etc.

not a whole lot to say today.

nothing big happening... self absorbed rest day.

personal responsibility on my brain... life is what you make of it and all... had to deal (IRL) with a complete perpetual victim type yesterday... what a hassle.

sit down, shut up and DECIDE not to be a victim anymore, damnit!

blame the world for exisiting, blame your parents for not loving you enough, blame society for creating unreal expectations of beauty and then remind yourself that none of it fucking matters right here and now and quit being so affraid of failure that you refuse to DO THE FUCKING WORK necessary to get you where you "dream" of being.

I always hated it when my dad would remind me that "life isn't fair" but as much as I hated it then, he was right. It isn't, tough shit, grow up and make of it what you want.

Muhammed Ali

I make no secret of the fact that I work for @didas America. Its a good job with good people and the random opportunity to meet/greet the big names in sports who grace our advertising campaigns. I've shaken hands with skaters, freestyle bmxers, womens olympic champion soccer players etc... but today is special.

Today the great Muhammed Ali is on campus. I haven't seen him yet, and I may not, but just knowing I'm in such close proximity to the man is pretty damned cool. I will NOT be asking for an autograph if I do see him, but if I can snap a quick cell-phone pic I will.

Don't hold your breaths tho... I should be the only one waiting to exhale.

;)

UPDATE: *sigh* well... I saw him from a distance thru a window... does that count? No way I coulda taken a picture tho... *sigh* now that is one AWESOME man... and have I spewed enough about Laila Ali's physique? Aw yeah, rumble young girl, rumble.

wow what a weekend

Saturday we had a party at my house and more people than I expected showed up so it was REALLY good... there was a LOT of food (most of it BAD for you) and a lot of talking and visiting and just jabbering about which made me happy. PLUS everyone left on time!!! Can you believe that? There were no unwelcome stragglers who stuck around till I had to kick them out, I was SO EXCITED that I got my house back four hours after the party started, so I was able to get things cleaned up and put away before the post-part fatigue kicked in around 6pm.

Sunday was a LAZY LAZY LAZY day. I started a new knitting project since I finally finished the baby blanket for bert and stephanie... it turned out SO well and I'm really pleased with it, I will try to put a picture up soon... its not what I expected, but pretty neat anyway. We did some laundry, ate left over party food, watched a couple of DVDs with the kids... it was a LAZY LAZY LAZY day... and sometimes thats ok.

My youngest sister defends her dissertation for her MFA today. I am so nervous/excited/proud/etc... for her. I know she'll be great and her advisors love her and her poetry so much that she'll have no trouble being approved for her MFA, I just wish I could be there to see it!!! (insert proud big-sister tears here)... oh and did I mention today is also her birthday? No? Yeah well, it is, she's turning 27.

A run is on deck for today, 40 minutes, and hopefully it will stop raining or it's the dreadmill for me because I didn't bring my raingear today.

cheers!

blech

thats how I feel today.

blech.

I am not sleeping well.

I think my bed is one of the culprits of my near constant fatigue. I am tossing/turning more than normal... waking frequently for short periods, and getting up with my alarm in the morning is becomming laughable. My matress isn't old, but it isn't new either... about 5 years of use and it is noticeably sagging. One good thing is that it has a 10 year warranty, so I think its about time to call it in and ask for a replacement.

vitamin - check
water - check
protein/carb/fat in proper ratios - check
sound sleep - no check

I'll assume that's the problem until proven otherwise.

HOORAY FOR BROCCOLI!!!

and that's all I have to say about that.

what I did on wednesday evening...

I hung out with Hollums on the waterfront, that's what I did!! YIPPEE!!! She had just finished a 5m run and plopped down on the bench next to me and we chatted about personal responsibility, and her need to get with the strength-training already, her 2hour half-marathon the weekend prior and forefoot running which she's taken a liking to. We talked about my babies and online blogs, our geek-girl status (she will fix my ibook if it ever breaks, which I don't anticipate because it's a freakin apple afterall) and the fact that when you make fitness part of your life it creates a momentum of its own and you, at some point, are just along for the ride.

Have I mentioned how fantastic Hollie is? No? Well HollIE is FAN-freakin-TASTIC... no doubt about it, m'kay!

