LexySmash

Night shift? O.H.N.

Yeah, my body doesn't like night shift.

In fact, its pretty pissed off at me. I am WAAAAAY behind in my readings (I have 100 pages to read for a test I have to take before midnight tonight and another 600 for the module that starts today) and I have clinical tonight, saturday night and sunday night. When I get home around 0745 each morning I am DEAD. Like nauseous, nearly falling asleep at the wheel on the drive home, DEAD.

AND right at shift change during my first shift on this rotation a patient that we'd been trying to keep comfortable all night died. Just up and died. Now, granted he was 87 had an ischemic bowel that he refused treatment for, and was VERY uncomfortable the whole night despite being pumped full of all the morphine and ativan we could give the poor guy... but the day nurse decided she was gonna stand him up to give him a suppository (tryin to save the freakin day or some shit) without TALKING to us about how his night had gone... and by the time they sat him back down, eyes were fixed and dilated, and he was gone.

If that stupid nurse hadn't stood him up we probably could have gotten ahold of his FAMILY before he died. But nope. I hope she feels like an asshole about that one for a while.

SO... two workouts today because I slept through yesterday... and this weekend I am going to start getting serious about the eating plan again. This stagnation has me frustrated and depressed and I'm just ready to re-apply myself fully so I can fit into my scrubs better and not be pounding the shit out of my knees and feet with these 35 extra pounds I'm carrying around when I run.

I'm looking at picking up a Zone book because I know its a good plan for fitness focused eating... and, as always, there will be food-accountability over at fit-day again.

For now I'd better get back to my text book... its not gonna read itself.

where am I again?

Oh yeah... Wisconsin. Right.

The theme of the last couple of weeks has been rain. Thunder, lightning and RAIN. Lots of it. Shit is flooding, lakes and rivers running over their banks. Lawns soaked and kids out of school... and thus, inside, and in my hair and on my nerves and I swear to God if one of them whines at me because its STILL RAINING one more time I just might have to smack 'em!!! (well... not really, but damn its tempting sometimes... that or to go find a really dirty sock to stuff in their mouths!).

I'm still in my 30 day crossfit challenge, we're in week 3 I believe... I missed yesterday's WOD, but I just finished making it up and I'll do today's later this evening. I'm making gains in strength and endurance but I'll be damned if the scale hasn't budged an inch. *sigh* I know that I can out-eat any work-out program, but damn... this is an INTENSE one, so I was hoping I'd get to take it easier on the diet. Guess not.

I start clinicals again next Tuesday. This rotation is geriatrics for me and I'm on the sub-acute unit of a local hospital. "Sub-acute" is just code for "rehab" which is where they send older folks after surgery when they need longer recovery than normal or who are "actively dieing" and are on comfort measures but don't want to be at home or in a hospice facility. Should be a relatively mellow rotation except for the fact that its a night-shift. Ugh. I can do days, I can do PMs (3-11pm) but nights is going to be a challenge for me physiologically. My body doesn't like night shift... it likes to sleep when its dark. That's probably one of the main reasons I ended up so depressed when I was living in Alaska... my body wanted to sleep all winter long, which isn't good for the social life of a teen-ager, if ya know what I mean. *sigh*

Kids are good... Older one is off to his dad's in OR for six weeks (yay!) younger one is driving me NUTS with no one to "play with!" I'm sending him off to a movie with Grandma tomorrow so I can take my Geriatrics final in peace and then its prep time for pediatrics. I have 121 days left until I graduate and I am nearly ready to start counting minutes and seconds. Being done still seems like a dream that is SO FAR OFF in the distance... but it IS coming and I just have to make it through 17.5 more weeks.

*sigh*

I lifted 1400 lbs yesterday.

I need better access to heavy lifting equipment though.

My shoulder press still sucks... I can get the 30# dbs up twice, but I go to the 35s and there's no way in hell.

I dead-lifted 105# 5 times and did back-squat wiht 70# 5 times. I could go heavier on both, but all I have is my adjustable DBS that max out at 52.5# each and there's no WAY I can heft that much up to my shoulders to squat. If I had a bar and some bumper plates... and rings... and a 16# padded medicine ball... and... and...

In other news I am done with my OB clinical rotation and I believe I did very well. My last day was BUSY with every bed on the unit full, moving delivered mom-babies to peds and I personally was in on 2 vaginal births and 2 c-sections (one planned for transverse lie and one for a surprise footling breech!). We also had a VERY precipitous labor with a mom coming up from the ER and barely making it to the bed before pushing out her 7lb baby girl.

I'm pretty proud that I was able to get an 18gauge IV into a fore-arm vein for the first c-section patient. She hated hand IVs, (which is all I've done so far) and forearm veins are just a little deeper, but I got it on the first try and she was very happy with me. (HOORAY!). IVs were the one thing I was just petrified of, but I'm gaining a lot of confidence as time goes on. I still need to gain the muscle memory to keep things in the right order... but once I've got that I think I'll be pretty good at them. The other IV I started that day also only took one poke, so overall it was a good day. 4 healthy babies, for 4 happy families.

And now I must go kill myself with todays cross-fit workout.

An update

So... I am more than half way through my BSN program now. I have 4 more clinical rotations. My next rotation in OB starts next week. I'll be on the busiest L&D floor in the area so I'm VERY excited about that, plus the nurse I'm with works day shift and that rocks so much butt I can't even explain it. School is still going well. I blew my 4.0 with an A/B in Legal and Ethical Issues in Nursing. I was PISSED at myself, but... it was my own fault for going on a vacation to Boston in the middle of the course and screwing up the paper I had to turn in for the class. Overall my GPA is still a 3.677 I believe, so I'm not going to sweat it.

I have to take my Mental Health Nursing final today between 3 and 7pm, I am NOT looking forward to it. I did well on the first exam, but the second was INSANE (poorly written questions with ambiguously right/wrong answers) and everyone did much worse on it. I need a solid A (to get an A in this program you need better than 93%) to pull an A in the class... but realistically I'm gunning for an A/B this time... we'll see.

I'm planning to spend the weekend reading up in my OB text book because I start on the floor bright and early Monday morning. I may think I know a lot about the physiology of labor and birth, but really... I know NOTHING about nursing care for a woman in labor. I'm a trained doula, but that doesn't mean I'd be able to pick up late-decels on the monitor... or what to do about it if I did.

I am THRILLED to be doing OB tho. The other option I could have been assigned is Mental Health for this clinical... Oh. Hell. No. I mean, I have learned a HELL of a lot about mental health issues and got some HUGE revelations about people I've known who are (or are not) diagnosed with things like bipolar, borderline personality disorder and schizophrenia... but I do not feel that I am in any way ready to deal with other people's mental issues when I still have my own to sort out... thankyouverymuch.

In other news, Nate turned 6 a couple weeks ago. We had a Star Wars themed party here at the house for a dozen of his friends (LITERALLY a DOZEN KINDERGARTENERS FOR 3 HOURS!!!). He had a blast and got TONS of presents so I think he considered it a success.

Val has been doing SO well in school and I don't know if I mentioned but he participated in wrestling for the first time this winter and he was REALLY good at it. Plus he loved it, so that's probably going to be a regular activity for him from here on out. He's got a good friend now who lives just down the street and they're inseparable, especially when they go to the YMCA on the weekends. He's getting so much more mature it blows my mind. He'll be 10 in July... yeowch!

As for fitness etc... I have decided that I don't need to think about my weight at this point... what matters is my fitness level and being able to endure 8-12 hour work-days on my feet as a nurse when I graduate. That's why I decided to start the cross-fit program... well... that and my little sister challenged me (hah!).

We'll see if I make it through today's workout without puking... I am not optimistic.

;)

My GOAL for the weekend!!!

Is to DO MY TAXES!!!

Yup, I do 'em... and yup, I itemize. In fact, we had enough medical expenses (blech!) and a low enough income that we might actually get a refund too! But its a lot of work... I have to create a spreadsheet with our deductions or I just can't keep everything straight... but once it's done its damned pretty, and all the documentation is in order so I don't fear an aud1t if ever there should be one. (Huzzah?)

In any case, that is my goal.

I am starting to feel like I need to start swimming again. I haven't replaced the suit I lost in the move, but I'm feeling like it's time. I miss how good and loose I always felt after swimming, and holy-god-damn did it do good things for my shoulders (YAY!)... so another goal for the weekend may be to get a new suit. Yeah... and shave the furry legs too. Sound good?

Hey Mojo! Congrats on Japan!!!

Good week.

Its been a good week... I don't know if I mentioned that I was tipped off to some awesome couch-to-5k pod-casts, but I was (on a knitter's blog no-less!) And while I'm only up to week 2 on the pod-casts (I wanted to see how the whole program went) the music is fantastic and the guy's voice is mellow and positive and he tells you right when to run and when to slow it back down to your brisk-walk. I whole-heartedly recommend them!!

School is also going well! I am finishing up Pathophysiology II today with the final and then Pharmacology II starts on Wednesday and goes for 2 weeks. Last class of February is Ethical and Legal Considerations in Nursing Practice, which sounds like a FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC class... and THEN we start Adult Health II clinicals. During the month of march I will be doing the Adult Health II theory course WHILE AT THE SAME TIME completing 156 hours of clinical. That's almost 30 hours per week of just clinical... PLUS book-work and on-line coursework... I know we've been at this for nearly 5 months and that we FINISH in October... so at 1/2 way through we should be figuring out how to manage 40 hours a week of course work... but now we're talking a total of more like 60-80 hours per week of school+clinical... YIKES!!

I guess I should enjoy the easy life while I can... eh?

I did it

I finished my first clinical rotation this week. By the end of the 5th day I was successfully caring for two post-surgical patients. I may have saved a patient who was recovering from an abdominal aortic aneurism repair... she had pain in her calf, and her foot was cool to the touch... we sent her for a stat CT scan... I didn't hear any of the results on it, but when I came back the next day she'd been transferred to the ICU.

I gave injections, watched/assisted in a chest tube removal, removed 3 foley catheters, attempted an IV start (failed, but oh well.) did some pretty extensive wound care, etc... it was a pretty intense rotation. I'm glad it's over, and I did well (clinical instructor gave me an A) but I'm already looking forward to the next rotation.

I've got one more free day before class starts again on Wednesday so I'm trying to get things done around the house and I may do some pre-reading tomorrow. It seems like October is going to be here in no time at all. When your life is measured by intense 2 week blocks of time, days and months seem to lose all meaning... *sigh*

Do me a favor... please?

My Adult Health Assessment skills exam is tomorrow morning.

Just send me some good luck vibes... its going to be a very, very, very difficult day.

Thanks.

Sunday Lab

It is 5:45 in the morning.

I just put a sour-cream streusel coffee cake into the oven.

At 8:00 my practical nursing life begins with our very first hands-on Lab day. Yes, school on Sunday... you didn't think they called it accelerated and only required school from Monday to Friday every week did ya? Oh good.

Following two full days (8am - 8pm) of lab I have my first clinical placement... I believe it is two days on the ambulatory surgical unit (out-patient surgery)... starting IVs, taking histories, vitals, etc... I'm a little nervous on the whole vein puncture thing... but its a skill I want to have and that I want to be VERY VERY good at. I know what its like to have a nurse who can't find a vein and it sucks... I don't ever want to be that nurse.

Many of my classmates come from all over the place. One is from Arizona and several are from MN and IL and other such states, and they all had to travel yesterday, most are staying in a hotel or the dorms on campus, neither of which provide the comforts of home and so... yes... I am making a coffee cake to bring for breakfast because that's just how I am, thank you very much.

I suppose I could have gotten up and gone for a run instead... hrmm... oh well, next time. ;)

Wish us all luck!!

Happy Anniversary to ME!!

Yesterday was our fourth wedding anniversary and it was really mellow and great.

We spent the day together, just walking and shopping and then we went to see I Am Legend... uh... I knew NOTHING about the movie going in, so it freaked me right the fuck out and I had to leave the theater a couple of times. I am totally down with end of the world/apocalypse type movies... but when you throw monsters that used to be people into the mix I get FAR too convinced and I have nightmares for a week. I seriously couldn't get it all out of my head when I was trying to fall asleep last night either... made for some not exactly restful sleep.

Every year we buy a pair of wine glasses. The tradition started when one of the glasses we got at the Paris broke when we got home from our wedding. Now we buy a pair of glasses each year and if both of them make it thru the year we break one of them on our anniversary and get a new pair. This is the FIRST year that we've gotten to intentionally smash a glass... every year before this has seen the accidental demise of one of our anniversary glasses. It was deeply satisfying to wrap this years victim in paper, and stomp on it together. Our set this year are stem-less so I'm hoping they make it through.

Christmas was fantastic and I've run 3x/week for the last couple of weeks which is feeling really good. I'm trying VERY hard not to overwork my foot which is why I'm starting so slow... but at this point I'm gun-shy and I REALLY don't want another injury to slow me down.

Hope the holidays have been happy and healthy for all!

too much

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this site going forward.

I don't have much more to say on the fitness front. I've regained about 6 lbs since my last check and I am getting motivated to lose it and more again. But the point is that I just don't feel like I'm contributing much to the conversation anymore. That is obvious in the lack of posting... but its also in my lack of response to anyone else out there. I haven't read other weight-loss/fitness journals in months really... I check in on a few personal friends, but that's really it. And that makes all of this feel like a waste of space... like I said, I'm not sure, but I'll keep you all posted.

I got straight As again this term, now I just wait to see if I got into nursing school. I should know by mid-june.

Life has been a ball of stress and now that school is out I'm finding it to be much easier to focus on myself... I am back to having about 15-20 lbs of fat that I'd like to get rid of (not "weight" mind you... fat). And as is always the case, the last few lbs are the hardest to lose. Take care all!

the speed at which we live...

It blows my mind how quickly a week can get away from me... last week I got sick (again) and didn't work out until Thursday... I hardly ate either, and the emergenC I downed like it was going out of style had me feeling healthy again by Wednesday evening. I also finished my second week of spring term. When I'm in school the weeks seem condensed. I only have classes on M-W-F, but those three days are LONG (8a-4:30p, with 1 1hr break) and Tuesday and Thursday seem just long enough for me to catch my breath before diving in again.

Microbiology is my best class this term, I am absolutely FASCINATED by what we're learning about the microbial world.

Chemistry is a close second... the professor is awesome (such a contrast to last term) and the expectations are straight forward and I believe I'll do well.

Physiology is also a good class, my only complaints are that the Lab is more of a supplemental lecture than an actual "Lab" and that the professor is SO FREAKING SMART that she has a hard time simplifying the concepts and differentiating between the details we need to know, and those that we don't... because as she lectures EVERYTHING seems important.

I can't believe that we're mid-February of 2007 already... I keep lamenting the fact that I hardly remember 2006 at all... There are specific EVENTS I remember... but the year itself just went too fast.

I wish I knew how to slow down and experience each day more fully... instead of feeling like the hours have suddenly gotten away from me when I look at the clock every evening and its time to go to bed.

Input is welcome.

Weekend off...

I'm flying off to Connecticut tomorrow morning to spend the weekend with a friend I've known only online thus far. We'll be driving half way to Boston to meet up with another internet friend.

Meeting people that you've met online used to be a tabooed occurrence but just last month one young man from Eugene, Oregon spent his winter break (5 weeks) traveling from one coast of the US to the other and back using only the hospitality and generosity of people who volunteered to help him in an online forum. You can read all about it here: The Human Baton

More than 300 people drove, lodged and played tour guide in an effort to show that there are a LOT of people out there who are not the predators and pedophiles that the media loves to sensationalize.

Yes, those elements are still there, but there in EVERY facet of human society... what matters is that the rest of us are out here too.

So, with that said, I'll be staying with Linda and her husband, and meeting up with Ruth. I'm going on an adventure that was facilitated by the internet... maybe more of us should take chances like this.

I'm DONE!!!

Wow.

Today I completed my first term of college toward my BSN. I am done with my finals (as of 6:35pm) and I am excited that I may have done well enough to pull a 4.0 for the term... its out of my hands at this point, but I did my best.

I am officially OFF until the end of January! That's right, SIX WEEKS off!!! YAYAYAYA!!!

I guess I should try to find a jorb or somthing like that... ;)

I made it to 170 this week, and while hitting 160 in two weeks is INCREDIBLY unlikely, I do plan to work as hard as I can to get as close as I can by Jan 1.

But for now, my red-wine is callin... raise your glass with me, won't you?

Happy Holidays!!

heh...

I suppose I should have posted about the actual grade I got on the chemistry test that I thought I bombed...

it was an A.

Yeah, a little harsh on myself much? In any case... I still have the A in Chem and A/B in Anatomy that I am REALLY gunning to get up to an A with the final exam and lab practical final, and an A in nursing. So the 4.0 is not completely out of the question.

It blows my mind how many kids in my chem class are failing. I mean... you only have to get a 60% to get a C for crap's sake!!! Finals for Anatomy Lab, Chem and Anatomy Lecture are all on Thursday. Nursing Final is Wednesday. I have two lectures on Tuesday for material that WILL BE ON THE FINALS two days later... *sigh* Someone needs to teach UWOshkosh about "dead-week."

Next term's schedule is set tho (Microbiology, Physiology and Chemistry), and January comes with the opening of the application process for the October Cohort of the Accelerated BSN program... which means stress and forms and letters of recommendation galore!! It also means that the GPA I get next term won't factor into my admission into the program, which is kind of a relief... Hopefully the qualifying classes for the GPA calculation will keep me above a 3.5... I'm fairly confident that they will... I just need to go thru my transcript to make sure.

Ok... enough babbling from me, off to lift some heavy shit!

P.S. I'm re-opening commenting!

Life continues on...

So after that awesome result on the Anatomy test I bombed a Chemistry exam on Thursday... I'm really annoyed, but I won't see the official grade until next Tuesday at the earliest, so I'm trying not to worry about it too much... if I pull a C I'll be happy... truly. The problem was that I studied the wrong things and what I focused on was only 2 questions on the test. What I glossed over made up the bulk of the exam. *sigh*

My fitness and diet are back on track... I've been recording religiously on fit-day for the last week and it helps me to see exactly what I'm doing and to focus on getting my protein. If you look at those, don't place too much faith in the overall calorie count... I always assume that I get easily 100-200 calories in randomness thru the day.

Weigh in on Friday was 172.5 and I'm hoping to break out of the 170s finally by next Friday... I'm riding on the trainer as often as I can... lifting less than regularly, but I'm certain that once the term ends I'll be able to return to some semblance of normality with that as well.

Tomorrow, however, all bets are off. I will be at Lambeau for the Packers game (Third Row - 20 yeard line - Packers Side of the field) and there will be hot chocolate and brats consumed. Probably no beer tho, as its going to be TITS COLD!!! (Wind chill in the "high single digits to low teens.")

Making Christmas cookies with the boys is a challenge in and of itself. Hope everyone is well and happy!

School

Chemistry is a bit remedial... but still a lot to learn.

Anatomy is fascinating, the prof is very good lecturer, but he seems to think the class is (in general) kinda slow... gonna be a lot of memorization tho.

Human Growth and Development is interesting, but getting used to the on-line format is a different.

I'm a student... yay... ;) I mean, I think.

I am overwhelmed some days and completely confident others... I know that I'm providing a good example to the kids, doing my homework, etc... but man... I hate to see my family and home suffering for this.

Overall I think I'll do well this semester... my goal (of course) is all As, and keeping my excercise and diet on track as well... so far so good.

On Hold

The workout schedule is on hold this week as I determine how being a full-time student is going to affect my daily life.

So far the consensus is... I have time for nothing... ;)

Still eating like a champ tho... so I won't be doing myself any dammage this week... I'll be back as soon as I pull it together and hit the student gym. I'm excited to do a review of it.

Comments, Ugh...

Sorry about the comments being closed on the last few entries, I have MT set to do that by default. I keep forgetting to open them when I post, so I'll try to be more consistant doing that from now on.

Mojo - KICK BUTT!!! You'll be surprised how much difference upper body weight lifting will help... and you will have some muscle memory which will help you maintain good form. Light is where to start for sure!

I haven't posted my arm/shoulder workout yet because I haven't done it yet. I'm going to do my legs today and make-up arms/shoulders this weekend... its been a busy couple of days.

So much going on with school... signing up for an accelerated CNA program at the university (October is going to suck!)... meeting with the academic adviser for the Accelerated BSN program at the university. Getting the kids caught up on their shots, getting Val registered at school... Its not an excuse not to exercise, tho... and I am changing my mindset now to disallow for excuses like this.

I will meet my goal of 3x lifting every week in August. Failure is not an option.

My feet are suited to cycling.

Went to a well recommended podiatrist today to get some treatment for my incredibly painful feet... we talked about the right shoes for my foot geometry, about having high arches and the complications they cause when trying to find shoes. He prescribed a pretty strong anti-inflamatory (NSAID) called piroxicam and took casts of my feet for new orthotics as the old ones have broken down significantly... I didn't even ask how much its going to cost... *sigh*.

Then I mentioned running... that I haven't been able to do it, that I love it and want to get back to it...

and he said, "You have great feet for cycling."

Its not that I can't or shouldn't run... its just nearly impossible to find shoes that will properly support my arch so that the inflamation can heal and not recur... he asked that I not run *at all* while we're getting the inflamation under control... *sigh*.

Looks like I'll be getting a lot of time in the saddle for the next month or so... I'm trying not to be depressed by this, I can't change my arches... and I will be able to run again, eventually... and cycling is a lot of fun, and a good workout... hell, I've already got the feet for it! ;)

I wish he would have just given me the cortizone shot... but he didn't want to unless it was necessary.

I have good feet for cycling.

guess I'd better get my ass on my bike... I'll post my arm/shoulder workout a little later.

whoo boy...

So sorry for the long absence!! I am typing this entry from the office of my new home in Wisconsin... I'm sure you can understand the lack of updates during the last few weeks, its been quite busy. I'm still surrounded by boxes and things laying about. I still have a billion little loose ends to tie up. And I can't find my damned Garmin Forerunner ANYWHERE!!! ARGH!!!

The good news is that I've been putting on the shoes. In order to get back in the habit, I have resolved to get up every weekday morning for the next two weeks and put on the shoes. So far Monday and Tuesday were both successful. I'm not running for very long, or very far, but the shoes go on, and my butt goes out the door.

