack of use. Speaking of whining, my legs are definitely of the opinion that yesterdays workout was quite enough, thankyouverymuch and they have decided to unionize and go on strike for more favorable working conditions... what they don't know (obviously) is that this is NOT a democracy, it is a dictatorship, and they are the pleebes who will obey my every command.

And now its time for lunch!

Ok... I love my little sister too...

My sister just did the coolest thing.

She bought a milk-goat for a needy family in my honor.

My sister rocks! Check it out:

Heifer International

I love my mother

My mother taught me to cook huge wholesome meals for large groups of people. I can make a lasagne from scratch that will knock your socks off, I can slow-cook a roast and stir-fry chicken and veggies to near perfection. I know how to steam, boil, sautee, bake, broil and fry all sorts of foods with all sorts of spices to create meals my family will eat. My mother taught me that you don't need a recipie to cook... you just need good ingredients and taste.

My mother instilled in me a taste for whole-wheat bread because the white crap never came thru our doors unless it was mixed, kneeded and baked by her hand into fresh crispy french loaves to be eaten alongside the afore-mentioned lasagne (made with whole-wheat noodles and cottage-cheese instead of ricotta). She gave me a taste for honey instead of white-sugar as a sweetener. She kept the salt shaker off of our dinner table. She made ice-water a fancy drink in a glass pitcher that we got to have with dinner every night... she fed me vegitables. Two kinds... salad and a cooked veggie every night... and I ate them, every night... even when it was peas, which I hated. She tried (in vain) to convince me that carrob was chocolate (HA!) and she made it very clear that desert was for special occasions, not nightly indulgences.

My mother made weekend family breakfast a special event... with egg-soufles and sweedish pancakes... she never forced us to clean our plates although we often did... she fed us the fish that was (and is) abundant in Alaska... halibut and salmon that she and my father would catch every summer. My mother, to this day, hand fillets, brines, smokes and hand-cans salmon every summer to send to her kids, friends and relatives around the world.

My mother loved us with food... but it was never a reward or a consolation. There were no cookies for scraped knees or ice-cream for cleaning our rooms. She filled our bodies and brains with nutrition (and there were FIVE of us to fill) and used her words and actions for the emotional filling.

I love my mother... she gave me a strong and solid base from which to build... I just strayed from the path for a while.

Leg workout this morning with Alissa who is a goddess in blue jeans (especially the ones she can wear now that she hasn't worn in a year... HELL YEAH!).

good things are rollin in... lots to learn, nutrition is the new obsession... (as you can see below)... advice and tips are ALWAYS appreciated.

I feel a rant commin' on.

Everyone in the US should be required to take a basic anatomy and physiology course that focuses on body chemistry and the digestive and excratory systems. Cellular biology and chemistry is probably the most fascinating thing I have ever studied and the complex interactions of fluids, nutrients, hormones and systems in the body will blow your fucking mind if you've never looked closely at them before.

But what is more important is that I truly believe that EVERYONE (*and I do mean everyone) should know and understand completely exactly what happens when you put a foreign particle of non-food into their body.

I don't care if its some ingredient you can't pronounce on your bag of doritos or the caffeine in your diet soda... if you're going to put it in your body you should DAMNED WELL be aware of exactly what your body now must do to protect itself from the dammage that foreign substance wants to do to it. and what DOESN'T happen that should be happening because your body doesn't have time to do what it should because its so wrapped up in detoxifying itself constantly.

Because really... in food, you know... real food that comes from plants, and animals and trees... there are only a few things: macro nutrients (carbs/fats/proteins) and micronutrients (vitamins and minderals) and there is fiber and water and if its REAL LIVE FOOD (and I'm talking organically grown produce and meats/dairy), then that's just about it. Period. And our bodies know how to deal with those things... hell, they even know how to use most of them efficiently as fuel, building blocks and tools for repair.

Everything else... and I do mean EVERYTHING ELSE that we consume, or put in to our bodies somehow has to be processed by our bodies so that it is prevented from causing DAMMAGE and HARM to the delicate cellular chemistry that must be maintained for life to go on. That's right... just because they say its edible doesn't make it so. Food colorings and flavorings can be made from ANYTHING, including petrolium by-products... man-made chemicals and compounds never found in nature. Pesticides and Hormones and drugs in our food supply are TOXIC to our bodies... they are allowed to be there because we don't demand any different... we buy the crap they produce because we are too lazy to demand better.

And don't give me your craptastic whine fest of, "but its so easy to eat packaged foods, and they taste so good, and blah blah, blah, whine whine whine." because honestly I don't give a fuck and if you want to be a mindless consumer who sucks down every "diet" food when you could be eating REAL LIVE FOOD then you are as pathetic as the advertising agencies truly believe you to be and you are sucking up their pandering and prostheletizing like that nutrition free crap you keep bringing into your home.

Hey everyone! Guess what the new Weight Watchers Core plan is? Its an attempt to get people to EAT REAL FOOD... fruit, vegitables, lean meats and dairy, legumes, nuts... you know... food... rather than counting out how many chips-ahoy death disks they can fit into their points allotments for the day... so HOORAY WW... bout damned time you focused on food!

OH... and preservatives? All of those LOVELY chemicals used to keep your packaged and processed cheese-food fresh? Modern perservatives are toxic to the body... kids manifest ADD type symptoms when exposed to too much BHT and TBHQ... the shit is nasty! We used to use salt and sugar to preserve our food... now sugar and salt are the enemy and these new chemicals will save us from ourselves... and if there is a bigger load of crap out there in the "food-industry" I'd like to hear it because at least salt is a mineral and at least sugar comes from a plant... it is the mindless sheep that we allow ourselves to be that OVER-CONSUME these products in there most absolutely refined forms that are the problem... not the salt and sugar themselves. SUGAR IS NOT THE ENEMY!!!

Yes, purchasing and consuming real food takes thought, effort, time, planning... but that is only because we are out of the habit. We lament over how much healthier the whiney French are than us... well guess what sweetheart? The Frech shop for food every single day. That's right... they buy a days worth of real live food and eat it... and the next day they do the same damned thing.

So quit your fucking whining (or take it away from me) get off your ass and start looking at what is in the crap you call food... think pretty seriously about what your body has to do to detoxify itself because of all the crap you choose to put into it every single day and then just consider for a moment how much healthier you could be if you would just get off your ass and EAT REAL FOOD already. Don't even consider the weight-loss implications... just think about the bio-chemical reactions you could be preventing by not consuming the poisons and then go shopping.

ok... rant done.

EDITED TO ADD: If you have read any good nutrition and whole-foods lexicons I want to hear about them... so comment or email me with what you know... this doesn't have to be nutrition for an athlete, but good solid, how to buy and eat real foods type stuff is great... oh, and cookbooks too!!!