Post-holly/brenna mutual fan fest- we had a great practice on the river (which smelled just delicious today, what with all of the warming raw-sewage and all) and I believe it may have been the first time that I stayed relatively dry. It was cool, but NO RAIN!!! We are strong and getting stronger... there is at least one team that will kick our asses into the ground tho... its made up mostly of huge and strong Samoan men and I have very little hope that we'll beat them during Rose Fest... but ya never know, all that extra weight in the boat could slow 'em down... right?

I guess we'll see... Rose Fest is in 6 weeks... not much time left.

back to reality.

OK... PFTs for Zamboanga start next week... what's a PFT you might ask?

Why its a personal fitness test of course! If you want to paddle on the rose-festival boat for Zamboanga you must be able to pass the PFT. The test consists of a 2-3m run, pushups and situps. I'm not sure how many of each of the last two, but the run must be completed within a set time limit, so busting ass is probably going to be a good idea from here on out.

I'll run the PFT course tonight to get an idea of my time and see what kind of improvement I need to look for. Practice may, in fact, be DRY today... but I'm not holding my breath (this is the pacific northwest afterall).

I'm finding that my bowels don't like it when I go on binge-eating weekend fests... fiber supplementation is the word of the day kiddies, maybe I'm just getting old, I don't know... but I do know that being regular is a Very Good Thing (tm) and right now I am not, and its making me angry.

Water intake = yes.
Fiber intake = yes.

Come on body... lets get rid of some toxins now, m'kay?

Birth

I deleted a stupid snarky comment I made to mojo last night.

It was stupid and snarky and that's all I need to say about that.

Heres the thing...

I know all births are not like mine. We live in a culture of fear and panic about labor. We see it on TV, in movies, in the emotionally distructive stories told to us by our mothers, sisters, aunts and neighbors as we go thru our pregnancies. We learn to anticipate crippling pain, debilitating pain, completely unmanageable pain. And that is what we accept to be the norm. But I truly believe that if we did not have that anticipation, that fear, the pain wouldn't have such power over us.

That is not to say that birth would be painless and easy every time... it is only to say that the pain of labor and birth wouldn't hold such power over us that we feel compelled to defend our birth choices at every turn.

Mojo's comment to my birth story below is not negative, but I'm a little over-sensitive about birth issues and initally I took it that way. I assumed that because she told of her contrasting birth experience as a response to my celebration of mine she was somehow trying to belittle me. Its stupid, truly it is. But the reason I over-reacted is that it is unfortunately very typical of women who hear a homebirth story and feel they should respond by contrasting their own birth experience with mine in a way that OFTEN makes me feel as tho my experience is less valid because I didn't go thru what they did. For some reason my natural birth story puts a lot of women on the defensive and sometimes it seems like they need to defend thier decision to birth in hospital with epidural (or whatever)... but it was not my intention to put ANYONE's birth choices in question... and I think it sucks that we women have created a culture that makes ANY woman believe that she must defend her birth choices to anyone.

Let me say this right here and now: THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO BIRTH. YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON YOU MUST ANSWER TO WHEN CHOOSING HOW TO BRING YOUR BABY INTO THIS WORLD. period. end of story.

I am not better or braver or stronger than anyone else for having birthed my second child at home with a midwife. My first child was born in a hospital after 18+ hours of back labor and a sanity saving epidural... if every labor were like my first women would WANT to be knocked out before even entering the hospital... but they aren't. If every labor were like my second (intense, but relaxed and virtually pain-free) women would say screw the hospital, I'm stayin' home! But they're not.