And its helping me in other ways too. I've dropped the 5lbs of vacation weight I put on during our road trip, and the salt-bloat from all of the rich food is subsiding. I am up early enough to have breakfast with my husband which is a VERY nice change for us... and I'm getting more accomplished before 10am than I did in a whole day back in Washington.

I think its going to take a few weeks for me to get used to living here, but so far its been a positive experience. The people I've met are very nice and very welcoming... Grandma and Grandpa have already proven their worth by taking the boys off our hands a couple of times, and the new house is really lovely and I'm enjoying filling it with my random crap.

One month progress pics will be taken the third week of July to compare with the ones I'm taking now. I have ones from a month ago as well (aproximately 3weeks post partum), but I'm mortified by them, and I may not post them... we shall see.

iPod revisited...

So... I know I asked for folks to click on my iPod link a while back... and a lot of kind folks signed up, and I super appreciate that, but if you don't actually complete an offer on the site... it doesn't count for anything.

I currently sit (after about a year) with 2 completed referrals (YAY!!!) and I need a total of 3 more to get the iPod for my sweetie... so I have an offer for ya:

Sign up, complete an offer, and as soon as your offer shows up as "completed" I will pay-pal you how ever much it cost you to complete the referral. Most are less than $10, so even at $30 its a great deal for an iPod (at least in my book).

Anyone wanna? If you do, email me so I know who you are if/when you sign up!

OK... other news... both babies are breech: PLEASE SEND HEAD-DOWN thoughts, vibes, spells, incantations, prayers, feelings, rituals, or anything else you can think of to these boys. The OB said at the last ultrasound that its unfortunate they're both boys... because men have no sense of direction, and they're not likely to ask either. If at least one of them were a girl, she'd most certainly get them going the right direction.

Have I mentioned that I TRULY love my OB? (Even as a die-hard midwife advocate!)

I'm alive, I swear

Mom's been here for a couple of weeks which has been AWESOME. She's helping finish all of the projects around the house that we never seem to find the time to do. She's takin care of me and the boys as well and I've got a freezer full of lasagne to prove it.

Twins are still kickin-it old skool inside the ol' ute. (damn I crack myself up sometimes). They seem to love 80s pop and strawberries which I take to be good signs over all. My health is good... weight just topped 215 (DAMN!!!), for a total gain of 45lbs and I'm stoked that I'm down to a month and a half(tops) of pregnancy left. If I don't go into labor by 38 weeks we're scheduling an induction for that week and honestly, I think I'll be ready.

Overall I'm still pretty comfortable. The burping and aspirating food in the middle of the night is a bit problematic (and FREAKY) and my low back is definitely sore and every now and then I get shooting pains in the groin area if I twist or stand up too quickly. Our next ultrasound is on the 29th and they'll estimate sizes again. Last time they were 3lbs each (we go a month between growth-scans) so I'm expecting a couple of 4lb babies at the next check.

I am big (huge even) you can check the gallery for the latest shots:

http://www.lexysmash.com/gallery/transfer2?page=8

I am 31w2d today, and expecting to hit 36 easily... 4w and 5 days till "full-term"

Any bets on how big I measure around the belly? I'm not tellin, but if you guess right I'll confirm!

;)

kicking back

having a relaxing day with Nate today. We went out for pancakes for breakfast, then over to the mall (pre-opening) to play at the indoor play-ground for a little bit. Picked up the requisite Seattle Sweatshirts to wear tomorrow... and yes I got them for the whole family (but NOT matching). Grabbed some groceries for lunch tomorrow (brats... just... well, just because darnit), and then came home and relaxed the rest of the day. We played cars, petted the cats (who are PISSED at me about the vaccinations yesterday) and I got a couple hour nap around 1pm while Nate hung out in his bed.

I'm getting a bit more used to being home from work... but I was supposed to get a call from the benefits people last week that I didn't get, so I'm a little concerned about that. I know there is a deadline for filling out the disability paperwork, so I'm hoping I hear somthing early next week. If I don't I'll be chasing people down because I can't live without my paycheck for very long.

Ok... that's not true... We'll be fine for a couple of months, but I really don't want to have to deal with that, so I guess I'm just motivated to be proactive.

The babies were SUPER active today... probably all the chocolate covered pretzels I ate. ;)

Ok... time to put the kid to bed!

I made it!!!

Today is my last day of work for the duration of this pregnancy. I have somthing akin to short-timers syndrome I think... I am SO unmotivated to get ANYTHING done.

I did, however, bring in Krispy Kremes for the department (because if I'm gonna be fat, so is everyone else, damnit!) :D and they seem to appreciate that. I have handed off almost everything that needed to be transitioned either to the new Project Manager, or to others in my department. I am TIRED, so I know its really a good time for me to be doing this.

so... being a stay at home mom is going to be a totally new thing for me for a while... Val is in school so he won't be there most of the day... and Nate has preschool 3 days a week... but what do I do when he's home? I haven't ever had to plan week-day activities with my kids! I am TOTALLY excited about it tho! Any suggestions or ideas are GREATLY appreciated.

Ok... better go check my email again!

24 WEEKS!!!

Well kiddies, we've made it to the very edge of viability for these little guys. Every week from here on out (and I'm determined that there will be at LEAST 12 more) increases the chance of healthy babies exponentially... as does the weight they will be gaining. For the next 4 weeks or so the average gain (per baby) is 1/4 lb. After 28 weeks it can go up to as much as 1/2 lb. per week per baby.

Watch Here for the amazing expanding abdomen!!!

I'm feeling good, sleeping and eating well. Walking as much as I can muster the energy for and resting when I can't. The kids are asking more questions about the belly and I am finding them to be VERY intelligent and understanding of what's going on. My older son said the babies in my belly are like his cousins, not his brother and I said that was a good way to look at it.

These are my last 3 days of work before I go on medical disability leave. I can make it... ;)

Last Week of Work

This is my last week of work for the remainder of the pregnancy. I am being put on disability and instructed to "take it easy" and relax and rest as much as possible.

I think I may take up my knitting again. ;)

But truthfully, I am actually glad for this. I mean... I haven't had a break from working since I graduated from OSU in 1996 and really even before that since I worked my way thru college and had jobs all thru highschool as well. So for the last 16-17 years I have been pretty much consistantly gainfully employed. Not that leaving the workforce temporarily doesn't scare the crap out of me, because it does. Things are gonna change here in the next 3-4 months... and I'm gonna change... I'm not terrified or anything, just a little nervous. Thank HEAVEN for short-term disability insurance.

I'm also kind of excited that I'm going to get a taste of being a stay at home mom for a while. I've never had the opportunity to do that in my kids lives. When Val was born I was a newlywed with a mortgage and we both had to work... when Nate was born Mike was laid off so I had to work... This will be the first time I get to interact with my kids before and after school since their first few months of infancy. I'm basking in the luxury of it all.

Things are constantly in flux at our house too... big changes in the works and I'm fighting the "fight or flight" instinct that tends to take hold in the face of big changes. Everything is good tho... I'm finally looking at getting to change career paths and the potential improvements in our financial situation are wonderful... so its all good.

I need to figure out how to face changes like this more... productively... ya know?

Ok, breakfast time.

Jeeze - look at the SLACKER!!!

Wow... I mean... wow. I certainly don't INTEND to go this long between posts, so once again, I apologize for my marked lack of post updates!

How are things going in this neck of the woods? Why its going very well, thank you!! I will be done working for the duration of the pregnancy starting next Friday, and everything on that front seems to be going very well. My blood pressure is holding steady at 118/58 and I've gained around 27-29 lbs so far (depending on the time of day). Babies are growing and kicking and getting hiccups which is just the coolest feeling in the world!! Doc is very happy with my progress and my gain. He thinks I'll go to 36+ weeks and have nice big babies to show for it.

On the fitness front - HA! What fitness front? Was I kidding myself? Or has it just been that weird of a pregnancy that I've just not been able to get into an exercise routine? The good thing is that I'm still walking. I walk everywhere... try to go every evening and walk at lunch too... but it is better than nothing and I do acknowlege that as much as possible.

I'm eating VERY well thanks to Pioneer Organics delivering produce every other week... and Trader Joes keeps me in healthy convenience foods.

Nuts are my friends these days... as are eggs and lamb-chops... man I can't get enough red-meat. I know this indicates that I'm probably anemic, but I'm always mildly anemic, so I'll probably have to add an iron supplement (Floradix is my favorite) here soon.

I'm ready for the rain to FREAKIN STOP already. Seriously... ENOUGH! Ok... I'm done.

Hope everyone is healthy and happy!

I know I've said it before...

but I do NOT recommend the viral GI bug diet to anyone. It sucks and is SO not worth the effort involved.

Yeah, that's how I've spent the last 3 days... in bed with fever, body aches (to the point that I couldn't sleep from the pain), chills, diareah (well that part I wasn't in bed for, thank God) and all over general malaise... the good thing was... I WASN'T Vomiting too! oh joy.

What is really good about the non-vomiting is that I was able to keep from getting overly dehydrated (went to the doc yesterday to make sure... can be bad for the chilluns ya know!) and I was doing fine, not spilling ketones in my urine and showing good hydration, so hooray for Gatorade.

This started Sunday with what felt (at the time) like a sinus pressure headache... I got in bed and it quickly progressed to the other symptoms. I took some tylenol that night to help myself sleep and keep the fever down... but unfortunately Monday was worse... and Tuesday worse still. Finally, today, I am starting to feel more or less human again. I didn't go back to work tho as I feel no pressing need to "push" myself in that manner.

In all I lost a total of 5.5 lbs of primarily fluid and intestinal contents... hopefully it will come back in the next few days as I am able to eat and eliminate more regularly.

It really sucks being sick... but being pregnant and sick... well that's just icing on the cake, really. ;)

2005

First - thank you Jim's Big Ego for THIS

Second - for me, 2005 really wasn't all that bad.

In January I got pregnant.
In Febuary I found out the baby died.
In March I miscarried.
In April I paddled with Zamboanga and I saw Muhammed Ali at a distance.
In May, with the help of my family, I landscaped my front and back yards and did a lot of hot-yoga.
In June I ran the Drop Top 10k (not a PR, but a good time at 1:10:37)
In July I rode my bike to work 2-3 times a week.
In August Laurie died and I got pregnant again.
In September I found out I'm carrying twins.
In October I applied for Midwifery/Nursing School.
In November I found out one of the babies has a congenital (potentially fatal) heart defect.
In December I got accepted to Nursing School.

There was good and bad and indifferent... there was a lot of blogging and a lot of time off. No major injuries or illnesses afflicted my household.

This month we paid off all of our remaining (non mortgage related) debt... (can you believe it?) It took 3 years, but it was SO worth it in the end. No credit card debt... no car loans (despite the new Mini Cooper S in Chili Red/black that we picked up on Thursday of last week with 12 whole miles on the odo)... no education loans, nothing. When we sell the house we will be truly financially independant, and that... my friends... may be one of my proudest accomplishments this year.

Now... how about my goals for this next year? I do have some of those as well:

Like Neca mentioned its all about S.M.A.R.T goals: Specific, Measureable, Attainable, Realistic, Time-bound.

Here are my 2006 S.M.A.R.T. goals:

1. By May 18th 2006, I will grow and give birth to two big strong babies regardless of external circumstances.
2. By June 30th I will quit or get myself laid off from my job... (can we all say "HOORAY!!!" for this one?)
3. By July 4th I will be back on a specific strength, cardio and nutrition plan with the goal of being back to running 10 miles by the end of 2006.
4. By August 1, 2006 I will be completely moved to Wisconsin.
5. By September 15, 2006 I will be enrolled in classes at the UW Oshkosh where I will be pursuing my BSN.
6. By December 31, 2006 I will be back under 160 lbs.

So there you have it. Questions, comments???

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

And I'd like to present... for your celebratory ammusement... my New Years Evening Snack:

Punkin Pie and a Pickle

I'm off to bed... sleep is a valuable asset in pregnancy... and with twins, more so than I ever knew previously!

Hugs, love, and best wishes to you and yours in the comming year, and many more to follow!

Back again...

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas Holiday and that those celebrating the Festival of Lights are enjoying their time with family. We had a REALLY mellow, nice Christmas. I baked home-made rolls (I love kneeding bread, its very therapeutic) and ham, greenbeans and salad... a rather healthy dinner if I do say so myself... I had Mart1nellis sparkling cider with the kids and made a full on caviar service for an appetizer for my hubby... he LOVED it (that was the bulk of his Christmas gift... he wanted food and food related gifts and while he was expecting Doritos... he should have known better!)

Our anniversary is tomorrow... I already gave him his gifts for that too... (he's a bit of a pocket-knife enthusiast, so I found him a couple of very unique/interesting knives) and he was thrilled.

Life in my little corner of the world is good. I am still gaining weight, the belly is growing and I'm becomming more aware every day of the beings within. They can push and kick pretty hard now, tho still not really detectable from the outside... except when one pushes out with a head or bum and you can feel the hard lump just under my skin.

I have updated belly pictures here... everything from week 10 on... I'm really developing a pregnant belly now, there is no mistaking it. We are 20 weeks today, and I've gained about 23lbs from the start of the pregnancy. I am pretty pleased with that as studies have shown that its important to gain weight EARLY with twin pregnancies to ensure good birthweights for the babies (even if they're early).

I am not walking every day, but 3+ times a week is average. I can't seem to motivate myself to continue lifting anything other than laundry, dishes and my own kids (heh... not even them anymore!)... so I know my muscle is diminishing *sigh*. I do walk 5-10 flights of stairs every day as I walk around the office tho, so that helps. Honestly tho... its not like I don't know how to get it back, hehehe... you're gonna see some intensity out of me post-pregnancy that you haven't seen since the early days of Lexysmash... prepare for it... ;)

As for the domain and blog and such moving, it looks like I will probably be able to stay put... I just need to get some revenue going for my host by pimping his server to other blog-owners who would be willing to pay a small fee for fairly unlimited services. Its a Linux based server tho, so if you only know winders, it won't be of much use to ya.

Ok... I'd better get some work done before they fire my ass.
hugs and kisses and here's some motivation for ya:

The most common new years resolution in the US is to "get in shape, eat right, and exercise" or some variation of that... and 90% of those who "resolve" in the new year, have stopped trying by March.

Don't give yourself a new years resolution... give yourself a new year goal... and then figure out what small changes you can make... one each month, or each week... to get you there by this time next year. Adapt, Improvise, Overcome!

*kisses*

Need new digs...

So my wonderful fabulous amazing (free) host is taking down his server... which means I need to find a new place for lexysmash and all of its related stuff (gallery, etc) to live.

I've been SPOILED by having a friend host my site and he's done anything I've asked and given me unlimited bandwidth and disk space which is just unheard of. And I totally don't blame him for it, I just need to find a new solution.

So... if anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear about them!! I don't think I pull a lot of bandwidth each month, but I do have a LOT of pictures and such, plus 3 years of journal archives... so like I said, if you have any ideas for a new home for lexysmash... let me know!

Hoo Boy...

Ok... just gonna say it.

Its the holidays chickens (a favorite term of endearment to me). And I aint got time to compose lovely journal entries. So you will please forgive me as I disapear for the next couple of weeks into the joyous wonderment that is the holiday season.

I will bake, I will cook (even ham), I will decorate and entertain. I will shop (tho I'm mostly done now) and I WILL come up with another kick-ass anniversary present for my hubby, because despite it being 3 days after Christmas, our anniversary is more important to me than the big holiday and I want him to know HOW important it is, every single year.

Eat, drink, walk, play, take pictures, enjoy your family (if you can) and appreciate the days you have had on this earth and the days that are left to come.

Happy Holidays to all of my myriad friends!

Whoops... There went Weds and Thurs...

Sometimes a girl just can't win.

Wednesday's workout was great - light legs and 30+ minute walk at about 3.5mph, some incline, some flat line.

Thursday - docs appts. all morning left me drained, so I took a nap and then went for a short walk in the evening.

Today - didn't sleep well last night, thus forgot the gym-bag, so its another walkin' only day for me.

Weekend plans - ACK!!! Its like 9 days until Christmas... are you freakin' KIDDING ME??? ACK!!!

Feeling Groovy...

Saw a Nutritionist last week who specializes in pregnancy and diabetes care. She was a lot of fun to talk to and was quite impressed at my food-log. She praised my choice to eat only organic produce and meats/dairy when possible... and she got a kick out of my stories about my kids snacking habits (Yesterday Val wanted a Banana, and apple and grapes for his after school snack). She has asked me to add a Calcium/Magnesium supplement daily (which is really a good idea for any pregnany woman as it helps keep mineral salts ballanced and muscles relaxed) as well as a small iron supplement "just in case" with a vitamin C chaser for absorbtion... but I don't like the black-tar of doom that tends to create in my colon so I'm gonna stick with my prenatal, which has 28mg of iron anyway, for now.

I'm really enjoying late afternoon walks with the boys these days. Its been cold and dry the last few days and getting outside is invigorating... I know, intellectually, that I should be lifting more consistantly as well, but my fears over this pregnancy are puting a damper on my enthusiasm. Nutritionist reminded me that I can do upper body lifts while sitting in a chair, and she's right... I can and I should. My arms, neck, shoulders and upper back really could use the work... so I am determined to give it a go this week. Tonight is armchair-lifting experiment number one.

I'll let you know tomorrow how it goes! ;)

Today is the day!

Today is the ultrasound during which we could potentially learn the sexes of the babies!

Can you say "giddy with anticipation?"

I knew you could!

I have heard that males are more prevalent in IVF and also that females are more prevalent in IVF but I think what it works out to is that the odds don't really change:

25% of twins will be Boy/Boy
50% of twins will be Boy/Girl
25% of twins will be Girl/Girl.

Now the safe money is on Boy/Girl of course... and my intuition from the beginning has been that AT LEAST one of the babies is a girl... so unless you're betting against my intuition I'd go with Boy/Girl or Girl/Girl if I were you. (better payouts on girl/girl tho). If we get in there and I am COMPLETELY wrong... you will hear about it asap because the shocked shouting will be deafening!

SO! Wish us luck, and send "cooperative babies" vibes my way! I'll update as soon as I can!

Good to be Home

I'm glad to be home. Thanksgiving with the inlaws was good, tho exhausting. The boys traveled REALLY well which made me SO happy, but the trips were still long and arduous and I'm glad we don't do it more often. I insisted on brining the turkey for dinner, and everyone was impressed with the difference it made in the flavor and juicyness of the meat (yay!). Otherwise I kicked my feet up mostly and just ate, watched TV and kicked back with the hubby. We got out and had a lot of alone time together too which was really fabulous. I appreciate that time so much with our schedules being so completely screwed in the real world.

The pregnancy is still going well, the babies are growing and I am feeling flutters pretty consistantly now in the evenings. I'll be 16 weeks on Wednesday and as early as tomorrow we could find out the sexes. I'm still not being as active as I'd like... but every day is a new day, and there is no reason not to get my activity in today.

According to the scale this morning I am up 15lbs for the pregnancy... so I've officially caught up on weight gain. I think I need to pay more attention to what I'm eating so I'm doing a simple food log this week to see how its going.

Its gonna be a busy week - Christmas pix for the kids, two doc appts (tues/fri), financial adivsor appt (wed), gotta get the annual holiday cards/photos sent out by this weekend I think... is it January yet? Wish me luck!

Over the river and thru the woods...

to grandmother's house we go.

Wisconsin that is... dairy cows, packer fans... should be an interesting week.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday everyone!!!

dude... this pregnancy thing...

is teh biggity bomb.

I'm so old.

So I went for a fabulous 2.5 mile aerobic walk yesterday before lunch. It was a sunny, crisp, beautiful fall day and I just couldn't sit inside at my desk any longer. My HR was up for the entire walk and I felt fabulous. I'm gonna do it again today too!!! Aren't y'all proud of me? The weights have been lagging to the wayside, mostly due to lack of motivation, but the weight is piling on (as it is supposed to do with a twin pregnancy) and of course that makes me paranoid for my eventual fitness.

Not that it should, but it does... cause I'm a girl and I'm irrational like that. Irrationality is one of my strong points right now, actually... from there I spiral downward into moody, brooding, emotionally fragile and chaotic. I'm hoping the walking will help with the rest of that stuff too. ;)

We leave on Sunday morning for Wisconsin to visit the inlaws for the holidays. We'll be gone the whole week (YAY!) and somehow I'll have to figure out how to get my butt back to work when we return, but I'm certain a bill will come while we're gone that shocks me back into the reality that is earning a living. Ah well.

As for the parasites, they're doing well, the books say they're about 3 inches long crown to rump and each weighs around 1-2 ounces. The next four weeks should mark some incredible growth in them and in me, so we'll see. I am 14 weeks now... in 6 weeks I'll be half way done! CRAZY!!! And in two weeks we'll get to try to find out the genders. My money is on one of each (cause I'd be right about 50% of the time) but I'm definitely convinced that there is at least one girl, so if its two boys I'll be shocked!

Hope all are well and happy!

Massage...

I truly truly believe that massage is one of the most beneficial health-maintenance therapies readily available today. Other than proper diet and exercise, massage is probably my favorite recommendation to friends trying to get healthy and fit. Massage by a well educated and licensed MT can release tension, relieve muscle and joint soreness, gently move your body into better alignment, move fluid and toxins from interstitial spaces (between the cells) in your tissues and back into the blood stream where it can be processed and eliminated by the kidneys and liver.

Plus it feels fantastic.

Sometimes I save my lunch money (tho less so now cause MAN am I hungry all the friggin time these days) for a week and get a massage on Friday. It starts the weekend off right and REALLY helps me let go of the prior weeks stress.

When I had migraines thru college one of the only things that seemed to really help keep them at bay was regular massage (stress is a nasty thing, my friends). I couldn't afford it often, but there were a few students in the area who would let me be a practice dummy for them every now and then.

I still wish I could justify massage more often... and I probably will later on in this pregnancy... but for now, I take it where I can get it, and tell everyone I know to do the same!

Its been a GOOD week, other than the yeast infection that cropped up due to the antibiotics last week... but I had expected it, so I didn't suffer long. Eating is fun, water is on track for the week and energy is slowly ramping back up to more normal levels...

must be nearing the second trimester eh?

Ok... I'm gonna beg...

This is shameless begging... so feel free to skip.

I've had a very small link to an iPod Referral site on my left column for a while now... and while a LOT of folks have "signed up" only one has completed an offer (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!).

Here's the thing... I have an iPod Mini and I love it... but my husband keeps stealing it and its making me insane. I love him dearly and I'd love to get him his own iPod, but as is so common in this country these days the spare cash just isn't there, (we're sellin my car... so yeah... there's that) and we agreed to spend what we have on the kid's Christmas...

SO... if you haven't done one of these things before... and you don't mind signing up... I'd really appreciate any sign ups y'all are willing to give me so I can get my sweetie an iPod for Christmas.

I love y'all, and I hate to do stuff like this, but damnit if he isn't just the best husband I've got... ;) and I know he'd be just stoked.

Ok... enough of that!

Fitness update - I get to exercise again today as there has been no further bleeding for a week so I am STOKED to get my workout on this afternoon!

Hang tight everyone... this fitness girl WILL have a fit pregnancy... its inevitable!!!

Pictures!!!

My Ninja and my Batman are HERE.

The rest of my weekend was very productive if uneventful. No further blood after Saturday, cleaned out about half of my clothes and sent them off to Good Will... made a cake, watched football, ate good food... it was a good weekend. I even got to go maternity clothes shopping with one of the babies parents and a friend AND they rented a dopler so we can listen to heart-tones when ever we want.

This Saturday my house will fill with people who are somehow involved with surrogate parenting. There will be infertile couples who are hoping to start their families with the help of a surrogate... there will be surrogate moms who have helped families and those still waiting to find the right people to help. Its blown my mind the sheer number of people who have had infertility issues so severe that their options for creating families have been narrowed to surrogacy or adoption and sometimes even adoption is removed due to age or other issues.

I'm excited to meet all of these people and to see how their lives have been impacted by their family building choices.

Howdy Folks...

Life is chugging away over here. Workouts are on hold (again) due to a small bleed that happened yesterday. Ultrasound revealed two happy babies and a small "sub-chorionic hemorage" behind the placenta of Twin A. Its pretty common I guess, and the Dr. said that based on its size its not somthing to worry about, but to take it easy for a week. So that's what I'm doing.

I've gained 3 more lbs for a grand total of 6.5 for the pregnancy. We're 12w 2d today, and I'm feeling really good - FINALLY!!!

Kids had a FUN Haloween and I'll get some pictures up soon I promise... they went trick-or-treating TWICE (not to the same houses) and got way too much candy... so tonight I'm letting them have a candy-fest (eat as much as they like) and after that the rest goes away (ie... Daddy's takin it to work for his co-workers to eat). I'm not anti-candy... but I think they just got WAY more than necessary this year and I'm happy to have it disapear so I don't end up eating a bunch of it too.

Hope everyone is having a GOOD solid start to their holidays. Its so fun to be in weight-gain mode rather than weight-loss mode for the holidays I can't even tell you. Honestly, I almost feel guilty, but I know the kiddos need the expansion and I think I've mentioned before that I'm actually really excited about getting to do a post-pregnancy transformation again, so I'm really enjoying being active and yet eating to gain... its a dichotomy I've not encountered before, and its really kinda fun!

Monday Again

HOORAY FOR THE END OF THE SINUS INFECTION!!!

Last week was pretty miserable on the health front. A cold turned into a sinus infection that got so bad I felt like my teeth were going to fall out of my jaw from the pain and pressure. Zithromax was prescribed, and unfortunately that caused the requisite intestinal upset... but with a couple of days of probiotics on board I'm feeling MUCH MUCH better.

So good, in fact, that I actually WOKE UP with my alarm this morning (insane, I know). So hopping back on the exercise train this week with a 3 day schedule - tues, wed, fri. Thursday is a big day with another ultrasound of the bebes and my first admissions interview at Birthingway College of Midwifery.

I still need to find SOMTHING to wear.

;)

Belly Pic

Ok... I will admit that this makes it look like I don't have much of a belly, but its THERE!!! I swear by the fact that none of my size 12s will button anymore!!!

There you have it - 10weeks and 6days pregnant with twins... lets just watch it grow!

more noticeable by the day

it is becomming fairly obvious that I am pregnant... that or I'm just gaining a LOT of weight in my belly. My lower belly is hard and firm and there is definitely some flab developing above the uterus and on the sides (joy...). I spent Friday/Saturday and most of Sunday on the couch because of this damned head-cold. I was WASTED tired, my whole body ached, and my widdle nose is still red and raw even tho my hubby bought me two jumbo boxes of puffs pluss with lotion... which are my favorite tissues of all time, bar none. Massive ammounts of OJ were consumed but food was sketchy. I have very little appetite when I'm sick so I just tried to snack all day long.

According to all of the Twin Pregnancy books I've been reading I am supposed to be getting upwards of 3000 calories per day. Have I mentioned this already? Have I also mentioned how HARD it is to eat 3000 calories of nutritious whole-food per day... especially when your stomach is used to accomodating 1800 or so MAX? What is really cool is that this is such an amazing learning opportunity for me. I am getting to do research on a new topic and I'm loving it.

Exercise is light but going well. I only went in twice last week, but I'm confident I'll make it to 3 this week... and after a few weeks at 3 I'll bump it up to 4 which is probably where I'll stay for the remainder of the pregnancy.

I am healthy, I am happy... how about you??

exercise is good...

just the little bit of exercise I've gotten in this week has really been helping my energy levels... it is not a myth that exercise improves your energy... I'm walking talking living breathing proof!

Three weeks till our next peek at the little ones. I am not used to getting so many ultrasounds and in fact with my youngest son we had none. I'm trying to enjoy all of the extra attention this is bringing me... but honestly there are some bits I would be happy to do without.

I KNOW people are going to touch me... without my permission... and that bugs the CRAP out of me... since WHEN did women become public property when ever they have a protruding belly? (mine isn't protruding too far yet... but it will, oh yes it will). I know people are going to comment on how big I am at any given time and aren't I ready to pop yet, and all of that stuff, and since WHEN is it ok to tell a woman how BIG she is? Even if she's pregnant??? As IF!!!

Ok... I know its a little early to be ranting about this stuff, but today I hit 10 weeks and the embryos graduated to fetus status and I'm seriously just about to bust out the maternity clothing because there is NOTHING in my closet that will fit around my waist anymore and I'm already anticipating I suppose. I should knock it off and just revel in the fact that I have the vast privelage of nurturing two new human beings into existance over the next few months.

Yes... that is what I'll do.

Forget the hormone riddled ranting above. I am a good and happy person... really I am!

;)

PROMISE!!

whoah...

monday already??? and its been a WEEK since I posted??? What the heck?

Ok... life right now consists of eating, sleeping and working... today I will do my first "workout" in about 8 weeks. The speed at which a body deconditions is astounding and suckey. Its so much harder to start slow when you know where you were... when you know what shape you SHOULD be in.

The doc gave me licesnse to exercise moderately until my body tells me to stop. He doesn't want me running, jumping on any trampolines or playing competative/contact sports.

So the plan this week is 3 days... light full body weights and 10-20 minutes on the TM or eliptical depending on how my heartrate holds up. Shouldn't be too tough, I suppose.

I am supposed to try to gain 5lbs by my next appointment on November 3rd, and I am trying to eat more... but I don't want to eat a bunch of crap that is void of nutrition either... so I'm eating more frequently, and adding protein anywhere I can. Eating for three is a very difficult venture. Luckily the nausea seems to have gone for good and I am only having to deal with food aversions at this point. Time for my mid-morning cereal and protein shake!

I keep apologizing...

for not writing more... and the truth is that I WANT to post more, I really do. I have all these things going thru my head (not to mention my body) and I'm reading more and more about twin pregnancies and I'm finally seeing the perinatologist for the first time this week so I can get some guidance on how much I should be exercising, but the truth of the matter is... I am beat. exhausted. the fatigue is monumental.

I knew that I would be tired going into this pregnancy... I had no doubt that I would be tired... but this is beyond anything I have ever experienced and THEN I read a book that tells me I should be getting 2 30 minute naps each day and I have to stop and thing... when the HELL am I supposed to work 2 30 minute naps into each day??? Insanity I tells ya!

So I walk during lunch at work (don't worry... I'm still eating... pretty much constantly in order to keep the queasyness at bay), and that's about it. Getting up early to exercise? HA! Evening workouts? No freakin way, my friends. I have gained 4lbs since the beginning of this adventure, and according to all of the literature I'm already 5lbs behind (don't worry, I'm CERTAIN I'll catch up). But what I am enjoying is just the fact of all of this.

I am pregnant again when I thought I would never get to experience pregnancy and birth again. I am getting the very unique pleasure of carrying a multiple pregnancy and that's not somthing I would ever have gotten the experience of under "normal" circumstances... AND... overall, it really isn't that bad. Fatigue, yes... nausea... some... but seriously kids... This is pretty freakin cool.

In less than 10 days all of the major development of the babies will be completed even tho they're less than an inch long... and from that point forward it will be growth and maturing the structures that are already there.

Its insane, and its wonderful, and I am loving it (even the crappy parts!)

Good Eating Habits Start Early

I think that it's important for me to instill good eating habits in my kids at an early age. I'm lucky in that my kids will pick string cheese and an apple over goldfish crackers for a snack... they will eat green stuff without threat of punishment (and often ASK for salad with dinner) and they think white-bread is weird!

I also know, tho, that some of their eating habits are not just luck... some of their eating habits are due to our families efforts to make good food fun... for example:

Nate's Snack Today!

Cut up fruit... put it on a stick... INSTANT ENTERTAINMENT... and he ate the whole thing too!!! There's grapes, apple, pear, and pineapple on that skewer. My husband helped him create his masterpiece and sent me the picture this morning. He paired that with some cheese and talk about healthy!!! :)

I remember one of my favorite things to eat was the "Saturday" they'd talk about during Saturday Morning Cartoons... it was a little cartoon bit like the "don't drown your food" and "call me yuck-mouth" ones... A saturday was a ring of pineapple, with a half a banana sticking out of it, cottage cheese or yogurt around the base and a grape on top.

My sisters and I would gobble those things UP! I think that is probably what started my healthy appreciation of all things cottage cheese! ;)

I'm glad I can make healthy food fun for my kids... we do have treats and junk around the house, but its so gratifying to see them choosing the healthier options on their own... feels like a job well done.

interferance

Uhmm... so no exercise has happened this week. It seems there are some aspects of a twin pregnancy that I was not prepared to deal with. These include body-numbing fatigue and overwhelming nausea.

Now, granted I did remember the fatigue of my singleton pregnancies and I knew it would be tough to deal with again, but I SO was not prepared for this... in the last week I have gone to sleeping the sleep of the dead for 10-11 hours every night and STILL feeling like I need a 2-3 hour nap every afternoon.

But the nausea... the nausea is a new one on me. Walking around in a constant state of fugue... wondering if I will be able to swallow the next thing I try to eat, or if some random smell will put me over the edge and make the spewage come forth from within.

I thought I could tough it out.

I was

so

very

wrong.

I called the doctor today... I hate resorting to pharms when there are other beings to consider... but I can't eat... and I'm losing weight... and they need nutrients... so zofran it is. Hopefully I'll be feeling a bit more normal soon.

Two

Two sacks.

Two babies.

Two heartbeats.

I guess it makes sense that I've been exhausted and hungry all the time.

;)

man!

I am getting REALLY bad about followup on this thing, aren't I?

Sorry about that, folks... I will try to be more present over the next few months. I think I got overwhelmed (ya think?) with school starting, baby/ies news, suddenly needing a new doctor (I so shoulda planned that one better), putting Nate in pre-school for the first time (he LOVES it), etc. and everything just fell to the wayside.

I promised y'all a PREGNANCY FITNESS PLAN, and here you have it:

I will not be changing my nutrition guidelines much, mostly because I already eat very well, and continuing that trend in pregnancy is really the best idea overall. I will, however, be allowing myself a few more treats here and there if I REALLY want 'em, and will be focusing on protein intake of 100g/day MINIMUM... if it turns out to be twins, that will jump up to closer to 125g/day MINIMUM. The emphasis on minimum is because protein is the absolute most valuable nutrient necessary during the building of a baby... check out this website if you have questions, or want more details: The Brewer Diet for Pregnancy

As for exercise:

I will not run much. Now I didn't say at all... because I reserve the right to jog as I see fit... but I know my knees, and I know that when I am pregnant they get loose, and the last thing I need is a knee injury... so for cardio I will be "race-walking" on the streets and Treadmill(as the rains set in) and using the Precor Cross-Trainer. My weight lifting will continue as is, using relatively low weights and relatively high reps to continue to build the "marathon" stamina I will need for labor and birth.

Details are Thusly:

Sunday - Arms/Shoulders (possible walk)
Monday - Rest (cause I'm not fooling ANYONE here)
Tuesday - Legs and Precor
Wednesday - Long Cardio (walking or precor)
Thursday - Chest/Back (precor)
Friday - Rest (again, gonna need it)
Saturday - walk or bike with the kids

As my workouts progress (and I have the inevitable weight gain) I will post updates... and I may even take... the requisite belly pictures!!! (didn't promise to post 'em tho!)

This is an exciting time for me, and I hope that if you have questions or are curious at all, you will feel free to ask me ANYTHING!!! I'll do my best to respond in a timely manner!

;)

Its time once again to share the love

Necca is done with the book I sent to her a couple of months ago and is ready to pass it on to the next reader who is willing to do the same (ie. read it and then pass it on to another reader). Go drop her an email if you want the book: "Passing for Thin" by Francis Kuffel. It is a wonderful book and is definitely worth the read, but please only email her if you are willing to continue the forward path of the book.

Kisses!!!

I'm learning what I can and can't do...

I realized after purchasing my "Crying Tiger Beef" for lunch that my body has decided that beef is the devil and that I am not allowed to swallow it despite having chewed it and enjoyed the flavor. Luckily I discovered that if I added some rice to the bite the beef would go down.

Welcome food-aversions! So glad you could stop by. I have already had what I would call "cravings" with this pregnancy... Last Tuesday I wanted Indian food (Lamb Saag and Chicken Vindaloo) so badly that I couldn't stop thinking about it until the next evening when I went out for Indian and had exactly that for dinner (it was devine!).

Its not surprising that I will have some food aversions. Beef did it to me with both of my own pregnancies, so I expect this one to be no different. The only problem will come if I get turned off of all meat. I need protein. In fact (aside from folic acid) the most important nutrient in a pregnant woman's diet is protein. Protein is ncessary for the synthesis of every tissue in the babies body, and since it isn't chewin' on it's own steak, it's up to the mom's blood-stream to provide adequate protein during the pregnancy.

Protein is also necessary to support the function of the liver and kidneys as they work ever harder to eliminate not only her but also her babies waste products. Luckily I still have cottage-cheese, chicken and fish to fall back on... YUM!!!

Excercise is going moderately well. Did some non-specific cardio on Saturday and then the Race for the Cure on Sunday, which I participated in for the 6th year in a row... I'm pretty proud of that. It was a record turn out of over 45 Thousand runners and walkers. When we finished the walk (we were near the start) there were still people waiting to cross the start-line.

No morning sickness or anything of that nature... just the continuing fatigue... 1 week till ultrasound!!!

fatigue

So the fatigue of early pregnancy has kicked in. All I want to do is NAP! I've gotten two solid workouts in this week (shoulders and legs) and I'll be walking the race for the cure tomorrow, so its not a total loss... it just seems so much easier to fall onto the couch in the afternoon and hit the snooze button in the morning than it ever was before.

Must find my rhythm... must find my routine... losing focus now would be a very bad thing.

Life is going well other than the fatigue. I just finished a kick-off and requirements discovery meeting for a $3.5million project at work. Its a pretty big deal and I'm the sole project manager so I need to kick it's ass.

The meeting (all week long) was successful tho, so I have confidence and high hopes.

weight is steady in the 169 range... wonder how much I'll gain in the next 8-9 months... especially if its twins. ;)

shoulder day.

So... one of the things I've found weight lifting to be good for is working out negative energy and feelings... to that end I distroyed my shoulders this morning.

I was 4 shades of pissed last night and when I got up I knew little Miss Debbie just wasn't gonna cut it... so out came the 8lb dbs and I went to work.

Standing presses till I couldn't (that's called failure friends... and it BURNS)
Lateral raises till I couldn't (ditto)
Front raises till I couldn't
Bent-over rear-raises (think a fly - but opposite) till I couldn't.

It worked out a lot of negative energy... but man am I going to regret it tomorrow... maybe I'll be in a better mood for legs.

;)

So an update!

I can exercise again (YAY) and my weight has been holding steady thru this cycle, so I guess I should update.

Yes, indeedie, the rabbit has died; I'm up the duff... but just a quick reminder: my oven + someone elses bun(s). IVF is a challenging thing to go thru. I can not IMAGINE doing it over and over and over only to be faced with repeated failures.

I am lucky - the parents of this baby (or these babies) are lucky. It worked this time and I am right well and fully pregnant.

Welcome to a change of fitness focus!!

I could potentially be eating and exercising for up to 2 extra creatures at this point. I have done extensive resarch into pregnancy fitness and have concluded (with the advice of my physician team) that I should stick with what is working for me now (minus birkam) and adjust as my girth and ballance dictate.

One nice thing about being relatively fit before you get pregnant is the fact that you will most likely have less problem remaining fit as the pregnancy progresses. You're already in good eating habits, you're already moving... just keep it up.

I'll keep ya posted as things progress, but for now... I'm gonna go for a bike ride!

its everywhere.

Like Renee, I wasn't going to write about this... but driving into work this morning I heard the commentary of a man who got his family out of NO before the storm hit... his parents wouldn't leave... and the only negative thing he said was that if he could go back right now he'd hurt the looters and hurt them bad, and all I could think was... what if those are your parents? What if they're desperate for food and water and have no choice? I mean... I know that there is a lot of completely fucked up looting of shit that no one really needs for survival and that pisses me right the fuck off.

But come on... there are people down there who haven't had fresh water in DAYS! Food? Don't think so.

So yeah... hurt the selfish assholes who beat up the ambulance crew and looted the god-damned ambulance. hurt the morons who think that big screen TV is going to do them any good without POWER... hurt the complete fuck-wads SHOOTING AT THE EVACUATION HELECOPTERS!!! But don't just arbitrarily say "hurt the looters." because fuck... I'm not there... you're not there... the money I donate is probably fattening the paycheck of some "charitable organization's" CEO's sallary more than it's actually helping the people down there who are completely helpless.

But it's all I've got.

THIS is what our National Guard was built for. THIS is what they are trained to do... not fight a war halfway around the world... they're here to GUARD OUR NATION and it's people. I could stand here in righteous indignation about the fact that bushy siphoned money from fortifying the levees in NO to pay for his war. I could bitch about the lack of domestic troop support because we're spread all over the world policing every-body else... but the truth of the matter is that won't save a single person trapped in their attic or on their roof as the water rises and the heat-index climbs.

Yeah... be pissed. I am pissed. But also be real... do what you can, because this is our Tsunami.

Baby's back

My son is back from Alaska and he seems older than when I let him get on that plane 2 weeks ago... mom says he ate like a horse... that he was in constant "feed me" mode. He caught a 14lb Salmon or three... and learned to fillet, cure, smoke and can 'em and brought home a case of canned smoked salmon. Gotta love the kid. He's growing up so fast.

School starts in a little over a week. Cultivating a child is so much harder than a garden... with a garden you can start over each year... if you made mistakes you can till the soil and correct them with compost and minerals... tho, if you listen to ol' T0mmy Cru1se all a kid with ADHD needs is vitamins... idiot.

So this weekend is "back to school" shopping. Clothes, supplies, lunch goodies... *sigh* I hope I'm doing all of this right... this mom stuff, tho I suppose my self doubt is fairly normal. I just hope he grows into a strong, confident, kind and caring man.

I'll do my best.

Gardening

I am, for the first time in many years, eating food I have grown myself. I have tomatos and pole-beans so far... I will have carrots, leeks and celery later on. But right now I am scarfing down a big bowl of greenbeans that I grew myself, picked this afternoon and immediately cooked. (cut into 2" pieces, steam for 5-6 minutes, sautee some sesamie seeds in olive oil till golden, add the beans, toss with salt and pepper, serve)

I am feeling very proud.

I have loved growing vegitables since I was a child. My grandmother always had a big veggie garden and she was fabulous about jarring things up for the winter. We always had beans, pears, peaches, bing cherries (my favorites), corn, pearl onions, tomatos, applesauce, jams, preserves and many other delicacies that we'd only get at Grandma's house. One of my jobs was to catch garter snakes to relase into her veggie garden to eat the mice that would try to feast on our veggies... I loved my job, hunting along the edges of the barn for snakes sunning themselves on the piles of scrap wood laying there... and I coveted my grandma's garden.

I wanted to grow corn taller than I was... and pull carrots out of the earth, brush them off on my pants, and eat them right there. Everything in Grandma's garden was organic... half burried bottles of beer served as slug and snail traps... snakes took care of the rodents, and she'd take me out to help her pick caterpillars in the mornings and evenings.

And everything tasted so very very good.

I finally have a garden of my own... I had small ones as a child, growing sweet-peas and carrots in the long Alaska summer daylight hours... and I had a garden that was mostly my boyfriend's when I was living with him the last year of college... but now, I have my own.

Its small by most standards, but the soil is good, and ammended with compost, and its flourishing... and I love it. I tend it about every other evening (its automatically watered with our sprinkler system), pulling little weeds, checking for ripe produce to pick... cultivating the soil to bring in more oxygen. I am proud of my garden, but most of all... I am sustained by my garden.

I know, thru inherited knowledge from my grandmother, and my mother, how to tend a garden. One of my earliest memories consists of me sitting in our families first home in Seattle digging in the black dirt of my own mothers garden beds... I don't think I could walk yet. I see the garden, and my mother bent over another bed digging, and my older sister in the yard behind playing. It's just a moment in time, but it is perfectly clear, and its in the garden. I may not know the specific PH a plant likes, or when precisely to plant it in my climate... but I know that veggies like GOOD SOIL, and I do my best to keep them happy.

I love my garden... I love everything it does for me... I am proud that I can feed my family good food that I grew with my own hands... from my own land.

I'd recommend it to anyone.

Now... I've got about 10lbs of tomatos... any one want some???

Don't Worry, Olivia is Safe!!