Anecdotes aside, more than 85% of births in this country happen in a hospital and nearly 30% of births in this country happen via cesarian-section. America is NOT the land of the best birth outcomes:
• Infant Mortality: The US ranks 28th in infant mortality among industrialized nations (behind the
Czech Republic and Cuba) as of 1998 . (Child Health USA 2002,
Maternal Child Health Bureau, Health Resources and Services Administration, US Department of Health and Human Services http://mchb.hrsa.gov/chusa02/main_pages/page_03.htm)

• Maternal Mortality: In 1999, the US ranked 21st in the world for maternal death. However the
CDC estimates that maternal deaths are underreported by one half to two thirds, and that half of
US maternal deaths are preventable. The rate of death due to childbirth has not decreased since
1982, and increased in 1999. (Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. Ina May Gaskin. Bantam, 2003. pp 274-277)

Maybe, instead of feeling like we must fight each other to defend our birth choices... and in fact I had to BREAK THE LAW and ask an unlicensed (in my state) midwife attend my birth because there were no other options in my area... maybe we should be working together to distroy the culture of fear and strengthen our sisterhood thru creating a culture of CHOICE in birth. Mojo, YOU KNOW I think you're a beautiful and wonderful and powerful woman. You have the right to whatever birth you choose, and your birth will be PERFECT for you and your child... you are educated and intelligent and do not need the approval of me, of your family, of your neighbor or anyone else. You will bring that baby out in your way and in your time and I will trumpet from the rooftops to celebrate with you when he's born.

I'm sorry if you saw the snarky comment last night. I apologize for it to anyone who did.

THREE!!!

My baby boy turns three years old today.

Three years ago this morning he squirmed his little way into the world, all 8lbs6oz of him... I had seen my midwife the day before (ten days past-due by the wheel, but only 5 days past due by my conception calculations). She reminded me that he would come when he was ready, but that she had a feeling it would be the next morning... "why don't you give me a call around four tomorrow morning... four sounds good to me."

Later that evening I ate some phenomenal beef and barley soup that my mother had made and which my hubby had liberally spiked with tobasco (without my knowledge) but nothing seemed to be happing.

At one thirty this morning, three years ago, I awoke to pee (which happens frequently in late pregnancy) and realized that four am wasn't so far off... pressure relieved, I noticed a contraction, but went back to sleep... until another one woke me fully at 2:30. I roused Mike from his sleep and told him to get the bed ready... I sat on my birth-ball and bounced and timed contractions for a while on our palm-pilot (all I had to do was tap a button with the stylus at the start and end of each contraction and it did all the work... gotta love technology). An hour or so later Mike encouraged me to call our midwife... but I wanted to wait until four... I wanted her prediction to be correct.

So at four am I called Sara... woke my mom and sent my sister to my ex-husbands house to retrieve my other son... I didn't know that in just a couple of hours I'd have two boys. Sara (our midwife) arrived just after 5am... I'd had a strong contraction while side-laying on the bed and my water had broken just moments before. She asked to check me and I consented... it wasn't too intense, but I was curious about where I stood.

9 cm. No screaming, no yelling... just quiet relaxed labor. Into the tub I went and the submersion was divine... another hour passes and I start to feel pushy... but not completely so. I get out of the tub, move around, try different positions and finally come to rest on my husbands lap as he sits on the bed and I kneel next to it.

And as I push him into the world I still believe he is a girl, until my husband says, "do you want to know what it is?" and I say, "yes." and he replies... "we have a boy."

I don't believe him... I turn around and scoop up my peaceful, watchful, pink and plump baby. Sara has suctioned his nose so gently that he's not even angry. He hardly cries. We wrap up in towels, welcome him into the world and once the placenta is delivered and severed from him by his daddy and his brother together, we climb into bed and rest.

peace, tranquility, birth.

no anger, no tragedy, no pain that was unbearable, no violation of privacy, no chemicals, no trauma to him or me... just birth.

If every birth were a homebirth like mine, women would not fear it... they would anticipate it with joy and excitement.

Happy birthdy Nathan!

slight detour, and a return...

So PMS, plus emotional trauma, plus work stress, plus sick kids equals me last week... I dropped a lot of things, let some things slide (sorry Renee!), and all in all just coasted thru the week hoping I would have the where with all to pick up the pieces on the other side.

And here I am.

There was no exercise, save the short run on Saturday, from Thursday thru Sunday... there will be modified exercise today (pushups/situps and low-weight upper body stuff I'll be doing at home later this evening)... and eating is back on track.

Its hard to admit our faults. I'm one of those people who have made a LOT of progress toward a much healthier lifestyle and people have started asking me questions about it... how'd I do it, where do I find the motivation... hey can you explain this to me. And ever since that started happening it has been VERY hard to admit my own humanity to anyone other than my immediate family.

But here's the cold hard truth ladies and gents... I am an emotional eater. When stress comes down on me like a caber tossed by a kilted Scottsman, I, like many many other women, turn to food. I know it when it happens... sometimes I stop it and try to find another outlet, sometimes I have the capacity to pick a decent food choice (I drowned myself in cottage cheese and pineapple when Jim announced L's news last week), but often... more often than I care to admit... I do not have that strength or presence of mind... and I find myself 30-60-90 minutes later with my hand in the box of goldfish crackers for the umpteenth time while I wash the salty yellow buggers down with a rockey road chaser.

That was me this weekend.

I will not be getting on the scale tomorrow. It isn't worth it... and ultimately it means nothing, because while this weekend sucked ass emotionally... I still got a run in... and I got a LOT of work done on our house (thank you thank you thank you to my hubby for doing SO much work on it as well) and today I feel cleansed of some of the demons, and I will pick up, dust off, and move on.

Looking back at difficult experiences is hard for me to do, but sometimes it does help to re-affirm where I'm comming from and where I'm going... dwelling on difficult experiences however, does no-one any good.

Now... get thee to the gym!

tornado ophelia

My house is in a state that would normally send me in to kiniption fits. There are rubbermade buckets everywhere, the recyle bins are overflowing, stuff I haven't looked at in ages is spread across the floor, beds, every available horizontal surface. Tornado Ophelia came to call today.

And yet... I am ok.

I am not convulsing on the floor.

I am not stressing over every speck of paper.

Our shredder (on the other hand) is crying for mercy.

Today we opened the book on spring cleaning, and when I say spring cleaning I mean clearing all of the useless unnecessary crap out of every closet and nook in our home. We've dumped at least 20 reams of useless papers that we were just storing for no real reason. We've put HUGE piles of old toys and clothes out in the garage for their trip to good-will. I may have actually convinced mike to give up his beloved Nintendos (yes, there are many... and yes, they all work, and yes he has the games to go with them... anyone want 'em?)

Progress is being made... and it makes me SOOOOOOOOOOOO happy.

I come from a family of pack-rats. My mother was possibly the worst offender of all. SO much of her stress is caused by stuff... just things that are in her home but she can't figure out how to let go of. I grew up in a HUGELY cluttered environment... I have worked VERY hard not to create the emotional ties to things that my mother was crippled by for so long. Stuff is just stuff and when it ceases to be usefull to me it becomes clutter and thus MUST GO!

It is so easy to gather stuff... and when you haven't used it for a while to put it away in a cupboard or closet "just in case" it could potentially be of some use years in the future, but I know this is a trap, an emotional well into which I refuse to fall.

Today we REALLY began spring cleaning and I am very pleased with the progress... welcome home Tornado Ophelia, you are family, I invite you in.

oh... and not enough people showed up for paddling practice today so we couldn't take a boat out (oh shucks)... 2.25 mile run was good tho.

cheers!

gassed.

on the schedule for today was either running or running and upper body.

I've got nuttin.

zero.

energy tank = empty.

So I guess today is defacto rest day. I'm pleased with how my workouts have gone thus far this week. We ran 2.3 miles yesterday (non-stop) before doing our calisthenics and then being on the boat for an hour... and according to http://www.caloriesperhour.com that's between 900 and 1100 calories burned for a workout. (yippee!)

Not gettin on the scale again till next tuesday (daily fluctuations are not worthy of my energy)... I ate like CRAP yesterday tho... not enough protein, lots of carbs... TOO MUCH FAT... and yet somehow I stayed under 1600 calories.

Now, how do I find out the nutritional make up of a tuna-roll???

other stuff

While the stuff I posted about below is occupieing a lot of my brain-cycles right now, I figured I should post somthing about fitness today. I guess I didn't update yesterday that the scale still hasn't budged... in fact over the weekend it looked like I'd gone up a solid 2 lbs... that is gone again, and since my menses is due any day I'm hoping that the proverbial whoosh fairy will grant me a small loss on the scale once my cycle has begun anew.