Well now that I've shared my surprise with you I'll give everyone a little background. Before the 2001 Audi TT Turbo (which you see pictured below), our family vehicles consisted of Olivia our Mini Cooper S, a Toyota Tundra V-8 gas-hog who never really earned a name, a 2001 Aprilia Mille motorcycle and a 2002 Aprilia R50 Scooter.

Olivia is still safe and sound in the garage.

We have been talking about getting rid of the truck for a while and getting a fun convertable of some sort to enjoy. The Audi TT has been my favorite 2-seat convertable since it first came out. I've mentioned them as an option several times but after discussing it we agreed that a 2 seater probably wasn't the most practical solution with 2 kids.

So we moved on to look at other things... 1998 BMW M3 convertables were on the list... as well as several 4-seat domestic convertables, but after going to see yet another over-priced BMW that wasn't worth what the seller wanted and wasn't willing to negotiate on, Mike was getting a bit frustrated.

Before I go much further we have a wonderful friend, D who recently got divorced and had a TT that he rarely drove (18k miles on a 2001 isn't very many) and while he and Mike were hanging out he offered it... at a very good price to Mike. D knows how I love the TT, but he also knew that we'd been looking for a 4-seater, so he hadn't mentioned it before. Mike doesn't like to buy vehicles from friends, but he knew the history, knew its value, knew I would flip my freaking lid over it, and he really wanted to get somthing that he knew I'd enjoy driving... and so he bought it.

Thursday night he brought it home and brought me out to the garage as he opened the door to reveal the car... I've been smiling ever since, and I already have seat-belt tan-lines. ;) (SPF 50 BABY!)

Its COMPLETELY impractical, but I don't care. YES we have probably the smallest "family car" on the market, and it works for us.

Olivia is our family car now, the Tundra is on the market, and I'm getting up at 5:15 to work out every morning so I can be a hot-mama in my Rock-Star car.

Stats: Metalic Black Audi TT Quatro Convertable (turbo) - 2001, 18k miles, leather interior, power everything... and its freakishly fast... I have to be VERY VERY careful with the turbo... it could get away from me if I don't watch it.

Wanna go for a Ride??

Don't know what I did to deserve it, but hubby brought this home for me on Thursday night.

100% impractical. (oh well!)

100% fun.

Holy Crap

Ok... GOOD ON YA, N1KE!!!

I may work for the competator... the one who just bough up R3bok... but These ads ROCK:

My Butt is Big

I Have Thunder Thighs

My Legs

My Knees

There is POWER in the above linked ads... there is empowerment, freedom, reality, truth.

I have a Big Butt... I have Thunder Thighs... My legs carry me and my knees carry my history in scars...

What do YOU think???

so...

guess who was at work until midnight last night?

you get three guesses and the first two don't count.

I got to work at 7am... I left at Midnight... that works out to one VERY LONG (15 hours!!!) work day, and one VERY TIRED me.

Luckily I got to sleep in... came into work at lunch time.

I'm doing well today, feeling more positive and hopefull again. I'll lay out the exercise plans for the next few weeks tomorrow. Its been quite a summer... quite a week...

cheers!

exhale

today was tough.

death is a very hard thing to process. death of the young is even harder.

but why? why is it so hard?

L wasn't affraid of death... she worried about those of us left behind. J said that she was the brightest star he'd ever seen and that the world was left dim without her.

There's a lot about her that I aspire to be in my own life. Kind, compasionate, honest, true... values most all of us aspire to. They spoke today of her grace... and grace in all things is probably one of the greatest things to aspire to have, and to be.

I am deeply, deeply sad.

the processing will continue until it is done.

and right now... for now, I feel that I am redundant, so I will stop here.

good night L. Thank you for being.

So you wanna lose weight?

Here's the only formula for weight loss endorsed by lexysmash:
eat right + exercise. That it... that's the only one!

However... if you want a quick drop of 5-7lbs in ONE DAY* there are other methods... take for example what I've been doing the last 24 hours.

There is nothing left in my intestinal tract. Vomiting and diareah took care of that... inability to consume anything without it comming right back up added dehydration to the mix. I finally was able to keep some ice chips and gatorade down around 8pm yesterday before I crashed for a fitful night of sleep.

I'm feeling much better today, but its very small bland meals and LOTS of fluids for the next couple of days... I'll keep ya posted. I'm assuming at this point that the issue was viral as my son had a similar illness earlier this week and I tend to get anything he does, so it was only a matter of time. Rest is also on the agenda as an electrolyte depleated system is not prime for exercise.

I will admit tho, that seeing a drop of 6lbs in 24 hours is a very wild experience... but I still don't think the loss was worth what my body has been thru in the last 24 hours to get it. UGH!

*Lexysmash does not indorse any weight loss plan that does not involve proper diet and exercise... please do NOT attempt this at home.

*sigh*

my first born is in Alaska with my parents for the next two weeks. I don't have a lot to say about that, other than I miss him already and the little shit had the gall to be completely cool about getting on an airplane WITHOUT mommy and flying nonchalantly all the way to Alaska with my baby sister!!! Brat!!! I, however, am proud that I was able to wave and smile and not completely loose my shit until I got all the way into the car and closed the door. (I am such a mama). Prodigal son is picking raspberries with his cousins in my mom's backyard, and getting ready to go fishing for salmon with my pops.

I am doing well on the health front... exercising, eating, etc... just not all that inspired to write about it at the moment. Sorry Y'all! I'm hoping that in a month or so I'll be able to put some focus into my workouts and my goals and come back with some really interesting things to say.

For now I'm preping my psyche for L's memorial on Tuesday... and just going thru the motions.

I know its hard to know what to say... but I do want to acknowlege that the comments and emails I've gotten have been really wonderful and I appreciate them more than I can say. Thank you all.

so I think I should update, or somthing...

August is, by my standards, a very very very very very busy month. July sorta kick starts it with my hubby's b-day and then my first-son's b-day and then we jump straight into August 1 with my b-day, and from there everything goes down-hill.

This year August will be made even more intense by the following things:

1. death and all that entails for those of us on the outside.
2. visits from inlaws, sisters, and my mom.
3. trips away from home without mommy for both of my kids (one just ended, the other begins tomorrow).
4. back to school.
5. filling out a myriad of university applications.
6. an IVF cycle.
7. selling off much un-used household stuff including vehicles.
8. attempting to ammend child-support orders.
9. filling out the paperwork necessary to complete the above.
10. finding preschool options for youngest son.
11. realizing preschools are waitlisted by a YEAR.
12. beginning potential move planning.

So yeah... there you have it. August in a nutshell... and in case anyone was wondering... the potential destination for said potential household move is Wisconsin. Fox Valley/Green Bay area.

The Lady Sleeps

I don't know what you're going thru, my friend. She was everything... she was it. You did so well, you were so strong for her, and she took your strength and ran.

I am so deeply sad.

Every ounce of my heart is sending hopes for peace to you and to the rest of her family.

She will not ever be forgotten.

my apologies

for the lack of posts this week.

there are things of great import going on right now... and I've prioritized them over blogging.

I will return in due time... please send your thoughts, prayers, support, love, hugs, and peaceful vibes to Thunderslug and L.

epiphany

had a bit of an epiphany today.

I have ZERO trouble getting up and exercising on the weekends. Saturday and Sunday are two of my most activity filled days (generally) with house work, landscape maintenance, chasing after the boys, etc... considering them "days off" is really pretty rediculous. By the time Monday rolls around I am BEAT. Dead tired and I am supposed to just be starting my exercise week... boy I'm clueless sometimes.

So what I'm going to do for the next few weeks is RECOGNIZE my weekends for what they are - Activity days - and add some structured exercise to the morning mix. THEN, I will schedule Monday and Tuesday as planned rest days and all will be right with the world.

yes?

well, its worth a shot, eh?

feelin' more groovy.

Thanks for the birthday wishes and pick-me-ups, folks!

I'm feelin more positive now. Alissa took me out for sushi at Mio and they thoroughly embarassed me by singing over a candle in a bowl of green-tea ice cream (which was lovely). I came home to some lovely gifts (pepper spray - which I asked for... its a lone-female-runner/biker thing) a bracelet hand-made by my hubby, a new paper journal with some lovely things written in it etc.

Time slips by so quickly... so much I want to do with my life and yet it seems I keep not allowing it to just happen. I've completed 31 years of fairly successful life on this planet... not too shabby for fat chick with low self-esteem. ;)

Now for a beer and a movie.

sing me a song...

tell me a story

or a joke

Today is my birthday. I'm 31 years old... and I don't feel much like laughing.

landscaping

I have slowly but... well, just slowly been taking over the landscaping duties around our house (not that I need more to do, but I seem more motivated to get it done than anyone else, so I guess its my job now) since the Memorial Day Lanscaping Extravaganza that transformed our back yard from horrible to purty-near awesome. I mow our postage stamp front lawn with our PUSH MOWER (cause we're environmentally conscious like that) and I'm pretty much the only one willing to beat-down the back-40 (which isn't really forty, its more like .25) with the gas-powered weed-whaker (cause even tho we're environmentally conscious like that, the electric weed-whacker cries when we try to use it on the tall grass that thrives in the wetter area of the lower yard.) because I'm not affraid of spiders and bees that could be lurking.

So today was landscaping day. Mowed the lawn, cut back the blackberries that are constantly trying to come thru the fence, round-up'd the worst of the mess, weeded the beds, weeded my veggie garden, etc. It was fun. It was good, sweaty, active, hard work.

Debbie kicked my butt first thing in the morning, outside work all day, and I'm riding my darned bike to work tomorrow!

Now... if my damned period would just start and relieve some of this bloating, I'd feel almost human.

hope you had a great weekend. I did.

life with brian...

so with the summer cold ramping up to peak performance yesterday I did not bike into work. I'm really disapointed about that because it would have been my first full week of biking to work all three days. Its very difficult for me to accept the limitations of illness and injury. Illness and injury (and an IVF cycle) are what landed me 20lbs heavier than I was last summer and thus every time I feel somthing comming on, be it illness or injury my instinct is to push thru it as much as I can... This isn't necessarily a bad instinct... but it certainly doesn't serve to help me heal the way I probably should.

I was in a PISSY mood all day yesterday after I didn't ride. I was pissed at my cold, pissed at my "lazyness" for not getting up off of my ass and riding in anyway. Pissed that every time I start to get into a routine somthing throws me off. I was in a piss poor frame of mind and it showed.

Today I have pulled my head outta my ass.

I got up today and had my date with Debbie. I knew I still wasn't up for my 90 minute bikram class, so I slept in and got up and did RIU and SISixPack with our dear squat n@zi Debbie. Low impact, but a good workout and I am working very hard on convincing myself that one day lost is not a routine broken.

Shit happens.

Colds happen.

I'll dance with Debbie again tomorrow and ride on Monday/Wednesday/Friday next week. There is still a routine... there is always progress to be made.

Have a fabulous weekend!

Ode to a Summer Cold

There are so many ways to love you,
dear summer cold of mine.
the way you clog my nose and ears
and muddle up my mind.
The way your mucos coats my throat
and coughing can not clear it
the way you make my kids believe
that mommy can not hear $hit.
Yes summer cold you are so great
you swell my nodes and glands
And spread to all my family
despite my frequent wash of hands.
The way you choose the nicest week
of weather that we've seen
to infect my nose and throat and head
is really very keen.
But lo I must distroy you
oh summer cold of mine
with prejudice and malice
The pleasure is divine.
So take your walking papers
and shuffle toward the door
with vitamins and orange juice
your life, it is no more.

Today is a fat day

Today I feel fat. There are several reasons for this... PMS, constipation, bloating, etc... having eaten MUCH too much the last couple of days... birth control pills... etc. But the fact of the matter is that I've been hanging out at this crappy ass weight (20lbs higher than my lowest low) for WAY too long and it makes me feel fat.

Today my jeans are tight. They were fresh from the dryer, so it was expected... to some extent. But 3 hours later they're still tight. I don't want my jeans to be tight... they're gonna have PLENTY of excuses to be tight in a couple of months but right now it just serves to make me feel fat.

Today is a fat day.

I don't like days like today. Days like today can motivate or discourage, today... its discouraging. Days like today make the work look too hard... make the journey seem pointless, fruitless, unfinishable.

And yet yesterday I rode my bike 8 miles in 95 degree heat with a BLOODY FUCKING HEADWIND that wouldn't QUIT! Even the wind was hot hot HOT! The scale is not happy with me... I need to re-hydrate BADLY.

Today is a fat day, and I would rather be in bed.

the march of the meds has begun

So one of the side effects of the first IVF medication that I'm taking (Lupron... it shuts down my ovarian function) is blinding headaches. If you're prone to migraines... avoid this crap at all costs. Sometimes Excedrin Migraine helps... other times you just have to gut it out until it passes. Monday was my first lupron shot... no biggie, it goes into the belly fat with an insulin syringe, totally painless and I was fine afterward. Until about 30 minutes later when my head started pounding. *sigh*

So the second shot (yesterday) was no biggie again, and luckily there was no headache following, so hopefully it was a one-time thing.

I rode to work today! YAY! So I'm doing REALLY well on my 3 in 3 challenge so far. I had to CONVINCE my self to drag ass outta bed this morning tho, man my evil brain wanted to sleep in. But I didn't, and here I am.

I'm trying to figure out how to get more miles in on the bike each week as well. Even riding to/from work 3x/week is only 45 miles per week which just doesn't seem like all that much for cycling. So I'm going to see if I can work in a ride on Saturday or Sunday afternoon/evening the next couple of weeks and see how that goes.

Hope everyone is having a blast, enjoying their summer, and working every day toward their goals!

(count down to my birthday stands at 5 days)

HEY!!!

If you want to be next in line for the traveling copy of "From Chunk to Hunk" by Fred Anderson... check out Nicole's lottery!!

Hello Monday

as one of the regular duties of my current job I am on-call for one week rotating every 6 weeks. During that week if anything negative pops up on the network after regular business hours my cellphone is the first contact point. The last few weeks we've been having troubles with our backup server. This weekend was my on-call. I spent MOST of the weekend babysitting the backup server. The backup server controlls the tape-jukebox wherein lie the 30+ DLT tapes onto which all of the stored data on our 100+ file and email servers are copied. The tapes are then stored off-site for 30+ days after which they are recycled.

I got 4 hours of sleep last night due to that fucking tape server losing its mind repeatedly. Bastard. I also got NOTHING done save my yoga class Saturday morning. I ate for crap because I was not motivated to cook/prep food for myself and made the choice to just grab whatever was convenient. Luckily there were some veggies/fruits in the house, but those disapeared quickly and I dove headlong into the sugar/salt laden snack foods... luckily there weren't many of them so I had to resort to pb&honey on whole wheat and non-fat organic milk.

Today is a better day.

I rode to work and the ride was actually a tad easier than it has been the last few times... I'm excited about this because eventually riding should become a time-saver for me as I get faster and more fit, but right now it takes me 40 minutes to ride from the park and ride to the office, so its prettymuch a wash with driving in the traffic.

So, that's it... crappy boring weekend... back to work... feeling pretty good.

thunder and lightning

The thunderstorms rolled in around 3 am. It was FABULOUS!!! I love thunderstorms. Only one of my boys woke up and I was able to reassure him and send him back to bed fairly quickly. The storms up here luckily bring rain along with the lightning so the fire risk is much lower than it is for the folks in Arizona and such. The rain and thunder, however, to not make for good cycling condidions, so I made a date with Miss Seibers this morning instead of riding to work... ah tradeoffs!

Going to try to take the boys to the zoo this weekend... Val turns 7 on tuesday... Geesh... I can't believe that. SEVEN... ugh, I am OLD.

someday... he's gonna be a teenager... and then a man... whoah.

I love my kids, but BOY do they age a person.

have a fabulous and safe weekend... countdown to my birthday is 10 days!

And they're OFF!

Okey dokey ladies, the books are officially in the mail as of last evening. I hope that they travel well and are a wonderful benefit to MANY peoples lives... now I just gotta finish "Tales from the Scale" for Renee.

The ride to work this morning was... hmmm...

oh how should I say this... let me think here... painful? difficult? taxing? arduous? excruciating? Yes... yes, that's it. Excruciating.

The ride to work this morning was excruciating.

It seems little miss Seibers and her billion and one squats have taken their toll on my ass (and legs) and the DOMS is just about as bad as its ever been. HooHA! Its great to change things up a bit, ain't it? So my legs are pissed, but I'm sure the'll get better and stronger eventually. Pushing thru the soreness this morning actually helped to loosen things up a bit, which was a Very Good Thing (tm).

Do any other women out there have a love/hate... er... love/loathe... hmmm... mabye its love/detestwitheveryfiberofmybeing... yeah, that's it. Let me start again. Do any other women out there have a love/detestwitheveryfiberofmybeing relationship with M@rtha St3wart? The woman annoys the crap outta me with her whole self-entitlement attitude, but holygoddamn batman has she built an empire for herself (much like 0prah, I might add) and some of the stuff in her magazines is just phenominal... and I hate myself for even looking at them... its just so very wrong.

*sigh*

I'm very glad that my ride home is mostly down hill. I need some coasting in my life right about now.

BOOK GIVEAWAY!!!

I have one paperback copy (very well thumbed) of "From Chunk to Hunk: Diary of a Fat Man" by Fred Anderson (of Onefatman and Vituperation.com fame) and one hard back copy of "Passing for Thin" by Frances Kuffel

I will send these books (one per person) to the first two people to comment on this entry (please specify your preference, first come first served) free of charge with one caveat:

If I send you one of these books you MUST COMMIT to send them on to someone else FREE OF CHARGE (you gotta pay the shipping folks) to another person who could benefit from the book if they can make you the same commitment... and so on... and so on... ad infinitum.

Does that make sense? Ok then, get to commenting and I'll email you directly for your snail-mail addresses.

This will also happen with the copies of "Tales from the Scale" and "I am Not the New Me" when I am done with them... Renee is already on deck for those.

Also... I'll be putting a little note inside the front cover of these books... if you'd like to add yours when you pass them on, I think that would be nifty too.

sunny day...

Today is one of the NICEST days the Portland metro area has seen all year.

It is balmy, 80 degrees, blue sky, slight breeze, PERFECT!

I wasn't super hungry so I decided to go walk around the neighborhood for a while and guess what I found??? A YARN SHOP!!! Within WALKING DISTANCE of work... I am SO screwed. I bought 6 balls of yarn for a baby blanket that I plan to start tonight... its sort of an improvised pattern, so I hope it turns out.

I'm going to have a wonderful weekend in the sun... I'm going to play and garden, and go for walks and eat fresh foods!

Have a great one!

Of Vegan Food and Snarkyness

Ok... so I realize that last post sounds kinda snarky... and I don't mean to come off that way... really I was just trying to be very matter-of-fact.

I feel very conflicted when people ask what I did/do, how I did/do it, and why I did/do it. Because honestly it wasn't easy, it still isn't easy. Sometimes its a struggle to ballance being a mom, a professional, AND a healthy human being. There were a LOT of dark times before I got my ass moving and there have been some since then too. Emotionally its tough to stay motivated for going on 3 years... yeah... that's right, 3 years. My archives go back to December of 2002 when I started this blog and by that point I'd already lost 20lbs.

I love the comments and encouragement I get from this blog, and I'm thrilled that I can be of help/service/inspiration or whatever to others out there who hit the emotional wall that I did. The wall that made me realize that I deserved better than I was doing for myself, but the cold hard fact of the matter is that YOU can't do what I did and expect to end up where I am because you are not me. You must do this work for yourself, you must find your own path and before ANY of it will make ANY difference you have to REALIZE and BELIVE to the very core of your being that you DESERVE the effort it takes to get to your goals.

You can't do it just because I did. You can't do it for your husband, or girlfriend, or mom, or pastor or anyone but yourself becaue the only constant in your life is you. You're the one who will have to look back three, five, twenty years later and know that the path was worth traveling... was worth sticking with... for LIFE.

This is my life.

I define myself as an athlete, and thus I am an athlete, I live as an athlete lives, I do as an athlete does.

And as for vegan food - aw hells yes! I'm having a vegan soba-noodle bowl for lunch and its as close to perfect food as it gets. Organic Soba noodles, organic veggies, organic tofu, veggie broth, sea salt... FREAKIN YUM!

Blossoming Lotus (inside Yoga in the Pearl) rocks.

I am so sorry...

Rode my bike to work today... it took much longer than it should have (40 mins to cover 7 miles... I was being... timid). I rode over the interstate bridge all alone tho, so that's an accomplishment. I didn't hear about London until I got into work.

I am so sorry.

I know I get the occasional reader from the UK, and then there's my darling Ingunn in Norway and Silverella in Greece (tho they may not read me, I read them obsessively)... but I know that there are millions of people in the UK right now who have been rocked to the core of their being.

I am so very sorry.

In the middle of the G8 summit... just after the Olympic Win... I am so very very sorry.

Let me know you're ok... tell your stories, your feelings your experiences... pour it out, we will listen.

My heart is with you London... just as it was with the families in Madrid, and as it is almost daily in Palestine, Israel, with women in Afghanistan, Iran, children and their parents in Georgia.

My heart is with you and I am so sorry.

I feel hung-over...

but I wasn't drunk last night.

like I mentioned before, lots is happening in my life this summer and I'm just so excited/nervous about it all. I may end up with an ulcer if I don't watch out.

I need more sleep.

I need more exercise.

I did, however, plant some lovely tomatos, carrots, cellery and 3 blue-berry bushes in my garden this weekend.

I discovered Sunday that SPF 45 sunscreen is unfortunately not enough to protect my skin for several hours, so I'm dealing with some toasty burn on my shoulders and back today... its not overly bad and if I keep it well hydrated it probably won't peel, but damnit, I don't need another burn (no-one does!).

My baby boy is at his very first non-family age-appropriate activity thing... (kids summer camp). Its at a wonderful athletic facility so there will be gymnastics and all sorts of stuff... but man... he's only THREE!!!! :( Its very weird to me that my babies are growing up so fast. Val will be a second grader this year... *sigh*. It is so hard to discribe what its like to be a parent... how it feels to love a kid so much that your chest physically hurts whenever you think about it. It is truly indescribable.

Anywho... plans for this week:

Run tonight and tomorrow morning (short 30-40 minutes), Hot yoga on Thursday @ lunch and Saturday morning... upper body and run on Friday morning.