A lot of women bitch openly about their menstrual cycle, and I will admit that it is often a hassle to deal with so frequently... what other high-order mamal is fertile EVERY SINGLE MONTH of the year? None*, that's what... so yeah... just the effort it takes to prevent pregnancy every single month is a hassle... add bleeding for a week (which really wouldn't be so bad if we could take that week and go off to the spa with other menstruating women and be pampered like the goddesses we are) and you've got about 10 days every month where you're not actively dealing with one or the other. Its a hassle. I don't blame ya for bitching... I do it too.

But truly... right now I'm pretty thankful for my cycle... and the fact that I know my fertility is intact. I'm pretty lucky that way. In any case, I won't be bitching about my menses this month, just hoping its causing some delayed reactions from the scale.

*this is an anecdotal answer and I am aware that its probably wholly inaccurate, but at least among primates we are the most frequently fertile of the entire order.

crushed

helplessness is a horrible, crushing, experience.

observing helplessness and not having any power to change the situation causing the helplessness (*thus being helpless in your own right) is crushing as well, but no where near as bleak as actually being in the situation.

I feel completely powerless right now, and yet... I am but an outside observer. I am not family, I'm not Jim. I am crushed right along with him, standing beside him... my GOOD friend for nearly a decade... but there is nothing I can do... nothing I can say that isn't trite, or worthless, or hollow... all I have are words and the ability to be present.

So that is what I will be. Present. Here.

Legs

Workout accomplished:

jumprope - 50 jumps
Smith Squat - 20#x 15, 20, 25 (jumprope 50 jumps between each set)
Calf Raise - 15#x 15, 20, 25 (jumprope 50 jumps between each set)
Pliee Squat - 12#x 20, 30, 40
SLDL - 24#x 20, 25, 20
Leg Exten/Walking Lunge SS - 15#x 30, 30, 20 / bodyweightx 30, 30, 20

I'd like to work up to doing jumprope between each set in order to keep my HR nice and high. I got my third set of the leg extension/walking lunge superset in today, but I cut the reps to 20... we'll see how I feel tomorrow.

I hate feeling rushed and today I feel rushed. I have lots to get done here at work before I leave an hour early to get my filling fixed at the dentist... I have to rush from there to the post office and then home so my hubby can get to work (he works a late swing four nights a week and is home with the boys during the day)... I'll have to rush to get them fed and ready for school tomorrow, rush to get the house cleaned, rush rush rush... I don't like it.

I know I'm not the greatest time manager... I'm doing better than I used to for sure... but still, is it the plague of our times that we never feel we have enough TIME? Not enough days in the week, not enough hours in the day.

I didn't even get my bath last night... *sigh* did make rice krispies treats with the boys tho, so that's somthing.

what the HELL???

I just scarfed down half of a grilled cheese (from @pplebees, yes white bread and american cheese and alltogether too much margarine) that was left over from last night and which I'd re-warmed in the oven for the youngest demon's dinner. I didn't even THINK about it going into my mouth and down my throat until I decided I needed somthing to wash it down with... I don't remember what it tasted like.

I put it in my mouth, and then it was gone.

Mindless eating FRIGHTENS me. Seriously. I was doing VERY well today with my eating (check fit-day, I don't lie) and I was NOT hungry after just finishing my dinner of wheat-pasta with chicken italian sausage. I don't even LIKE american cheese all that much (gimme a smoked gouda or a good provelone anyday)... but there was no control in that sandwich, there wasn't even conscious thought, there was just rapid fire consumption.

I'm not angry about it, its not going to kill my day... but it definitely frightens me because I don't like the feeling that I'm not present at any moment in my life... and I most certainly wasn't HERE and NOW when I scarfed that thing, I was definitely somewhere else, and to be sure there is nowhere that is more important than here and now for me.

In other news, I dreamed I was hanging out and partying with Bam Margera last night and confessed that I'd never had a 40oz malt liquor beverage in my life and he made it his mission to change that fact. (That is in fact, true... I have never consumed a 40oz malt liquor beverage in my life). Needless to say it turned into a VERY interesting dream.

lumps of clay.