I am also planning to start riding my bike to work again this week... its been too long and the weather is nice so its time to suck it up and just DO it.

Tomorrow will be day 1.

plans...

so the problem with the best laid plans is that there always seems to be a reason for plans to change.

For example: I was slated to run the Longview, WA 10k tomorrow morning... but then we got invited to Wild Waves (a 6-fl@ags park near Seattle) so we're gonna do that instead.

Life happens.

Another example: I am supposed to weigh in for the end of the R&B FiF challenge on Sunday... unfortunately my period is due to arrive monday or tuesday (and it's usually right on time) which means right about now I'm starting to get completely bloated, cranky and carb-starved.

I may wait till next Sunday to weigh in and just treat next week as an extension of the FiF challenge, because I'll be damned if I'm getting on the scale tomorrow.

Nope, not gonna do it.

Time to take my happy pills (coffee).

I just gotta say:

Canada is SO FUCKING COOL!!!

Hip Hip HOORAY for basic HUMAN RIGHTS!!!

hmmm

I'm so not good with change.

There is a guy that I "work" with who has been basically put on administrative leave for the last week... he came in today and the boss sent him home pretty much immediately.

he's always seemed a little off in the social skills department, but not aggravatingly so, just kinda shy and inept... but a couple of weeks or a month ago he started just spacing out at his computer screen... not moving, not blinking, like in a wakeful-sleep... I thought maybe he was having silent epileptic seizures. He'd been comming in later and later and later each week... his schedule was 9-6, but we'd be lucky if he came in by 11 most days.

Its a little disconcerting to not have any idea what's going on with the guy, but he played off the being told to "go home" pretty well.

I'm wondering if we'll ever see him again.

***

In other news, emotional funkyness made for less than stellar performance last week. Changes are brewing for the Smash household, and while I know they will ultimately bring positives, I am so freaking paralized with fear about them. I have a very difficult time dealing with change even when I am positive it is for the greater good. I WANT it, don't get me wrong, I just don't like the responsibility for making it happen because then all of the "what-ifs" come into play.

what if its the wrong choice
what if we screw it up
what if I screw it up
what if the kids get pissed and rebel
what if everyone is unhappy
what if
what if
what if

so I'm doing my best to put it out of my mind. I let it get the best of me last week and there was an unfortunate chocolate ganache/fondue incident on Wednesday night for which I paid with a chocolate-hang-over for the next two days, so I'm letting last week go. It was a wash... and today is a new day.

The goal this week is simply to eat right (on plan) for the last week of the R&B FiF Challenge and hopefully post a scale loss on Sunday... and to get to Bikram 3 times and run at least once this week.

Good goals... time to get moving on them.

called in sick

I stayed home from work yesterday due to the GI issues mentioned before... and I'm still not feeling 100% today... so the question is, do I skip Bikram at lunch, or do I Go?

ugh.

"I Am Not the New Me"

I have begun reading "IANTNM" (which was GENEROUSLY sent to me along with "Tales From the Scale" by Melissa, one of my lovely readers who had already finished them) and I am having trouble putting it down each night.

The kids are usually in bed by 8-8:30, and from then till 10 or so is "me time" when I read, knit, zone out to the TV or whatever... the last couple of nights I have been reading and pushing my bedtime out till 11:30 or later. And while I am not a super fast reader, I am about halfway thru the book and I'm just not able to put it down until my eyelids are fluttering and my body is collapsing into sleep without my permission.

Yeah. Its that good. I have decided that when I'm done I'll check back in with Melissa to see if she wants the books back, but if she does not I would be happy to send them on to another cash-strapped fitness blogger in an effort to keep the good karma flowing. I think it would be kinda neat to keep the tradition moving as well, so if you want a copy to keep for your very own go buy one, if you're willing to send the books on when you're done (to someone who will also send them on) let me know.

In fitness news Saturday's Bikram was fabulous, tho I didn't get the standing head to knee pose kicked out like I did the class before, and today's Bikram was just shit. I'm over tired from the weekend... my back is sunburned (WEAR YOUR SUNSCREEN PEOPLE!!!) from my garden work this weekend... and well... I'm just not feelin all that great.

The heartburn hasn't happened today... I picked up some ginger capsules like Christina recommended, but havne't had to use them yet... and thanks also to Lee and Mojo for reminding me about potential Gall Bladder issues. I do still have mine, and if things go downhill again I'll be making an appt. with my MD RIGHT AWAY!!!

I've been pretty lax about putting my food in fit-day, but I am sticking wtih the R&B FiF challenge by writing out 3x5 note-cards that I can carry with me thru the day. Honestly its just easier for me that way. I KNOW how big of servings and how many calories and grams of protien and crap are in just about everything I eat on a regular basis, and while it is nice to have the fit-day reinforcement, I am just too lazy to fart with it anymore... my apologies. I will do it when I can, but I'm not going to stay up till 11pm every night to get things in fit day when I could be reading IANTNM... so there! On the other hand I want to do a quick plug for Healthy Choice Fudge Bars... holy CRAP are they good... and for 80 calories and 1g of fat... they DEFINITELY satisfy any sweet/chcolate craving you might have at the end of the day.

GI issues...

Ok folks... I'm having some GI issues.

I know that any time I change my diet significantly I have a few days of adjustment to look forward to... but really, I haven't changed my diet much at all this last week... just stopped with all the snacking. And yet here I am with some REALLY uncomfy issues.

Everything, (and I do mean EVERYTHING) I eat is giving me wicked heartburn... and once I do finally digest things they're way outstaying their welcome in my colon causing some pretty horid bloat and flatulant nastyness.

I don't know what else to do. I'm taking my fiber, drinking TONS of water, but this is REALLY wearing me down and making me not want to eat at all.

I may call in sick to work at some point this week. UGH!

whoops...

ok, maybe we didn't cover this:

I hate crowds... I get claustrophobic and mean. I am a bitch on wheels. Crowd me and you get a pointy boot in the ass or a choice phrase in your ear. Thus, I DO NOT like to go out to eat on holidays... hell... most Fridays and Saturdays are right out as well. I don't do well. Its anxiety driven I am sure, and potentially linked to my low tollerance for rude ass-holes who treat their servers like shit and don't leave decent tips even tho they're working their asses off on THE MOST CROWDED day/night of the year which you, in your eminent assholery chose to contribute to by going out on that VERY BUSY day and then only make worse for everyone around you by showing your true colors.

Thus... no Father's Day crap for us... nor Mother's Day, nor Valentines, Christmas, any of the 8 nights of Hanukah, Easter, New Years (unless its a friends party), etc... etc... ad nauseum.

We stay home those days.

Its better for everyone... believe me.

I fell asleep in bikram...

do you think that maybe I'm a little fatigued?

I mean... come ON! Who falls asleep in a 105 degree room full of people? Apparently I do. To be fair class hadn't actually started yet. I was just laying on my mat getting used to the heat like I do before every class when I realized I was dreaming... and that just didn't seem right... so I woke myself up. It was probably one of the strangest sleep experiences I've ever had. It is VERY odd to be aware that you're dreaming, but that you shouldn't be. In any case I did wake up and class went well, tho I wasn't stable enough to kick my leg out in standing head to knee pose this time. My legs are TIRED today.

Tonight is FREE MEAL night in my R&B FiF Challenge! Usually I take my free meal on Friday night or Saturday morning (god I loves me some breaky-foods! pancakes, crepes, french toast, eggs, hashbrowns, chicken-fried steak, gravy... you get the idea)... but tonight I am taking Mike to Saucebox for Fathers day... yes, today is NOT father's day, but I believe we've already covered this. There will be drinks, appetizers, entrees, and possibly even a shared desert with coffee... and all 100% guilt free because its my one meal of the week where just about anything goes, AND honestly, the food is pretty damned healthy... I mean how can you go wrong with a seared filet of salmon with braized spinach? Seriously? I can think of no way.

In any case I am being extra vigilant with my food as well today. I skipped my eggs this morning and found that I didn't really need them. I would skip the whole-wheat english muffin instead, but I really enjoy it, and I think some complex carbs in the morning are a good thing to get the day started... and with a protein shake at 10:30 am, I'm still getting adequate protein.

ARGH! Enough with the anal-ysis! God, even when I'm in a challenge I can't let it go enough to just eat... there is SERIOUSLY somthing wrong with me.

;)

Comments

Ok... I've turned off comment registration until TypePad gets their heads out. You may now comment at will! I will continue to moderate comments, but hell, I'm on line pretty much all day long, so if you post, the delay to it being viewable will usually be under an hour.

Yoga yesterday was pretty good. The Tuesday instructor is Bert, and he's much more strict on the 60 second pose times than some of the other instructors and MAN is that challenging (in a good way). I actually kicked my leg out for the first time (both sides) on Standing Head to Knee Pose (#5). I didn't get my leg completely straight, but I did get it out there!

My Second day of the R&B FiF Challenge is going VERY well. Its nice not to have to figure out what I'm going to eat each day. I just look at my list and eat what it says, and move on. My GI tract seems to be enjoying the influx of good veggies and such as well. I had the same sweet-craving post lunch that Renee has been talking about, and since I'd recommended she try half a protein shake post lunch, I figured I'd better try it out myself to see if it curbed my sweet craving. Low and behold it did! It only took a few sips and the craving was completely gone! ALL HAIL CHAMPION NUTRITION CHOCOLATE WHEY POWDER!!!

In other news... only 5 days of school left!!! HOORAY!!!

???

So Typepad is being weird... its' inserting strange characters in the "email address" field of the comments and then telling you that your email address isn't validated or some such.

I'm whining to Typepad now... in the meantime, feel free to email me (link to your left or lexine at gmail dot com) if you want... I lurve email!

Workout yesterday was fun, but it took longer to do my upper body than anticipated, and all the treadmills were full by the time I was done lifting, so I jumped on the eliptical x-trainer and did the 28 minute weight-loss program (level 4 and 7) with a 5 minute cool-down. I was good and drippy by the end.

Today is going well, food is ON-TRACK for a 100% on-plan day. I have a raw spot inside of my nose because I've had a drippy nose for the last week and even the puffs-plus-with-lotion tissues are starting to irritate my poor widdle nose. Yoga today (yay!) so much h2o drinkage is going on... 2 litres so far.

Otherwise it is a slow day. My hair looks FABULOUS today tho, which is always a good thing! ;)

meme

I've never been tagged for a meme before, so I figure that since Tzuj tagged me I'd better follow up, or I may never be tagged again...

You are stuck inside Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?

I guess the point here is whether I'd want to be a shocking, free thinking book that would be burned, or some quiet, non-threatening book that would probably survive... I think I'd want to be Dante's Inferno, or the writings of Nietsche... and I'd probably be burned for sure.

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?

Not that I can recall.

The last book you bought is?

"The Seven Silly Eaters" for my neices, and "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth." But "I Am Not The New Me" and "Tales From the Scale" are both on my amazon wishlist for next paycheck.

The last book you read was?

Duck for President (read to my son before bed last night) Oh... for me? I think the last book I spent any time reading was Ina May's Guide to Childbirth or Stich-n-Bitch.

What are you currently reading?

since when do grownups have time to read? uh... I read snipits of Fred's book (From Chunk to Hunk) when I'm alone for a couple of minutes in the bathroom... I read my Midwifery magazines as soon as they come... but adult books just don't get a lot of attention from me right now.

Five books you would take to a deserted island?

Martin Buber - I-Thou.
The Harry Potter Series because I haven't read any of them.
The Hitch-hikers Guide (all of them in one book)
The Torah, Koran, and Bible.

ok... so that's six, and more like 11 total... but hey, its a deserted island, right?

And now I shal tag my good friend Lee because it is my understanding that she should be reading her Nutrition texts, but I'm willing to bet there are other books on her plate right now as well!

ugh.

burned out.

I am SERIOUSLY burned out.

four days of intense, back-breaking labor, and I am spent.

We're nearly done... still have some edging to put in, and some grass bits to fix... have to stuff the cracks in the stone patio with irish moss... but overall it was an incredibly productive weekend.

my only complaint? ANTS!!! The last project on my list was to dig out the area that is to become my vegitable garden so that I can put good soil in and get to planting. Unforutnately we found not one but TWO colonies of tiny little black and red biting ants under the sod, so I had to put down poision and wait a few days. It pisses me off that I had to put poison where I want to put a vegitable bed as well because now the ground is contaminated with that shit (but I couldn't have ants biting my kids all the time) and nothing ever JUST KILLS what its supposed to kill. Lots of beneficial insects are going to be eliminated by the crap. Honestly, I hate ants. Ants are the one insect on this planet that could disapear and I wouldn't bat an eye. I'm sure they provide a valuable service in the eco-system, but I don't care. I want them gone from my yard permanently, and thus... chemical death. fuckers.

So now I have to figure out how long I have to wait until its safe to plant veggies... or dig out all of the contaminated soil (more than likely this is what I'll do) and send it off to our rubbish pile (sod, weeds, etc...that is all composting itself down) and hope it doesn't kill all the good bugs back there too).

Today is my self imposed rest day. I need it. My body needs it. I shoveled more shit, gravel, bark, soil, clay, gravel and sand in the last four days than any one person should have to deal with... but holy-god-damn-batman... are the results worth the effort.

oh... you want to see the results, do you? Too bad, you'll have to wait till tomorrow.

cheers and such!

crazyness and friendships

so i went to costco this evening to stock up on essentials (beer, cheese) before my parents and Mike's parents show up for the weekend yard-work marathon, no biggie, right? Right, except that when I got home the garage door wouldn't open... not responding to the remote in the truk, nor the one in the mini, nor the one mounted to the wall next to the garage... so I go for the front door, unlock, push... whoops, security bar is in place, not goin' no-where... head for the back door... same deal, unlocked but security bar in place (we're nothing if not safe)... no way in. I called Mike on the cell (he was at work), he hopped on the motorcycle and came home to find an open window to crawl into.

Luckily he did find one, which he crawled thru and promptly closed and locked behind him (remember this, it becomes important later)... he goes out to the garage, figures out what's wrong with the garage door opener, fixes it (the power cord had wiggled loose, he zip-tied it in place) and voila, I have a way into the house!!! Hooray, the cheese is getting warm, and the last thing we want is warm cheese! I begin unloading stuff but in the meantime I send my 3 year old inside to take of his pants that he has wet because he couldn't get inside to the potty (poor thing), but he comes right back out and gets naked in the garage... gotta love naked time. So, with a load of costco sized groceries I go for the door from the garage into the house, which my son had JUST (not 30 seconds before) come thru with his naked little bum waggin in the wind... but it won't open. It feels locked. Get key, unlock, still won't open. It's completely screwed.

Now we're outside (in the garage) with a naked 3 year old, melting eggo waffles, and remember that window Mike had climbed in? Right... its' no longer open, the wonderful and efficient man has locked it up tight. At this point I am so frustrated that I'm asking Mike to kick in the door. He doesn't (smart man) and goes searching for another open window... and luckily he finds one, goes around and un-does all of the security bars before removing the handle from the door so it can be opened at all.

That was my evening. My mood was tanked, I was pissed at the door, pissed at the groceries, pissed at the fact that Mike had to leave work to rescue me...

Luckily I found a note that I'd been given earlier in the day from a very special and wonderful woman thanking me for being a good friend to her and it reminded me that things are no where near as important as people.

I'm lucky to have good friends, two healthy beautiful children and a wonderful partner.

now I just need new locks.

*sigh*

back to normal i think...

emotions are an odd thing. sometimes i just don't get why i have the feelings i do. i may know that how i'm feeling is completely irrational but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way. The emotional drama from the past couple of days was just that... drama. i spent a lot of time talking with my dh about it and it was really good. i don't like feeling like a failure and its hard to get past that when its so easy to remind myself of my personal failings each day.

its all mindset. i am a successful, fit, healthy person. i have ongoing goals, and i will achieve them. i deserve the time and the effort necessary to reach those goals. (can you say positive affirmations, kids? i knew you could).

i didn't hit all of my goals for this week... I ran 3 times for a total of probably 8 miles and i did the hot yoga, which i plan to try again on tuesday... and possibly thursday as well, but it will depend a lot uppon how my work week is looking. I did well with water except for today but i went and got my hair done so I feel pretty again, so I'll let it slide.

Goals for this week:

1. run 4 times
2. hot yoga twice
3. take my vitamin daily
4. get my water daily (80 oz)
5. 6 fruits/veggies per day (serving size = 1/2c.)

questions

can phsyical cleansing trigger emotional cleansing?

could the toxin-flush of the hot yoga be triggering this emotional pit of dispair I'm dealing with right now?

what the hell is wrong wtih me?

Yes I watched "Chaotic" last night

or at least part of it... the rest I TIVO'd and will watch later on... yes, I will. So there.

I'm a bit sore today, so I skipped the morning run in anticipation of hot-yoga (Bikram certified teachers!!!) tonight with Alissa.

I am hydrating like a mofo.

eating as clean as possible.

and yet I'm giddy as a schoolgirl... ;)

I made buttermilk cornbread last night and it was so freakin good. I LOVE cooking... I wish I was home more so I could do it more often... but honestly, I love doing it... and I think I'm pretty good at throwing things together to make good food all improvisational wise... in fact theres only been one thing I've made that my husband refused to eat (black bean chilli... the beans weren't cooked thru and he hates beans anyway... I didn't eat it either)... so I think that's a pretty good track record.

In any case, despite how freakin yummy the cornbread was, I only had 1 piece so I'm awfully proud of that. I'm positive that the leftovers will be gone before I get home tonight too. I've got chicken and buffalo thawing in the fridge... I wonder what I'll come up with for dinner tonight?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY R!!!

Wow...

ok, so crappy weekend behind me, its time to move ON.

Honestly it really wasn't ENTIRELY crappy... just somewhat crappy and there were definite bright points (breaky with Alissa on Satidy, Snuggle time with each of my boys... etc...). But Mike and I had an argument and it was stressfull and emotional and it was very hard for me to let it go and move on.

The fact of the matter is that I am tired of him working Friday and Saturday nights. He's been doing it for 2 years now and its just not fair that he still has to work the only two nights that I have off. This schedule eliminates any possibility of decent date-nights because the only other time we could go out together (or stay in) are Wednesday and Thursday nights but I have to get up for work the next morning and should be getting to sleep by 9:30 or so... I'm sick of it. Its not fair, and its not good for our family or our relationship. There isn't a single day of the week that we can just BE together because one or the other of us is always getting ready to go to work either that night or the next morning. Not a single day.

TWO YEARS PEOPLE and I haven't had a full nights sleep with my husband in TWO YEARS!!! Ok, there have probably been random nights in there somewhere, but I'm going to guess that if there were it was because one or the other of us was sick. It sucks.

Ok... that's what the argument was about, and I'm still (obviously) emotional about it.

In any case, no running happened this weekend leaving me with 5.6 miles for the week... ah well. I'll run today and figure the rest out as we go along.

I'm going to work on getting my vitamins daily again, I've been slacking on that big time... and drinking my water. Here are my goals for this week:

1. Run 5 times... don't care how far or how long, just put the shoes on.
2. Try Hot-Yoga once.
3. Drink my water (80 oz + each day)
4. Take my vitamin.

There ya have it... and like Erin says... no eating goals this week because... well... one thing at a time.

Euphimism

Heir bloaty and his mistress Madame Crampy have come to visit. They've taken up residence (once again) in my abdomen and plan to stay for a couple of days. While never invited, their visits are predictable and monthly and relatively easily dealt with. Friday or Saturday I will kick them to the curb only to prepare for another invasion a scant three weeks later.

Euphemisms: Aunt Flow gives us a dictionary of Menstruation Euphimisms. From the seemingly innocent: "Aunt Flo is visitng" to the political "Flying the Red Flag" to the downright vulgur "Anal Sex Week." There are as many euphimisms for getting your period as there are for having sex... but hey... we're all adults here.

Dropping the BS, I have my period. This is a good thing. This means that while I hapily maintain a healthy monogomous married sex life I have once again foiled the ovulation monster that resides in my pelvis and have prevented pregnancy!! YIPPEE!! So hey... despite the bloaty bloat and crampy cramp that comes along with my period, I'm pretty durned happy to have it. Will it stop me from running? Oh hell no.

I find it almost sad that not too long ago women were told that they must rest during their periods... that they shouldn't participate in anything athletic. What a crock.

I'll be running today.

cheers.

Like I Said...

What better way to get serious about running again than to sign up for a whole bunch of races over the summer???

Here's the "plan" thusfar:

Starlight Run 5k - June 4th
Helvetia Drop Top 10k - June 11th (maybe... don't know if I can work back up to 10k in only 5 weeks, but we'll see)
ORCC Summer Solstice Sundowner 5k - June 16th
or
Run with Baloons 5k - June 19th
First Annual XC Classic, Welches OR 5k - June 25th
Longview 4th of July Fun Run 5k - July 2nd
Go Girl 5k - July 9th or 10th (the websites disagree)
Seaside Beach run 5k - July 17th
AAA Sports All Womens Duathlon - Aug 6th

Pretty spiffy if I do say so myself. Training starts now.

;)

not always easy

I grew up with 3 sisters (and one brother, but this isn't about him, sorry, Ev).

I think we're all very attractive, unique to each other... but one thing that defined me as I grew up was that I was and always would be "the fat sister." Keep in mind that this is entirely based on a skewed body image because I was never really fat... heck I wasn't even "overweight" until I hit college and gained the freshman... uh... well... ok 25. BUT even then I was easily 25 lbs lighter than I am now and I know I'm not fat now, so how could I possibly have been fat then. I have a round butt... I was called "bubble-butt" by friends and family alike as I grew up. I have thick thighs and an ample chest... no DDs or anything like that... just well proportioned curves. These days I love my butt, I am thankful that I don't have to work very hard to get that "shelf" between my behind and my legs. But when I was a teenager... not so much. I like the strength and power of my thighs now, but I still wish I could get to the point where they didn't touch when I stand with my feet shoulder width apart... as a teen, thunder thighs is what they were. Now my boobs on the other hand I've always been happy with... I'll keep those thankyouverymuch.

The problem I have is completely in my head and usually I don't even think about it. But when I go home and am faced with my sisters who are significantly thinner than I am the ugly beast of inadequacy, jealousy and competition rears its pock-marked head and there I am, once again, the fat sister.

I don't blame my sisters for this... they're just naturally narrower than I am (*sigh* even my 4 months pregnant sister). If you look at baby pictures of me and my mother side by side you'd be hard pressed to tell us apart. I got her hips, her butt and her nose (thank GOD!). We're the curvy ones.

So while I had a great visit with my family, it is not always easy for me to be one of "The Palmer Girls." It pisses me off that my internal stigma is there when ever I hang out with my sisters. It pisses me off that I am not "over it". I'm a grown up, an advocate of personal responsibility. This is a demon I will work on slaying potentially for the rest of my life.

Ah well... guess its time to get serious about running again.

;)

well crap!

I have a lot to say today.

unfortunatley my HD at work crashed and may not be replaced until this afternoon...

potential weekend updates.

b

Alaska!

I really do love seeing my family. I wish they all lived closer to me but the cold hard fact of the matter is that I am the one who chose to move out of Alaska and I can't really ever see myself going back for any length of time. Honestly, AK is a beautiful place. The mountains are just as majestic as you'd expect, the wildlife as plentiful, etc. etc. ad nauseum. There are, however, a few major drawbacks to living in Alaska. Alaska is hard on cars. Studded tires are the norm from October til April and the salt and sand do a number on the undercariage. Alaska has many fucked up climates. Anchorage, for example, is practically a desert despite being a coastal city. The air is always VERY dry, even when it is actively raining... nothing ever feels clean except right after a mid-winter snow storm when everything is quiet and white. But most importantly (for me at least) Alaska is politically a VERY conservative state... and by conservative I don't really mean Republican... or religious-right... I mean... well, I guess the closest thing I can come up with is Libertarian, to the extreme. And honestly having grown up there I do have some libertarian leanings, but I also got out, got educated, and made up my own mind on some issues.

In any case, it was nice to go back and in the six days we were there Anchorage experienced "spring" in as much as a northern desert ever does. It rained one day, and suddenly instead of just brown branches and dirt everything turned green... lawns, trees, etc. Seriously. In 6 days... by the time we left it was full summer foliage going on.

We spent most of our time hanging out at the Gay house which is my parents house on Gav Way but the street sign looks like it says Gay Way, so it's the Gay house whether it likes it or not. My mom is a fabulous cook and despite a couple of servings of home made creme brulee and a HUGE pasta feast for Missa's graduation dinner I came home lighter than I left. That is the joy of home cooking. Nothing processed... meat, veggies, some carbs, lots of alcohol and coffee and all is right with the world. ;)

There were some down points on the trip... the flight up was smooth as could be, but that didn't stop me from having motion sickness so bad that they had to give me oxygen for the last 1.5 hours of a 3 hour flight... I didn't realize just how much the O2 had been helping until they took it away for landing. Soon as I set foot on solid ground tho all was well and the flights back were of no real consequence so I have NO idea what was up with that. I've never had motion sickness on a plane before and I hope never to again.

Nate got a raging double ear infection, the first of his 3 short years of life... but a quick trip to the local clinic and the amoxicillin seems to have cleared it up... sad news is that he's been burdened with mom's waxy ears so we're going to have to start doing some preventative maintenance on that now.

Val did VERY well, and was a superb traveler.

I came home with a fantastic head cold from my papa and a second degree steam-burn on the back of the first two knuckles of my right index finger... lets just say I should not try to make coffee at 8 am after a graduation wine-bender... especially not when the kettle has been left on the stove on low heat all night... (I'm an idiot) but the blister hasn't popped, so I'm considering that to be a good sign.

I'll post pics this weekend (hopefully). My sister is an amazing poet, and I even got to go watch her read some of her stuff at the university before her graduation ceremony. I wonder what she'll be doing next.

Back to work for me... more updates on the fitness front as they happen... which they aren't right now... because I'm sick as a freakin dog.

okaaaaaay...

so big apologies for my absence.

jumped a plane to the big state up north that most people thing is full of tundra and oil to watch my baby sister get her MFA in Creative Writing focusing on poetry and get in a bit of a family fix.

It was good.

Glad to be home tho... about to go crash in my own bed for the first time in a week and THAT sounds like heaven (despite it's saggy nature).

*more tomorrow*

etc.

not a whole lot to say today.

nothing big happening... self absorbed rest day.

personal responsibility on my brain... life is what you make of it and all... had to deal (IRL) with a complete perpetual victim type yesterday... what a hassle.

sit down, shut up and DECIDE not to be a victim anymore, damnit!

blame the world for exisiting, blame your parents for not loving you enough, blame society for creating unreal expectations of beauty and then remind yourself that none of it fucking matters right here and now and quit being so affraid of failure that you refuse to DO THE FUCKING WORK necessary to get you where you "dream" of being.

I always hated it when my dad would remind me that "life isn't fair" but as much as I hated it then, he was right. It isn't, tough shit, grow up and make of it what you want.

Muhammed Ali

I make no secret of the fact that I work for @didas America. Its a good job with good people and the random opportunity to meet/greet the big names in sports who grace our advertising campaigns. I've shaken hands with skaters, freestyle bmxers, womens olympic champion soccer players etc... but today is special.

Today the great Muhammed Ali is on campus. I haven't seen him yet, and I may not, but just knowing I'm in such close proximity to the man is pretty damned cool. I will NOT be asking for an autograph if I do see him, but if I can snap a quick cell-phone pic I will.

Don't hold your breaths tho... I should be the only one waiting to exhale.

;)

UPDATE: *sigh* well... I saw him from a distance thru a window... does that count? No way I coulda taken a picture tho... *sigh* now that is one AWESOME man... and have I spewed enough about Laila Ali's physique? Aw yeah, rumble young girl, rumble.

wow what a weekend

Saturday we had a party at my house and more people than I expected showed up so it was REALLY good... there was a LOT of food (most of it BAD for you) and a lot of talking and visiting and just jabbering about which made me happy. PLUS everyone left on time!!! Can you believe that? There were no unwelcome stragglers who stuck around till I had to kick them out, I was SO EXCITED that I got my house back four hours after the party started, so I was able to get things cleaned up and put away before the post-part fatigue kicked in around 6pm.

Sunday was a LAZY LAZY LAZY day. I started a new knitting project since I finally finished the baby blanket for bert and stephanie... it turned out SO well and I'm really pleased with it, I will try to put a picture up soon... its not what I expected, but pretty neat anyway. We did some laundry, ate left over party food, watched a couple of DVDs with the kids... it was a LAZY LAZY LAZY day... and sometimes thats ok.

My youngest sister defends her dissertation for her MFA today. I am so nervous/excited/proud/etc... for her. I know she'll be great and her advisors love her and her poetry so much that she'll have no trouble being approved for her MFA, I just wish I could be there to see it!!! (insert proud big-sister tears here)... oh and did I mention today is also her birthday? No? Yeah well, it is, she's turning 27.

A run is on deck for today, 40 minutes, and hopefully it will stop raining or it's the dreadmill for me because I didn't bring my raingear today.

cheers!

blech

thats how I feel today.

blech.

I am not sleeping well.

I think my bed is one of the culprits of my near constant fatigue. I am tossing/turning more than normal... waking frequently for short periods, and getting up with my alarm in the morning is becomming laughable. My matress isn't old, but it isn't new either... about 5 years of use and it is noticeably sagging. One good thing is that it has a 10 year warranty, so I think its about time to call it in and ask for a replacement.

vitamin - check
water - check
protein/carb/fat in proper ratios - check
sound sleep - no check

I'll assume that's the problem until proven otherwise.

HOORAY FOR BROCCOLI!!!

and that's all I have to say about that.

what I did on wednesday evening...

I hung out with Hollums on the waterfront, that's what I did!! YIPPEE!!! She had just finished a 5m run and plopped down on the bench next to me and we chatted about personal responsibility, and her need to get with the strength-training already, her 2hour half-marathon the weekend prior and forefoot running which she's taken a liking to. We talked about my babies and online blogs, our geek-girl status (she will fix my ibook if it ever breaks, which I don't anticipate because it's a freakin apple afterall) and the fact that when you make fitness part of your life it creates a momentum of its own and you, at some point, are just along for the ride.

Have I mentioned how fantastic Hollie is? No? Well HollIE is FAN-freakin-TASTIC... no doubt about it, m'kay!

Post-holly/brenna mutual fan fest- we had a great practice on the river (which smelled just delicious today, what with all of the warming raw-sewage and all) and I believe it may have been the first time that I stayed relatively dry. It was cool, but NO RAIN!!! We are strong and getting stronger... there is at least one team that will kick our asses into the ground tho... its made up mostly of huge and strong Samoan men and I have very little hope that we'll beat them during Rose Fest... but ya never know, all that extra weight in the boat could slow 'em down... right?

I guess we'll see... Rose Fest is in 6 weeks... not much time left.

Birth

I deleted a stupid snarky comment I made to mojo last night.

It was stupid and snarky and that's all I need to say about that.

Heres the thing...

I know all births are not like mine. We live in a culture of fear and panic about labor. We see it on TV, in movies, in the emotionally distructive stories told to us by our mothers, sisters, aunts and neighbors as we go thru our pregnancies. We learn to anticipate crippling pain, debilitating pain, completely unmanageable pain. And that is what we accept to be the norm. But I truly believe that if we did not have that anticipation, that fear, the pain wouldn't have such power over us.

That is not to say that birth would be painless and easy every time... it is only to say that the pain of labor and birth wouldn't hold such power over us that we feel compelled to defend our birth choices at every turn.

Mojo's comment to my birth story below is not negative, but I'm a little over-sensitive about birth issues and initally I took it that way. I assumed that because she told of her contrasting birth experience as a response to my celebration of mine she was somehow trying to belittle me. Its stupid, truly it is. But the reason I over-reacted is that it is unfortunately very typical of women who hear a homebirth story and feel they should respond by contrasting their own birth experience with mine in a way that OFTEN makes me feel as tho my experience is less valid because I didn't go thru what they did. For some reason my natural birth story puts a lot of women on the defensive and sometimes it seems like they need to defend thier decision to birth in hospital with epidural (or whatever)... but it was not my intention to put ANYONE's birth choices in question... and I think it sucks that we women have created a culture that makes ANY woman believe that she must defend her birth choices to anyone.

Let me say this right here and now: THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO BIRTH. YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON YOU MUST ANSWER TO WHEN CHOOSING HOW TO BRING YOUR BABY INTO THIS WORLD. period. end of story.

I am not better or braver or stronger than anyone else for having birthed my second child at home with a midwife. My first child was born in a hospital after 18+ hours of back labor and a sanity saving epidural... if every labor were like my first women would WANT to be knocked out before even entering the hospital... but they aren't. If every labor were like my second (intense, but relaxed and virtually pain-free) women would say screw the hospital, I'm stayin' home! But they're not.

Anecdotes aside, more than 85% of births in this country happen in a hospital and nearly 30% of births in this country happen via cesarian-section. America is NOT the land of the best birth outcomes:
• Infant Mortality: The US ranks 28th in infant mortality among industrialized nations (behind the
Czech Republic and Cuba) as of 1998 . (Child Health USA 2002,
Maternal Child Health Bureau, Health Resources and Services Administration, US Department of Health and Human Services http://mchb.hrsa.gov/chusa02/main_pages/page_03.htm)

• Maternal Mortality: In 1999, the US ranked 21st in the world for maternal death. However the
CDC estimates that maternal deaths are underreported by one half to two thirds, and that half of
US maternal deaths are preventable. The rate of death due to childbirth has not decreased since
1982, and increased in 1999. (Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth. Ina May Gaskin. Bantam, 2003. pp 274-277)

Maybe, instead of feeling like we must fight each other to defend our birth choices... and in fact I had to BREAK THE LAW and ask an unlicensed (in my state) midwife attend my birth because there were no other options in my area... maybe we should be working together to distroy the culture of fear and strengthen our sisterhood thru creating a culture of CHOICE in birth. Mojo, YOU KNOW I think you're a beautiful and wonderful and powerful woman. You have the right to whatever birth you choose, and your birth will be PERFECT for you and your child... you are educated and intelligent and do not need the approval of me, of your family, of your neighbor or anyone else. You will bring that baby out in your way and in your time and I will trumpet from the rooftops to celebrate with you when he's born.

I'm sorry if you saw the snarky comment last night. I apologize for it to anyone who did.

THREE!!!

My baby boy turns three years old today.

Three years ago this morning he squirmed his little way into the world, all 8lbs6oz of him... I had seen my midwife the day before (ten days past-due by the wheel, but only 5 days past due by my conception calculations). She reminded me that he would come when he was ready, but that she had a feeling it would be the next morning... "why don't you give me a call around four tomorrow morning... four sounds good to me."

Later that evening I ate some phenomenal beef and barley soup that my mother had made and which my hubby had liberally spiked with tobasco (without my knowledge) but nothing seemed to be happing.

At one thirty this morning, three years ago, I awoke to pee (which happens frequently in late pregnancy) and realized that four am wasn't so far off... pressure relieved, I noticed a contraction, but went back to sleep... until another one woke me fully at 2:30. I roused Mike from his sleep and told him to get the bed ready... I sat on my birth-ball and bounced and timed contractions for a while on our palm-pilot (all I had to do was tap a button with the stylus at the start and end of each contraction and it did all the work... gotta love technology). An hour or so later Mike encouraged me to call our midwife... but I wanted to wait until four... I wanted her prediction to be correct.

So at four am I called Sara... woke my mom and sent my sister to my ex-husbands house to retrieve my other son... I didn't know that in just a couple of hours I'd have two boys. Sara (our midwife) arrived just after 5am... I'd had a strong contraction while side-laying on the bed and my water had broken just moments before. She asked to check me and I consented... it wasn't too intense, but I was curious about where I stood.

9 cm. No screaming, no yelling... just quiet relaxed labor. Into the tub I went and the submersion was divine... another hour passes and I start to feel pushy... but not completely so. I get out of the tub, move around, try different positions and finally come to rest on my husbands lap as he sits on the bed and I kneel next to it.

And as I push him into the world I still believe he is a girl, until my husband says, "do you want to know what it is?" and I say, "yes." and he replies... "we have a boy."

I don't believe him... I turn around and scoop up my peaceful, watchful, pink and plump baby. Sara has suctioned his nose so gently that he's not even angry. He hardly cries. We wrap up in towels, welcome him into the world and once the placenta is delivered and severed from him by his daddy and his brother together, we climb into bed and rest.

peace, tranquility, birth.

no anger, no tragedy, no pain that was unbearable, no violation of privacy, no chemicals, no trauma to him or me... just birth.

If every birth were a homebirth like mine, women would not fear it... they would anticipate it with joy and excitement.

Happy birthdy Nathan!

slight detour, and a return...

So PMS, plus emotional trauma, plus work stress, plus sick kids equals me last week... I dropped a lot of things, let some things slide (sorry Renee!), and all in all just coasted thru the week hoping I would have the where with all to pick up the pieces on the other side.

And here I am.

There was no exercise, save the short run on Saturday, from Thursday thru Sunday... there will be modified exercise today (pushups/situps and low-weight upper body stuff I'll be doing at home later this evening)... and eating is back on track.

Its hard to admit our faults. I'm one of those people who have made a LOT of progress toward a much healthier lifestyle and people have started asking me questions about it... how'd I do it, where do I find the motivation... hey can you explain this to me. And ever since that started happening it has been VERY hard to admit my own humanity to anyone other than my immediate family.

But here's the cold hard truth ladies and gents... I am an emotional eater. When stress comes down on me like a caber tossed by a kilted Scottsman, I, like many many other women, turn to food. I know it when it happens... sometimes I stop it and try to find another outlet, sometimes I have the capacity to pick a decent food choice (I drowned myself in cottage cheese and pineapple when Jim announced L's news last week), but often... more often than I care to admit... I do not have that strength or presence of mind... and I find myself 30-60-90 minutes later with my hand in the box of goldfish crackers for the umpteenth time while I wash the salty yellow buggers down with a rockey road chaser.

That was me this weekend.

I will not be getting on the scale tomorrow. It isn't worth it... and ultimately it means nothing, because while this weekend sucked ass emotionally... I still got a run in... and I got a LOT of work done on our house (thank you thank you thank you to my hubby for doing SO much work on it as well) and today I feel cleansed of some of the demons, and I will pick up, dust off, and move on.

Looking back at difficult experiences is hard for me to do, but sometimes it does help to re-affirm where I'm comming from and where I'm going... dwelling on difficult experiences however, does no-one any good.

Now... get thee to the gym!

tornado ophelia

My house is in a state that would normally send me in to kiniption fits. There are rubbermade buckets everywhere, the recyle bins are overflowing, stuff I haven't looked at in ages is spread across the floor, beds, every available horizontal surface. Tornado Ophelia came to call today.

And yet... I am ok.

I am not convulsing on the floor.

I am not stressing over every speck of paper.

Our shredder (on the other hand) is crying for mercy.

Today we opened the book on spring cleaning, and when I say spring cleaning I mean clearing all of the useless unnecessary crap out of every closet and nook in our home. We've dumped at least 20 reams of useless papers that we were just storing for no real reason. We've put HUGE piles of old toys and clothes out in the garage for their trip to good-will. I may have actually convinced mike to give up his beloved Nintendos (yes, there are many... and yes, they all work, and yes he has the games to go with them... anyone want 'em?)

Progress is being made... and it makes me SOOOOOOOOOOOO happy.

I come from a family of pack-rats. My mother was possibly the worst offender of all. SO much of her stress is caused by stuff... just things that are in her home but she can't figure out how to let go of. I grew up in a HUGELY cluttered environment... I have worked VERY hard not to create the emotional ties to things that my mother was crippled by for so long. Stuff is just stuff and when it ceases to be usefull to me it becomes clutter and thus MUST GO!

It is so easy to gather stuff... and when you haven't used it for a while to put it away in a cupboard or closet "just in case" it could potentially be of some use years in the future, but I know this is a trap, an emotional well into which I refuse to fall.

Today we REALLY began spring cleaning and I am very pleased with the progress... welcome home Tornado Ophelia, you are family, I invite you in.

oh... and not enough people showed up for paddling practice today so we couldn't take a boat out (oh shucks)... 2.25 mile run was good tho.

cheers!

crushed

helplessness is a horrible, crushing, experience.

observing helplessness and not having any power to change the situation causing the helplessness (*thus being helpless in your own right) is crushing as well, but no where near as bleak as actually being in the situation.

I feel completely powerless right now, and yet... I am but an outside observer. I am not family, I'm not Jim. I am crushed right along with him, standing beside him... my GOOD friend for nearly a decade... but there is nothing I can do... nothing I can say that isn't trite, or worthless, or hollow... all I have are words and the ability to be present.

So that is what I will be. Present. Here.

OK I'm puttin out the APB on NUNI!!!

Nuni!!! Where are you??? You haven't posted in ages, and your email account has been disabled!!! I miss you, I worry about you... please, let me know you're ok!

If anyone has any info on the Nuninator I would GREATLY appreciate it.

laughable

its laughable really... but then again it isnt... my body image right now is SUFFERING and yet the root of the issues isn't how my body looks, because I still feel like I look pretty ok when I'm clothed and fairly respectable when unclothed... the root of the issue is what I've lost in my strength and fitness level over the last 4 months.

When you're not TRYING to stay in shape its easy to believe that when you jump back on the horse it will all come flooding right back and you'll regain your prior fitness levels in no time flat.

reality is just a tad different my friends... just a tad.

From 30# shoulder presses I'm down to THREE MEASLEY POUNDS. Now granted I was not pressing the 30s 15 times in a row for three sets... it was more like 8/6/4... but I could get them up, and I could press them with good form... I don't think I could even get them over my shoulders at this point... it was last fall that I decided on the spur of the moment to run a 10k with my pal DW and I did, with no real issues... and yet I struggle to run 2 miles at a pace anywhere over 5 miles per hour now.

I've lost a LOT of my fitness and it pisses me off. It is SO much easier to maintain a fitness level than it is to regain one that you used to have. But it is laughable... because I knew this. I knew it before it began and I knew it as it was happening. I chose to allow my fitness to take a back seat while I focused on getting pregnant, and ya know what? That's OK by me. It is laughable... and being annoyed over what I've lost really won't get me anywhere.

So laugh with me, won't you? Laugh right over to the gym and work your own ass out while I work mine.

It will return, the fat will be shed, the cardiovascular endurance will improve. it always has, and it always will... because there WILL be a next time... I have no doubts about that.

up and at em...

Food has been spot on (check fit day, you'll agree!)... sleep was a bit lacking last night due in part to my frantic food-prep session that didn't start until 7pm... but some would be amazed at how efficient I can be in the kitchen... all of my prep actually took only an hour but it threw off the rest of my evening routine enough that I didn't get to bed till 10:30... oh well.

Just got back from my workout:

Treadmill, Hills, 60 minutes - 450 calories, 3.8 miles. Most of the workout was walking but I ran all of the flats and low inclines at a modest 5.2-5.5mph pace.

now I am snarfing more cottage cheese and pineapple and working on my resume.

yes, my soul sucking job pays me... but I'm not willing to trade my life for money any more... not after last week, so I'm looking elsewhere, and while I know I'll have to take a huge (at least 20-30%) pay cut to go anywhere else... and that it will set me back a year or so in my schooling plans... at some point I have to value my hapiness over my paycheck.

So there it is.

I am struggling... (a post in which I curse mightily and frequetly)

I am having a pretty rough time emotionally right now... its not translating to good habits either... I'm telling myself I will do what I need to do each morning and by the evening I've resigned myself to my current emotional dissatisfaction and have not accomplished my goals for the day.

I tell myself that I need a challenge... I tell myself I need small attainable goals and rewards... I tell myself over and over that I'm perfectly capable of this, and yet here I am, struggling.

I am tired... a lot of the time.

I am unmotivated to do what I know is good for me.

I am whining like a pole-cat in heat (but for different reasons) and it pisses me off to no end to hear this shit comming out of my mouth/fingers...

woe is me

oh woe is me

what a pathtic lump of slovenly crap... at least I'm still going to dragon boat practice... right?

FUCKING HELL NOT RIGHT... there should be no "at least I" statements anywhere in my life. I don't want to settle for "at least I..." and I shouldn't HAVE to settle for "at least I..." This is COMPLETELY fucked up.

*insert primal scream here*

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!