I took BD's advice and went for 3 miles today. I did not run the whole thing... I had 3 walking breaks for about 4 blocks each... I needed them, especially the first one. But not because I was out of breath, my breathing fell into the old-familiar comfortable pattern within the first 3 minutes or so. I needed the walk breaks because my legs felt like heavy ass lumps of completely worthless clay. I had to adjust the laces on my right shoe twice because my foot kept going numb, my shins were quite annoyed, my knees (suprisingly) were pretty ok... but my heavy heavy thud-thud stepping legs were just intollerable.

IN FACT - it wasn't until about 2.5 miles INTO the run that they even started to feel like I was running. Prior to that I was sort of shuffling along with a bit of a runners gait... it was probably pretty pathetic to behold. The last half-mile, however, felt pretty damned good. I didn't wear a watch so I don't know how long it took... I'm going to guess around 36-38 minutes tho because I was just that slow.

I'm looking forward to lifting tomorrow, anything other than pounding the pavement or pulling water would be a good thing (tm) at this point.

time for whey at half a turkey sammich.

cheers!

Much better...

After some rest yesterday I felt much better. We actually did a short (2.25m) run just before practice on Saturday and sort of got lost in the sea of portland-fit runners on the waterfront, it was pretty neat to see THAT MANY people running together... what a trip.

Just to answer Holly's question from yesterday, we have a "tiller" who stears us thru the worst of it... his main job is to watch for other watercraft and floating debris and move us around all of that as much as possible. We didn't make it all the way to Sellwood yesterdy mostly because we kept stopping to practice race-starts... but it was still a VERY intense practice.

Today was good (back in the Kaohsiung boats) and I could FEEL my shoulders and back burning long before I thought they should have, but I kept it up and we had a VERY strong practice... some really good race-starts and some fabulous endurance stretches. What's SUPER cool is that we had 15 paddlers of whom EIGHT were women!!! GO LADIES!!! Its cool when the majority of the boat is estrogen based fit ass women.

I've decided to go ahead and run tomorrow. I need to get back my cardio-vascular endurance and the only way that will happen is if I run, run, run... so no more monday rest day for me... here's the plan for the week:

Sunday: 1.5m run and DB practice (done)
Monday: 2-3m run
Tuesday: Legs
Wednesday: 2m run and DB Practice
Thursday: REST
Friday: 3m run
Saturday: 2.25m run and DB Practice (2 hours)

You don't see any upper body weight training in there, but I think I have to resign myself to the fact that I'm doing DB so often that I just don't have a good place to put it... doing it on Monday after two consecutive practices would just be stupid... and I really want my leg day in there, so that leaves thursday... which I suppose I could do... but again, its right after DB practice... argh!!!

THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH DAYS IN THE WEEK!!! I think I'll write my senator.

If someone wants to give my schedule a go to fit in a day of upper body weights, I'd love to see it!

cheers!

exhaustion=nausea

I know I've said that paddling practice has been brutal in the past... but today... today was different... today was... Extremely brutal. Even my fingers are having a hard time functioning correctly right now. We started with a LONG LONG paddle up-river... only one break to switch sides and then we turned and started our start/sprint practice... we did our race starts and 15-60 second sprints over and over... and then we paddled and sprinted, paddled and sprinted with no breaks, only active recovery...

I'm so exhausted that no matter what I eat or do I'm nausious... I'm seeing spots every time I stand up... I'm pounding water and simple carbs and its just not getting better.

I need a nap.

Practice again tomorrow... I'll keep ya posted.

Blargh

So yesterday was RECOCKULOUS nutrition wise for me. I was unprepared, I hadn't planned, I was in pain... I ate whatever was presented to me and yet, somehow, I still kept it under 1600 calories for the day... and I'm fairly certain that I'm not under-estimating the quantities of what I ate. What REALLY sucks is that so much of it was CRAP... empty calories, lots of sugar... and yes... today I feel the bloat.

What I needed was protein and glycogen... I took well-good care of the glycogen... but my protein for the day was abismal.

Even when I'm not training I try to get at least 1gm of Protein per pound of lean bodyweight (around 113-115lbs) per day. I got about half that yesterday... when I'm training hard, like I am now... I definitely could use a bit more.

So, once again, its time to refocus energies on dietary discipline... prep and plan.