I'm very good at being there emotionally for anyone who needs me but for some godforsaken reason I am completley unable to be there for myself. Too much pressure in my own pot I suppose, but it's just recockulous.

FUCKING HELL!!!

Dare me, challenge me, push me and I respond... I do, I accomplish, I win... but not now... not here... and not alone, and I'm pissed. I am ROYALLY PISSED OFF.

two months I have left... two months and I NEED to drop this 15-20 and it needs to happen now.

This is it. Grocery shopping tonight... prepping for the rest of the week... getting away from the computer and going to the gym RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

ok... I need to make sure I'm not hurting any feelings here...

the post below is protected.

this is the first time I've written a protected post... it probably won't happen often but when it does there is a reason for it.

The one below is about my job primarily but there are some other things in there too... its not fitness related or relationship related or even sex related at all and is primarily a rant that I can't risk getting back to the people I work for/with.

If you have written me for the password and I have not given it to you I want you to understand that it is not personal. I have not given the password to many people... and I won't be giving it to many more than already have it... again, it is absolutely not personal.

I don't write protected posts to annoy anyone or make myself seem mysterious... I'm just not that drama-oriented... its just that I need a safe place to rant once in a while and for now, this is what I've got.

Thanks and again, if you ask and I say no, it is not personal, but do feel free to ask now and even again in the future if I do another protecte post... I may change my mind.

It is spring!

and I am in a fan-fucking-tastic mood today.

Not sure what did it exactly... slept well last night, got word that I'm healthy post-miscariage and we can move forward in a month or so, littlest one is FINALLY potty training himself (I don't believe its a good idea to force a kid to potty train, but now that he's ready he's doing great...) looking forward to my next practice with Zambo... found a GREAT deal on some clearance sheer curtain pannels for my house last night... sneaking off to the Benson hotel with the hubby tonight for a mid-week vacation wile MIL watches the boys (YIPPEE!!!) Getting to work on planting my garden this weekend... YUMMMMMY!!!

Lots and lots of good stuff...

And yet I still haven't done any real exercise. The scale is holding steady at the 170 mark (blah) but I feel like I need to really sit down and schedule my runs/workouts or this is just never going to happen. From the moment I wake until the moment my head hits the pillow I am going... I tried to watch CSI-Miami (TiVo'd)while doing the dishes last night and I think I caught that someone got killed and someone else was a porn star... but other than that I pretty much missed it all.

I tried... REALLY TRIED... to think of the last movie I saw in the theater... I belive it was the Pooh's Heffalump movie... with the kids... before that it was The Incredibles... (are you seeing the pattern yet?)

So tonight is about adult pursuits... coctails, a nice dinner, a quiet bed and a wonderful breakfast before heading off to work... I'm excited... spring is good.

Back in action!

Wow... so many changes, so much to talk about! First of all thank you thank you thank you Renee!!! Renee worked her butt off updating and fixing my site over the last couple of weeks and I'm just SO grateful to her for helping me out!

Now, on to the technical bits:

1. Commenter registration has been activated... what that means is that the first time you wish comment you'll be asked to sign in... once you click on the "sign in" link you'll be directed to the type-key website where you'll need to create an account, if you already have a type-key account just enter your username and password and you'll be good to go. If you don't, you won't be able to comment unless you create one. Type-key is a very reputable service and will not sell your info to spammers. The whole purpose of this is to keep the comment spam to a minimum while allowing all of you to comment freely without me having to moderate the comments full time. I will approve your first comment and from then on you'll be good to go.

2. Protected entries have been created... in the future when I have private stuff that I need an outlet for I may create a password protected entry... if you think you'd like the password, email me and I will decide if I'm comfortable with you having it or not... I may also change the password on occasion, but I will try to let those who have the password already know the new one before hand.

Some formatting things have been tweaked, you can now pull up entries based on the category I've assigned them and I may add more categories as time marches on, but for now I'll stick with what I have.

I am VERY VERY pleased with having these new things implemented, but if you have any problems PLEASE do email me and let me know.

(more about dragon-boating and such later... my arms are about to fall off from typing this entry and they need a break before I get into that!)

HEADS UP!!!

Hey Y'all!!! I know I don't usually post on the weekends, and this weekend will be no exception, but what will be different is that the site will be down for periods of time as some work is being done on it... I'm hoping that we can get commenter registration up and running as well as a couple of other formatting tweaks!

I hope y'all don't mind and I'll see everyone Monday when I update on the noodlearmathon!

About the ring

So I mentioned that I discovered while on our trip to Vegas that I am allergic to platinum and that I can no longer wear my wedding ring because of that allergy. What I didn't mention is that ring is a beautiful, custom made, hand carved platinum band set with 5 diamonds and 5 rubies that I had made by a local jewlery artist more than a year ago. I LOVE THAT RING with every fiber of my being... it is EXACTLY what I wanted... it is well made and beautiful... and now I can't wear it. Jill Nasen (the artist) sat with me, drew it up, carved it out of wax, cast it, helped me pick the stones and set them into the band for me. Did I mention I love this ring? It wasn't overly expensive... but because I had it made specifically for me it carries a lot of significance for me.

I have another wedding ring that I am wearing now tho. When Mike and I decided to spend our lives together we went to the Mall and bought matching white-gold bands... simple, basic, no frills. We took the rings and while riding the escalator up to the second level he put mine on my fingers and said, "I marry you," and I did the same putting his ring on his finger and saying "I marry you," right back. In our minds/lives from that moment we were married and all the legal/religious stuff could be damned.

When we finally got around to making it official and flew off to Vegas I had the real ring made. I wanted to have one made for Mike too, but he wanted to keep the band he had, so he had his and I had mine... only... he forgot to bring his so we had to break a plastic ring off of a key-chain to use for the ceremony. It barely fit on his hand, it didn't match mine at all because it was this gaudy gold plastic and mine was platinum... but it didn't matter.

The problems with the ring started only a couple months into wearing it... the skin under the ring got itchy and kinda scaly and flakey... I looked it up, found "contact dermatitis" and took my ring off for a while to let it heal... from then on I could never wear my ring for more than a couple of days before I had to take it off again for a while to let the skin heal again... eventually over the course of the year the reactions got more and more severe eventually leading to blisters that would burst and reform within hours of putting the ring on.

There is no escaping it... I am allergic to my ring. I don't have many allergies, some mild hay-fever in the sping and fall... but otherwise, nothing really... until now.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do about my beautiful ring... maybe I'll ask Jill to remake it in white-gold... heck... maybe I'll just live with the plain band that I've had since the very begnning... I don't know... we'll see.

getting back up...

So one thing I have learned in the last couple of years is that there is no excuse for not getting back up.

In the interest of full disclosure: whenI got on the scale this morning it said 170.5; tho before the fast it was closer to 175. Yes that is WAY up from my low of 147.5, but I had been hanging out around 155 pretty hapily before the IVF stuff started. I am pretty confident in saying that illness, injury, and injected hormones do not a lean-mean-fighting-machine make. Honestly the extra 15 didn't start creeping on until the hormones started and while I can blame that a bit I was also forbidden from exercising and the REAL reason I gained so much so quickly is that I was eating a HELL of a lot of good, nutritious food, and "pampering" myself in times of emotional crisis with non-nutritive food items... and by "non-nutritive food items" I mean chocolate in all of its luscious, gooey, rich, creamy, delicious and varried forms... because there is NOTHING that sooths the estrogen savage beast like good, high quality, chocolate (and lots of it).

So there they are... 15 extra pounds in about 3-4 months. I don't SEE them so much as I feel them. I do not look now at 170 like I did HERE at 170 and that is a good thing... but my pants are tighter... my boobs bigger (again hormones+fat=bigger boobs)... and its not where I want to be.

I have at least 8 weeks before round two starts, and it is my goal to get rid of this extra 15 before we get there. I don't mind gaining weight for pregnancy... I think its a good and healthy thing to do... but I also want to be in good condition before I get pregnant and to that end I am running again. It is nice out, I have no excuse not to.

Time to bust out the mini i-pod and hit the bricks. I'll also be lifting 3 times a week (using the program Alissa created)... monday/weds/friday will be lifting, running will be every other day of the week... and diet WILL BE recorded in fit-day damnit!!! I've got a day and a half in there now...

join me?

Good day.

I woke up happy today.

Granted I didn't want to get outta bed because it was warm and cosy and snuggly and I was still a little tired because I got to bed very late after watching a movie with my hubby... but for some reason I was just... happy.

I have a followup with the doctor next week to make sure I'm ok, but I'm feeling good, and am excited to move on to our next phase.

Fitness wise I spent SO much of the weekend outside, but I ate for crap, so I know I'm bloated back up a bit again. I'm back on track this morning, did a lot of prep-cooking this weekend and I'm having a FANTASTIC taco salad (romaine, 4% lean ground beef taco meat) 1oz cheese and salsa for lunch... had eggs and turkey bacon for breakfast and I'm excited to get home and cook up some teriyaki chicken with veggies (for me) and rice (for the fam). I'm going to take a brisk walk this afternoon as well for at least 45 minutes and I'll be jumping back into the weights routine tomorrow morning.

Oh... and I signed up for a knitting class for the next four saturdays. I knit now, but this will be a more advance project than I have done in the past, so hopefully it will be challenging and fun. Wish me luck!

Fasting done.

6lbs in 3 days is not an unusual loss for a fast, but I had to cut it short yesterday and begin eating around 3pm so I wasn't quite at the 72 hours, but it was close. The reason I stopped the fast is that I began the miscariage process and I know that its not a good idea to be fasting during somthing of that nature. I had actually hoped that the fasting would bring on the miscariage tho whether it "worked" or not is really irrelevant... it was going to happen one way or another and if a juice fast helped to move things along then I'm glad it did.

So here I am, back on track diet wise... I'll be in the gym on monday and hopefully outside playing all weekend long. I've pulled the bike down off the wall of the garage and I'm ready to go for a spin or two... I miss being outside, winter sucks ass that way. Outdoor exercise is so much more satisfying to me.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone.

Several things...

If anyone invites you to road-trip from Washington State to Las Vegas... think LONG and HARD about how much you really want to go to Vegas before you commit. 18-20 hours of driving (each way) is a lot... a whole hell of a lot.

It turns out I am allergic to platinum... which makes wearing my wedding ring just about impossible.

Vegas is a VERY easy town to learn to get around in... but a very BAD town to actually get around in... traffic ALWAYS sucks.

I'm glad I took an extra day of vacation after we got home from our vacation because I needed it to recover.

For now my plan of action is this:

I'm currently in day 2 of a 3 day juice fast. This is a cleansing fast designed to flush toxins and such from my body... this is not somthing one should ever do for weight loss because while you will lose weight, it is nearly 100% water and will return VERY shortly post fast... it is, however, a very good thing to do in order to detox once in a while.

On Friday I'll be back on plan diet and exercise wise (exercising during a fast is contra-indicated). High protein, low carb and zero refined sugars is the plan... lots of veggies and fruits for healthy carbs tho. Then its back to the high volume plan that Alissa laid out for me all those weeks ago.

I have until May/June to get myself back to pre-hormone saturation fitness and that's the direction I'll head for now.

Hope all are well and healthy.

learning to keep my damned mouth shut

So here's the thing...

I'm going to miscarry this pregnancy... there's no nice or happy or easy or flowery way to say it. At the ultrasound today (8weeks and 4 days gestation) we should have seen a 13-16mm long twitching little baby with cardiac activity (that's a heartbeat)... but we did not. We saw an amniotic sac measuring at 5 weeks and 3 days... and that's about it. No growth, no baby, no heartbeat... just... nothing.

I have been instructed to stop all of my medications but I'm pretty effectively self-medicating with some Boujolais Villages (infinitely drinkable red wine).

Someday I will just learn to keep my damned mouth shut.

The thing of it is, that even tho this wasn't my baby... it still hurts... a lot. I am torn up inside... everyone, the doctor, the guys, even the embryologist told me it was completely out of my control... there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome, and I truly believe them. I gave it my all... did intramuscular shots and multiple pills every day and gave every spare joule of energy I had to making this baby happen but I had no control. I have no control. And so I hurt... I hurt for the lost potential... I hurt for the guys and the hope they had... I hurt for their sister who donated the eggs that could have grown into a baby but for some reason just couldn't keep growing.

I hurt... and I want to break down and cry...

but my life doesn't stop for this and right now I have children to love and feed and tend, and a job to do and a husband to honor and nurture and a self that needs some pretty decent nurturing too...

So tonight... over another glass of wine... I will break down... and it will come out... and the hurt will come out of me in great heaving sobs and it will be cathartic and we will move on and try again in a couple of months... and then maybe I'll be pregnant for good.

I'm sorry to lay this all out before I'm about to take off for a week... but it will be good for me to get away for a while as well... take care all, and thank you in advance for all of your support.

no more waiting

I am seriously ready for this weekend.

I am tired, I am bitchy and all of a sudden it has been mandated by some higher power that I get to be blechy feeling and have zero appetite.

Hello hormones.

I don't know if I've mentioned it like a thousand times before this, but I am the proud driver of a 2004 Mini Cooper S... jet black... Oliva and I have decided to take the hubby on a trip to Las Vegas next week to meet up with a couple hundred other Mini Cooper owners to hang out, raise money for charity (Autism Society) and drive around in the desert a bit... so from Next Tuesday until the 8th I will not be here. But when I get back... oh the photos you will be subjected to against your will!!!

This is where we're going

I'll have more to update on Monday... but for now I just want to go home and sleep.

and maybe eat some chocolate... but since there's like... white chocolate chips... and pretty much nothing else in the house that may have to be put off for a while.

*sigh*

grr...

having a hard time comming up with the words I need to say what I want to say...

give me some time... I'll figure it out... there's news, good stuff... just lots of information and explination behind the news that keeps ending up like a novel.

*sigh*

TEA!!!

I got my tea.

I got my tea-pot.

can I just say... if you have not tried adagio teas and you are ANY sort of tea drinker... you are MISSING OUT!!!

First of all the single-cup teapot is completely ingenious and works FABULOUSLY, rinses right out and is ready for your next cup of tea...

BUT, more important than the pot is the tea itself. They sent me 4 sample tins of tea and I tried a green-citrus last night.

HOLY CRAP. First of all the flavor (and aroma) are fabulous... I think I over steeped a little tho because it was just slightly bitter, which was easily corrected with a teaspoon of honey... but as the tea bloomed in the hot water I could see the whole leaves opening... this is no chopped up bits from the cutting floor people this is DAMNED GOOD TEA.

OK... enough of my diatribe about adagio... but I mean hey, all I had to do was put their little button here and they sent me AWESOME free stuff... least I can do is give an honest assessment of what I think of their products right?

Can't wait to try one of the other teas they sent tonight!

Ok... I'm done, really... promise.

BACK TO FITNESS. It was GORGEOUS out yesterday so I went for a 35 minute brisk walk rather than going over to the gym... it was sunny, cold, kinda windy, but gorgeous. I kept my heartrate around 140 (so aerobic, but not overly so) and it was awesome. I came inside feeling totally rejuvinated. Sun in the winter in the pacific northwest is a rarity, so getting to take advantage of it really lifts the spirits... or at least it really lifts MY spirits.

Have a fabulous Thursday everyone!

Once again...

I've done well tracking my food thusfar today. No exercise to speak of, but I'm not really going to care about it. Next PT appointment needs to be made tho... and I really should do my stretches.

I'll get them in tonight.

right now I just want to sleep.

As usual, when in a funk and fog you all are the light-house beacons that draw me safely to shore! So THANK YOU!!! I do have determination, I do have drive and I am a healthy and fit person who LOVES to challenge herself, so what I really need to do is to look at this as another challenge... not a "How fast can I get my neck/back back in shape" type challenge, but a "how strong and resiliant can I make these previously injured parts of my body" type of challenge... a "how long can I go without re-injuring myself" type of challenge... a "let this be the very last weekend I ever have to spend flat on my back" type of challenge.

So there you have it... therapeutic stretches tonight, and cardio of some sort tomorrow morning.

Now if I could just get rid of this damned persistant heartburn I'd be in damned fine shape!

stress level dropping.

Taxes are done and due to some stupidity on my part and the sale of our rental property to the tenants that were occupying it we owe an ass load of money (think more than 10 grand). The good thing is that we put away most of the money from the sale so we can pay the tax bill without any hardship, but it still sucks ass... needless to say some W4 issues have been corrected, and since we have no further properties to sell, this WON'T be happening again in the future...

Man it was nice to have that money in the bank for a while tho. *sigh*

Needless to say this was one of the many things stressing me out last week and my neck ended up seizing up right around Friday. I spent most of the weekend on my back with heat on my neck... PT and chiro both say "NO LIFTING" for another couple of weeks... and honestly I just don't care anymore. I injured my neck initially in highschool when I was rear-ended by a cop (long story, nevermind). And it has been acting up more and more frequently as of late.

I am SICK of being sick.

I am SICK of being injured.

I am SICK TO DEATH of feeling like my next move could land me in the ground or the wheelchair.

So that's it... I'm done with lifting for at least a month. PT and chiro and cardio will be my mantra and while I HATE HATE HATE that I have to do this, I HAVE HAVE HAVE to do this more than I hate it, so there ya have it.

I feel like I'm making excuses... ya know? I've been at this fitness thing for going on 2.5 years now and yet these last 6-8 months have been the least-healthy I can remember.

I've been injured (repeatedly)... I've been sick (also repeatedly) and its become painfully clear to me (FINALLY) that its somthing I'm doing wrong that is causing this. SO... I have to quit it. I have to quit guilting myself into working out when I shouldn't... I have to quit skipping sleep when I need it. I HAVE TO get back to logging my food.

So for the next couple of months those are my goals...

1. Log food daily.
2. Do my PT
3. Cardio for health and endurance.

I'm sorry if I sound like a downer, but refocusing is NOT one of my strengths... I'll get thru it... but it may get ugly every now and then.

can't have a blank page

I just HATE it when a blog goes blank due to inactivity, so while I'm somewhere between planning for our road-trip to Vegas and helping my son do his valentines for school, and potty training the younger son, and getting the house to a presentable state for the poker night my hubby is having and etc... I thought I'd pop in and post...

I haven't excercised at ALL this week... I have eaten incredibly well tho, so that makes me happy... plenty of protein, not a lot of junk (tho I did have a Starbucks Chantico last night and can I just say... YUM!) and tons of veggies.

Hope everyone is hanging tough... why is spring like this every year?

UGH!

Hiatus

Taking a brief hiatus... I should be back next Monday or so... I'm just very very busy.

No worries, see ya later.

Ok... I love my little sister too...

My sister just did the coolest thing.

She bought a milk-goat for a needy family in my honor.

My sister rocks! Check it out:

Heifer International

I love my mother

My mother taught me to cook huge wholesome meals for large groups of people. I can make a lasagne from scratch that will knock your socks off, I can slow-cook a roast and stir-fry chicken and veggies to near perfection. I know how to steam, boil, sautee, bake, broil and fry all sorts of foods with all sorts of spices to create meals my family will eat. My mother taught me that you don't need a recipie to cook... you just need good ingredients and taste.

My mother instilled in me a taste for whole-wheat bread because the white crap never came thru our doors unless it was mixed, kneeded and baked by her hand into fresh crispy french loaves to be eaten alongside the afore-mentioned lasagne (made with whole-wheat noodles and cottage-cheese instead of ricotta). She gave me a taste for honey instead of white-sugar as a sweetener. She kept the salt shaker off of our dinner table. She made ice-water a fancy drink in a glass pitcher that we got to have with dinner every night... she fed me vegitables. Two kinds... salad and a cooked veggie every night... and I ate them, every night... even when it was peas, which I hated. She tried (in vain) to convince me that carrob was chocolate (HA!) and she made it very clear that desert was for special occasions, not nightly indulgences.

My mother made weekend family breakfast a special event... with egg-soufles and sweedish pancakes... she never forced us to clean our plates although we often did... she fed us the fish that was (and is) abundant in Alaska... halibut and salmon that she and my father would catch every summer. My mother, to this day, hand fillets, brines, smokes and hand-cans salmon every summer to send to her kids, friends and relatives around the world.

My mother loved us with food... but it was never a reward or a consolation. There were no cookies for scraped knees or ice-cream for cleaning our rooms. She filled our bodies and brains with nutrition (and there were FIVE of us to fill) and used her words and actions for the emotional filling.

I love my mother... she gave me a strong and solid base from which to build... I just strayed from the path for a while.

Leg workout this morning with Alissa who is a goddess in blue jeans (especially the ones she can wear now that she hasn't worn in a year... HELL YEAH!).

good things are rollin in... lots to learn, nutrition is the new obsession... (as you can see below)... advice and tips are ALWAYS appreciated.

WhooDogie!

Well, that was interesting.

I'm still nasaly, sinusy, coughing up some of the nastyness that invaded my respiratory system, but all in all I feel no worse for the wear.

Thanks everyone for the healing wishes and vibes.

I won't rant about the flu vaccine shortage or anything like that because even if my family COULD have gotten it, I wouldn't have (there are plenty of people in MUCH greater need than we ever will be and our immune systmes are better off for having fought it themselves, and who knows if this particular strain would have been covered...). In any case, I am feeling MUCH better today.

So... I am trying to calculate when my two weeks of "restriction" is up and I'm fairly certain it was on Friday, so it's back to the gym for me this week folks... aren't you excited? I know I am!!!

I got the most FABULOUS phone call this weekend tho... my younger sister Meghan is PREGNANT!!! YIPPEE!!! She was always the jock of our family and has consistantly been in the best physical shape of all of us sisters, and now she's going to have a baby and a fit-pregnancy and I think that's just awesome.

So... I'll report back post cardio today... don't worry, I'll still be taking it easy... but not TOO easy!

cheers!

I've got it...

seems milder for me than for the rest of the family thus far...

coughing and phlegm but not a huge fever yet.

wish me luck.

OJ and rest are on my menu.

My House is a Cespool of Infection

The Flu has come to my house.

It started with my First Grader who brought it home from school two weeks ago... he was out of school for a week (because I am NOT one of those parents who sends their kid to school coughing and sick to infect the rest of the damned class hoping no-one will notice) with fevers up to 104.5... he said, "I feel like I'm so sick I'm going to die." So I busted out the childrens Motrin and he slept it off (mostly)... I generally don't treat children's fevers unless they get over 104, and then we start by stripping, bathing, etc before we go for the meds (fevers are there for a reason, after all)... but if they can't rest because they're so uncomfortable, then meds it is.