And just in case anyone wants to come watch me Paddle for Zamboanga our practice schedule is below:

Saturdays: on the water at 9:30a-11:30a
Sundays: on the water at 4:00p-5:00p
Mondays: on the water at 7:00p-8:00p (I don't go to this practice)
Wednesdays: on the water at 8:00p-9:00p

Every day but saturday we're in the "fancy pants" boats (thanks hollumns)... saturday we're in the "six-sixteens" or long-boats which are much easier to move thru the water than the fancy pants ones.

Oh... and if you show up early you'll get to see us doing military calisthenics in the little circle by the flag-pole at the river-place hotel... count with me, won't you? "one-two-three-ONE-one-two-three-TWO..."

I'm trying to figure out if I should be doing upper-body weights workouts with all of this rowing... I don't really have a good day to do them on that allows for any recovery before its time to row again... maybe Monday but MAN... I sure like having Monday as a rest day after the weekend... hmmm...

DOMS

there isn't a muscle in my body that doesn't hurt right now.

even my fingers.

Practice last night was BRUTAL... but we raced another boat on the river and kicked their ass.

so that makes everything ok.

bath and ibuprofen tonight.

ugh.

Ok... how about a mental review...

First we have vague notions of what we want to get out of all of this work... ideas of an ideal weight, a proper clothing size, how we want to feel about our bodies in the mirror, in a bikini, naked, whatever... we think about how nice it would be to be able to do xxx, or go for an yyy, and we ponder and consider and pine for a time when these vague notions were closer to our reality than they are now.

And then, at some point, we decide that being affraid to fail isn't going to hold us back from trying any longer; and we decide that we are worthy of the time and effort necessary to create a reality that could be so much more satisfying than the one in which we exist right now....

And THEN... we set... GOALS...

I will be xxx on the scale, I will be able to do yyy, I will loose qqq ammount of weight and I will be happy.

We consult books, websites, diet and fitness gurus and we create a plan and we commit fully to working the plan for as long as it takes.

And we march off on our merry way thinking we're going to conquer the world, or at least our rebellious bodies... and we work for a time... and put in the effort... and we do this and that and we make progress... and then the progress slows... or even (God forbid) halts... and bad habits creep back in, or there is a trigger moment that sends us back to a binge, and we get depressed, our hinies planted firmly in the indentation of the couch cushion and we let go lamenting all the while how HARD it is and how much we tried and yet somehow, once again... we've failed... we aren't xxx on the scale, we can't do yyy and we're somehow... still. not. happy.

but why is it a "failure" any more than someone trying to quit smoking who is unable to the first 3 or 5 or 10 times they try? Why is it ok to fail at quitting and not ok to fail at getting fit? People who try to quit smoking are trying to kick an addiction that affects brain chemistry... so are those trying to loose weight and get fit. Smoking is a habit and an addiction... Over eating is a habit and an addiction... not exercising is a habit and an addiction.

I'd like to submit the theory that it doesn't matter how many times you've tried and "failed" in your journey to health... because everytime we try we learn and we get closer and we make a difference if only for a short time... every cigarette you don't smoke adds 7 minutes to your life? I wonder what watching what you eat and exercising does for you even if only for a short while.

So ya fell off the wagon... so what? This shit is hard, its scary and a lot of times we need an emotional break from it all because somehow we have to learn to deal with the world and the people in it without all the food. But the bottom line hasn't changed. We are all worthy of the work, we still deserve the time and effort it takes to reach our goals... and yes, its still scary, and yes we may fall again... the falling isn't what defines us... its what happens next.

My goals haven't gone away... my plan hasn't disapeared... I'm still here, and I'm still worth working for.

so are you.

Progress report

No change on the scale and while I have to admit to some not-so-mild annoyance and not-entirely-fleeting dissappointment I spent some time this morning reminding myself that I just jumped head-long into a pretty intesnse workout schedule so it's not surprising that my scale weight hasn't changed. Internal shifts are going on, and I'd rather see my muscle return to its once glorious state than worry about the scale's movement. (I shoulda taken measurements tho).

In any case, I am still on track and my workout today was pretty damned brutal... high volume on a leg workout is... uh... lets call it intense for lack of a stronger word.

Workout Accomplished:

1.2m jog on tm to warm up
Smith Squat - 15, 20, 25 @ 10lbs
Calf Raise - 15, 20, 25 @ 15lbs
Plie Squat (imagine there is an accent on that e) 20, 30, 40 @ 12#
Dead Lift - 25, 25, 25 @ 25#
Leg extension/walking lunge - 30/30, 30/30 (ext @15#)
stretch, poke, twist... off to the showers.

low weight, high volume... I was supposed to do one more set of the leg-extension/walking lunge superset, but I just didn't have it in me, my form was already suffering on the lunges, so I will add that in next week.

I'm going to catch a short run (probably 2 miles) before dragon boat practice (1 hour) tomorrow night... hopefully my legs will be up for it... if not, I will at least walk it... I know they'll need the help to work the soreness out.

Time to update fitday and get some lunch!

I hurt

ouch.

lets recap, shal we:

fri: upper body workout.
sat: 2 hour dragon boat practice
sun: 1 hour dragon boat practice
mon: I'm giving myself the day off... recovery is needed. I hope to go for a run after work, but that will depend wholly on how I'm feeling at that point.

Sleep came suddenly last night and I don't believe I moved much until I woke this morning.

*sigh*

Its the good hurt, but man... fucking hell.

Dragon Boating

Saturday's practice was different than the last couple of weeks... we warmed up for a few minutes on the water paddling upstream and then we stopped and talked about race-starts, sprints, power strokes, and lots and lots of stuff that I had absolutely NO idea what meant... but it all became clear VERY quickly as we practiced starts over and over and over and did start sprints for 15, 30, 45 and 60 seconds over and over and over again.

There was quite a lot of rest/recovery between the sprints, but it was a whole different workout and quite an eye opener. Up till yesterday our practices had been endurance focused... paddling and paddling with little rest... 7 miles per workout... we didn't cover that kind of distance yesterday, but I think the sprint intervals were very intense and a very good workout in and of themselves.

unfortunately I let my food go to hell yesterday, but I'm not worried about it and I'm back on track today... I may just have to allow for Saturdays to be thoughtful-free days, but we'll see how it goes.

First practice in the big-boats today... 1 hour... probably a lot of sprinting and starting practices again... wish me luck!

Upper body and all cottage cheese all the time

Have I mentioned that I love cottage cheese.

Now maybe I'm a freak of nature, but I could potentially live on cottage cheese and fruit for years with zero complaints. I'm having cottage cheese with strawberries for lunch... the strawberries were a little tart so I've sprinkled about 1/2 a packet of splenda on top and its like a sundae only GOOD FOR ME... YIPPEE!!

Workout today was upper body again, tho that may have been a bad idea what with two dragon boat practices on deck for this weekend:

workout accomplished:

5min w/u tm.
Assisted p-u/pushup ss - 10/8/8
incline b-p/upright row ss - 15/15/15 @8#
shoulder press/lat-raise ss - 15/15/15 @3#
ez bar curl/ez bar french press ss - 15/15/15 (just the bar)
db curl/dip ss - 15/15/15 @5#
knee up (on bench) 2@20 reps, Flutter kick (on bench) 2@20 reps.
10 minute incline walk on TM - incline 5 speed 3.8mph.

This weekend should be FANTASTIC: Dragon Boat tomorrow morning at 9:30 (2m jog beforehand) till 11:30, No knitting class, but then Dragon Boat again on Sunday (first time in the ceremonial Koshang Boats) at 4pm... so if you add it up, I will have probably burned upwards of 5k calories this week. Add to that eating healty whole foods for the whole week and I imagine we'll se some scale movement next Tuesday...

For perspective I am going to use my starting weight from last Tuesday when I finally pulled my ass outta the funk... that weight was 173... it sucks, but I don't care... it's real and its where I'm starting from. I'd like to see a solid 2lb loss this week, but even if I don't, I don't care because it WILL come eventually and what I'm doing now is so much better for me than stuffing dingdongs down my throat and drinking half a bottle of wine every night.

;)

and YES, I had one krispy kreme donut this morning, and I've logged it in Fit-day and I'm adjusting for it today. Tada... life, without excess and without deprivation. HOORAY!!! (I'm sounding awfully proud of myself today aren't I? heh.)