Then Hubby got hit Thursday night... and since he's the biggest boy of them all, caring for him has been quite a challenge... he's been laid up for going on 5 days now and is starting to feel better (seems this is a shorter lived Flu than most)... weak, but no fever and the coughing has calmed down... so definitely better.

The darling cherub that is my 2.5 year old spiked his fever starting Saturday night... he woke up crying, flushed and at 104 degrees. Again with the children's motrin (and no, I will not use Tylenol, and I'm a stickler for dosages and time frames) to help him sleep. Didn't medicate much on Sunday until he spiked up to over 105 in the afternoon, motrin brought it down again, and this morning at 6am he was up again asking for his soda... and hovering in the 104.5 range... poor kid.

So far I have managed to avoid infection... I walk around the house with a Lysol-disinfecting-wipe in my hand and wipe off everything they touch... I don't know how long I'll last... but I kicked hubby outta the bedroom when he was coughing a lot, and I'm feeling good about our survival rate so far.

Oh... and then the dog found somthing dead to roll in yesterday so I had to get an emergency appointment with the groomer for him to get bathed because he's too big for me to wrestle into the tub, and DH was sick, and I still haven't gone out to see if whatever it was is still out there and if he ate it or just rolled in it... sounds like a de-worming trip to the vet will probably be on order here too... *sigh*

Nurse Brenna is at your service...

all about ME ME ME!!!

Ok... yes, I will admit I have been intentionally vague about my reasons for the doctors visits and my limited activity and while I apologize for not providing more info, I am not yet ready to go into it here, so I hope you all can be patient and allow me to talk about it in my own time.

The truth of the matter is that while I do share a LOT of what goes on in my daily life here, there are parts of my life that are intensely private for me and which I just don't discuss outside a VERY small group of IRL friends, and this is NOT meant as an offense to any of you... its just very personal stuff, KWIM? I hope at some point to be able to share these things, but for now... I'm just not ready.

I will tell you that there are no life threatening conditions going on... I am simply slightly incapacitated and have been told to limit my activities for a while in an effort to contain the issue now.

As for the walking... being in Portland right now has been pretty damned nice. The weather is gorgeous, warm, sunny, and unseasonably dry... yes I KNOW we're in like the 4th year of a drought, but honestly, I don't need a green lawn if I can have a few sunny days every winter. So walking it is.

Joy and happiness to y'all this weekend... stay active and livestrong!

The Ice Storm that Ate Portland

but did absolutely nothing to my neck of the woods, just north of that thar city.

What sucks ever lovin' ass tho is the freakin piles of gravel we get to drive thru now that everything has melted... SUCK ASS... and I do mean that, in the least polite way possible... like with jam or somthing.

In any case, due to the ice storm (ok, so there was a LITTLE ice around my place) we didn't get out over the long weekend... in fact by Monday I was so stir crazy that I insisted I be allowed to LEAVE THE HOUSE ALONE for several hours and it was very therapeutic. Bought some new yarn (cheep stuff) to make my first baby blanket with.... should be interesting... and generally farted around. The good yarn shop wasn't open (hooray for MLKJDAY) so I had to settle for Michaels.

What all this boils down to is four straight days of decent food but zero exercise. Bah... and with my dr. appt. today I"ll be adding 2 more (at least) on top of it.

I should be back to walking by Thursday and Friday and then on the wagon for weights by next Tuesday... but again, we'll have to see how it goes.

More as time and energy permit!

Late post

it is cold

very very very cold

I live in the pacific northwest for a reason... I can handle rain, I'll take rain any day over bitter biting cold.

But today it is cold.

today all I want to do is curl up under a big down comforter and watch tv.

and tomorrow...

tomorrow it may

just

SNOW!!!!

The ONLY thing (other than the permanent fund dividend checks every year) that I miss about Alaska is the snow.

Some years it would fall to depths that would have covered me over my head had I gotten off of the groomed skiing/snowboarding runs at the local ski-resort.

I love snow

Snow means sledding and snowball fights and snow-forts, and jumping off the deck, and then comming inside for real hot-cocoa... made from real milk.

nostalgia just may get the best of me this weekend.

and that's... ok by me.

I am sore today, less so than I would have expected, and my cardio suffered for it... Monday will be better. it has to.

morphology

very busy... morphing morphing morphing...

so much to do

less ability to verbalize it all than I would like.

more to come.

Livestrong

If you haven't checked out the Livestrong foundation perhaps you should.

As a fundraising tool the Livestrong foundation sells yellow plastic bracelets for 1$. I currently have 15 in my posession that I would be happy to mail out to the first 15 people who email me with their mailing address at no cost to you. I bought 20 and have a use for 5. These bracelets can be hard to find and are in fairly high demand, but you can order quantites for yourself or your place of business or organization from the livestrong website as well.

The email-me link is in the left column.

I am doing well... this is a busy month for me at work and at home. I am trying to get my son back into TKD since we paid for an entire year which isn't up until March... but I'm affraid he just isn't interested much anymore and I refuse to force a child to participate in an activity he has no love for.

I am also trying to complete my first knitting project that I am making for myself, a cashmere and angora ribbed scarf which I would love to have done right now since its been FREAKING COLD around here lately (mid-low 20s at night and barely breaking 40 at mid-day).

Of course there are other things going on too... new exercise plans... projects... work... back to school... potty training the 2.5 year old (maybe? hopefully? finally?). And I still need to send the family portrait to my folks in Alaska... *sigh*

Today is long cardio day and I just don't wanna do it. It will be an afternoon workout, so I'll post when its done... don't wanna != not gonna!

Happy New Year

RESOLUTIONS for 2004:
1. Spend less time worrying about what will be and more time just being.
I believe I accomplished this one.

2. Spend more time reading to my children.
Done - 30-60 minutes just about every night!

3. Work hard every week toward my new fitness goals.
Except when sick - done!

4. Love on my hubby on a daily basis (by love on I mean praise and appreciate... its good for the boy-ego).
I'll have to check with him to see if there was an effect, but I will count this one as done.

5. Remeber the lessons of Martin Buber (he's a philosopher, if you want to know: google) and work to eliminate the I-It relationships in my daily life and replace them with I-Thou relationships.
Again... done.

FITNESS GOALS for 2004:
1. Get my bodyfat under 20%. This didn't happen... but my lowest reading of 21% was pretty damned close if you ask me.

2. Do one pull up (If that is accomplished before June, then do 5 in succession by December). Done - but only 1 in the August/September timeframe.

3. Deadlift REPS at 1.5x bodyweight (ie. 10 reps)
This did not happen... goals changed... but that's ok, I've still got somthing to shoot for this year.

4. Run a 1/2 Marathon... (still debating this one)
Nope... signed up, trained, got sick... suck.

5. Compete in 2 triathlons.
Also a No-Go. Having the one that I really wanted to do get canceled threw me off, but it is entirely my responsibility for not getting back on the horse.

6. Do 30 pushups on toes in succession. (boy pushups)
Done.

Theres my recap of the goals for this year... I have maintained a 45lb weight loss for about a year now. I still have more fat I want to loose and more muscle I want to gain... but I need to take some time thinking about my fitness goals for this year as reality has shifted a bit for me this year and I'll have other things to take into account as I move forward in my fitness.

I hope everyone had a safe and happy new year holiday. I had a fabulous anniversary (tho no gift yet... hmmm....) and a wonderful stay at home new-year... kissed my hubby full on the lips as the clock changed over in our little portion of the country and remembered just how lucky I am to be who I am and where I am in this life.

There is no time like the present to take that first step forward... today, do somthing TODAY for your health... for your wellbeing... for your fitness... for your future... and if you don't think you deserve it, you're fooling yourself.

ACK and Happy Anniversary to ME!

Didn't update yesterday (whoops!) but I've been so proud of my eating you wouldn't believe it! Only non-healthy thing I ate yesterday was ONE hershey's miniature (yeah... that's right... just one.) Didn't workout yesterday tho due to the fact that I conveniently forgot that today is my wedding anniversary and had neglected to buy my hubby a gift.

I have been planning this gift for a while... I knew what I wanted to get in a categorical sense, but not the specific item. So I spent the lunch hour shopping but didn't find the right one... went shopping after work and after FOUR stores FINALLY found one that met my qualifications and standards and was pretty nifty too... luckily it was also on sale.

So today my hubby is the proud owner of a very classy and not overly busy Citizen eco-drive watch. The last nice watch he had ended up in the garbage disposal (thanks to a then 3.5 year old terror who is now a very wonderful 6.5 year old child). It has roman numerals and a blue (but not that super popular hyper-shiny electric blue) face. Stainless steel band and casing with some brushed stainless accents. It is very classy if I do say so myself.

I think he's panicking now on my gift tho.

;)

(leave it to me to set the anniversary gift bar VERY VERY high!)

Today is leg day today is leg day!!!!

Giving

Sorry I didn't update on the workout Friday... it was TOUGH and I ended up only making it for 10 minutes on the rower and finished up my HIIT on the eliptical. Overall a very challenging workout.

TODAY, however... I have somthing more important to write about.

I am trying to instill into my kids the spirit of the holiday season and the importance of helping each other and giving to those less fortunate. Usually we do an angel tree and toys for tots and things like that... this year, in addition we'll be sending care packages to a squadron of the A company of the 386th Engineering Batallion stationed in Iraq.

I am not a Bush supporter. I do not agree with the war we are waging nor the politics that got us there... but the truth of the matter is that there are many men and women over in Iraq who do not have the loving support of a family at home. A lot of those "less fortunate" families we give presents to every Christmas are the same families whose sons and daughters join up right out of highschool in the hopes of earning enough money to go to college and better them selves to break the cycle of poverty that they've come from. So we'll be packing up a couple of boxes with books, DVDs, goodies from home, pictures of the US, drawings, ornaments, etc etc... and sending them to Iraq.

If you would also like to send a care package to this same squad (The squad commander has just requested mail for his team, but non-perrishable goodies (tho home-made is not allowed... and plain chocolate melts but m-n-ms are good), books, dvds, music cds, toiletries (eye drops and lip balm are highly requested) etc... would really make their day ) please keep the boxes small (less than 100 inches of length+girth... ) and send them to:

Spc. Michael Travino
A co. 386 ENG BN
Camp Caldwell, Iraq
APO AE 09374

Send packages Priority US mail... or they probably won't get there. If you enclose a letter I'd wager they'll write back.

If you'd like to find your own soldier or squad to support, please take a look at the MANY websites set up to get this info out to the public... there is a very good list here: http://www.defendamerica.mil/support_troops.html

I don't plan to stop participating in the charities I support here at home, but I'm adding this to the list... its not expensive, and it will make a difference.

ok... I'll step off the soapbox now.

TREE!!!

We got a TRISMAS TREE!!! Yippee!!! It's been about 3 years since we've had a real x-mas tree. We have a crappy $100 fake one... but I just couldn't bear looking at it as I tried to put it together this year. It was abismal, and horrible... and I bannished it to the closet from whence it came, and the boys and I piled into the truck and bought a Noble Fir and brought it home and filled the house with the scent of Firry goodness!

With my custody arrangement with Val's dad we alternate holidays, and Val is home with us for Christmas this year, and damnit all if I'm not going to have a real tree for him! (and me).

So unless you count a very spirited game of zerbert-tag with the boys on Sunday there was no exercise to be found... so technically I missed a workout last week. I decided that yeah... I missed it, but its not the end of the world, and I can do some extra cardio this week just to mollify my internal demons. Workout this morning was GOOD!

Lat Pull - 3x10@#60#
Seated Row - 3x10@60#
Hypes - 3x10 w/5# plate
Upright Row - 3x10@10#dbs
Hammer Curl to failure - 20+9@10#dbs
Lat Stretch Down - 3@60#
10 minute HIIT on eliptical - 1m warmup, 8m 30/30 sec intervals, 1m cool

Tonight is my VERY LAST Anatomy and Physiology class... I don't have to take the test because of my high A average... (whee!!!) we're having a potlach... wish me dietary will-power!

Oh... and all hail Mama Molly's Sport-Caught, Home Cured - Smoked and Canned, Wild Alaskan Silver Salmon (YUMMMMMM!!!!)

hangover

You know it was a good date when you're hungover the next morning.

no workout... I'll make it up on sunday.

my legs STILL hurt... hooray for LEG DAY!!!

werk sucks the life from every cell of my body.

-have a great weekend all!

the rosy ass crack of dawn

came earlier than expected this morning. Which is not to say that i didn't get adequate sleep, because for once I set myself a bed-time and I stuck to it! (9:30 pm if anyone cares) and I actually awoke spontaniously at 3:15am when hubby usually gets home from work to hear him puttering around downstairs (which he does before comming to bed so he doesn't squirm all over and wake me up as he's winding down)... and then promptly fell back asleep. I allowed myself one hit off the crack-pipe that is the 8 minute snooze button and then hauled my sorry ass outta bed... and it felt VERY early indeed.

Threw a piece of whole wheat toast with about 1/2 tbs of peanut butter (had to improvise because I wasn't able to get to the store for eggwhites and such last night) and a scoop of Champion Nutrition Pure Whey (chocolate of course) down my throat and headed out the door... somehow it still took me half an hour to get from bed to car... I swear sometimes I live in the center of a space/time vortex. Must do more night-before prep tonight.

gym was busier than I expected for 6am. Did the PUSH workout:
Shoulder Press 3x10 - 15#dbs
Bench Press 3x10 - 20#dbs
incline flye 3x10 - 15#dbs
Shoulder Death (tm) 3x8 - 5#dbs
Pushups to fail - 25+4
Flye weighted stretch down - 5#dbs (these felt good)
Swiss ball crunches - 30 flat, 50 oblique, 15 high flat (basically a top half crunch on ball never returning to full down), 15 high oblique.

Drying my hair post workout was a bit challenging to say the least.

Suckin on my protein (in about 6oz skim milk lest someone gets the impression I spoon the drystuff right into my mouth) and 2 sm. tangerines... YUM! Oh... and as a tribute to Jim - Tazo Refresh tea (thats mint for anyone who hasn't tried it.) oversteeped with 1/2 packet of splenda.

Anyone think they can do this challenge with me? I dare ya to keep up.

apathy

its hard to break this cycle now that it is deeply ingrained in my daily life...

stay up too late, wake up too late, rush to work, short lunch because I was late to work, get home, scarf food, kids activities, kids to bed, decompress infront of the TV... sleep.

Oh... I also discovered (realized... woke up?) that I'm pretty severely dehydrated. I thought I was hungry last night until I stopped and thought back over the day and realized that the only water I'd consumed was to swallow my pill that morning... and its been that way since the hospital... possibly even before.

I've fallen back into care-taker mode. Thinking constantly about what hubby can and can't eat and what we can do to try to prevent future "flare ups" of the disease... trying to potty train a 3 year old and keep up with a 6 year old... etc... etc... the problem (and there is always a problem with single mindedness) is that in being a care-taker I let go of my self-care. I am suffering. My fitness is suffering. I am exhausted so much of the time and yet I haven't broken the cycle.

I have no excuse. I simply have not done it.

I tell people who come to me for advice that they must take care of themselves first in order to be able to care for their families, passions, jobs, whatever. I tell them that a happy healthy person makes a much better partner, lover, wife, husband, employee, manager, business owner, parent, whatever. I have the knowledge, I help others to find it in themselves...

maybe I just need a mirror.

Someone to tell me.

tell me, please?

weekend...

I spent a lot of time this weekend getting things in order.

Papers, bills, insurance, financials... etc... but also my kitchen cabinets, the boys toy-room, some sewing/knitting stuff...

Getting things in order makes me feel GOOD. It makes me feel like I've accomplished somthing worthwhile... it removes unwanted and unnecessary stress from my life.

This is also why I love my housecleaners. My housecleaners do the work that I don't have time to do and that my hubby doesn't want to do (can't blame him... floors and bathrooms are probably the least rewarding jobs in the household)... and free me up from the guilt and stress of feeling like I should be cleaning somthing which allows me to accomplish TASKS... Tasks which have been on my to-do list from days to months to even years... maybe I'll even get photos into all of those frames I bought last year... we'll see.

The weekend ended up being fairly satisfactory for me... I made pate a choux for the first time but didnt' bake the puffs long enough and they collapsed (suck!)... I started my Christmas list... I have 2.5 presents left to make and about 10 left to buy... then comes the shipping. I love shipping (ugh!). And my hubby pretty much finished the gorgeous wood shoe-shelf (it looks like stair-steps, its really cool) he has been building for our entry way.

Time to make more lists - #1 is work out tomorrow morning. Sometimes goals gotta make the lists too.

Moments of Clarity

They happen fairly rarely for me these days.

Seems I'm too busy, too stressed, too pressured by myself and my life to be perfect, just right, constantly improving. That kind of pressure can make it very difficult to find any clarity at all...

Yesterday I didn't leave my house and never got out of my jammies (which I don't wear to actually sleep... just to lounge around the house in) except to shower. I knitted. I paid homage to the high-holy game that occupies the Sundays of so very many americans... and both my teams won (Seahawks and Packers)... in the last moments of the games no less... I snuggled with my babies and with my hubby. I didn't clean (much). I did my A&P homework (barely) and stayed up late watching world-poker-tour with my hubby... (we each picked a player to win... if our player lost we had to give the other person backrubs and then pick a new player... I lost first, but then won... and my second guy was the final winner earning me double backrubs!!! HOORAY!). I fell asleep easily and woke up on time.

And somehow all of this worked. It worked so well that it created a very nice moment of clarity when I was driving in to work this morning... and the clarity was just this:

It doesn't matter. Yesterday was GREAT, close to perfection even, and it wasn't because I ate perfectly or had a fabulous workout, or dropped a pound on the scale (none of which happened). It was great because I spent all of my time doing things that were fulfilling to me. That is not to say that working out is not fulfilling to me, because it is... but its not the ONLY thing in the world that gives me this buzz... because I have it this morning, you know that buzz... the one that comes after you've had a REALLY great workout and your skin just sort of tingles and your brain is on overdrive and you're STARVING? I feel that right now and I didn't have to go to the gym to get it.

So those worries about the white-low-fiber foods that will be occupying a mainstay of my spouses diet for a while? They don't matter. Neither do those extra couple of pounds on the scale. They absolutely don't. Because there are people who would kill for my body at 148 lbs and there are people who would kill for my body at 165lbs... and I refuse to be one of them. It doesn't matter. Killing myself for a number and focusing all of my time and energy on it is completely and totally counter productive and would have eliminated the joy that was yesterday for me... I would have been stressed to plan all of my meals, to find a way to exercise... to do somthing OTHER than what I really wanted to do. So none of it matters.

Ballance matters. Yes, I lost 45 lbs, so what? Right here and now I declare my indepenance from the numbers... they don't matter. Keeping my hubby from being in excruciating pain for days at a time? That matters.

I am happy. I have my family. I have my health... and THOSE are what matter.

Am I changing my workout goals? Hell no... but you will probably see me write more about life in general in addition to my workouts and such as I move forward and try to keep this clarity that I've found. If you enjoy it, great! If not... oh well... because this is me... in all of my ups and downs.

binding off

when you knit somthing you start the project by "casting on" several stitches to your first knitting needle. When you are finished you "bind off" creating a secure edge for your blanket, scarf, sweater, bag, whatever... today Mike's IV line decided to bind off.

By that I mean he just called me because he's pissed that they want to put more antibiotics into him but left his IV port unused for several hours and it clotted over and is completely unuseable now. He's been poked and prodded so many times now (CBCs every 8 hours because his white counts were high in the ER, blood sugars every 3 hours because those were high (140) when he had his first blood draw (they've been 102-106 ever since). Samples of just about every other bodily excretion have also been taken... and he's tired of it.

His body decided it had enough and pretty effectively bound-off that line.

Crohn's is pretty much the given diagnosis at this point. Just need to figure out how to deal with it. Yes there are many main-stream medicines that tend to keep it in remission for a while... but most stop working over time. The research I've done seems to indicate that there are dietary things that can be done as well... we're also looking into accupuncture, homeopathy and herbal and probiotic support of the gut.

As for me? well... I'm tired. I'm stressed... I am burning a lot of nervous energy cleaning my house... but this is hard. We have no family close to call uppon... we don't even have a regular babysitter that we can call. I'm supposed to get my hair cut tomorrow... and that was going to happen on my lunch break from work. Its hard to be this alone in the world... I don't want to go to bed because I know he won't be there when I wake up... even working oposite schedules I always know that if he isn't there when I go to bed he will be by the time I wake up... I'm such a wuss... its only been 1 night so far.

I'm tired

I'm very worried

I'm vulnerable

and I'm tired.

Thanks for the comments and support... I can't tell you how much it means to me... to us... thank you.

side effects...

after hubby got the good stuff last night (dilaudid, 1ml) he told me I was pretty.

;)

didn't sleep much

I guess the GI doc already saw him this morning... hadn't seen his films yet tho, so depending on where the inflamation is they may or may not do a scoping process to get a look at it...

He can have clear fluids now.

If no "procedure" needs to be done he'll come home tonight... as long as they can keep the pain/inflamation under control... otherwise... its tomorrow at the earliest.

Update

Nothing by mouth for at LEAST 24 hours.

Contrast CAT scan showed VERY irritated intestinal lining... very swolen.

Dilaudid for the pain (yay!)

IV fluids.

He's there overnight until GI doc can see him tomorrow at the earliest.

The words, "possibly chron's" were thrown around.

I settled for a lite beer (I'm such a wuss).

Tequila

I could use a drink folks.

I worried myself sick (literally) this morning.

My hubby is currently in the hospital (again) for a possible bowel obstruction or apendicitis, or hell... gall bladder disease/stones or pancreatitis... you know, what ever...

When I left (had to pick up kids from school) he was drinking contrast dye for a cat-scan.

I am NOT thrilled.

I have tequila, limes, sweet-n-sour and limes... I know I'm missing the cointreau, but damnit... when a girl needs a drink, a girl needs a drink... after she gets back from the hospital.

ugh!

I love this photo

I only hope it's real! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

love shack

disapointing day on the fitness side of the world.

Hubby was sick all night (actually has been sick since Saturday, but it became ACUTE last night) so there was very little sleep to be had, and finally after convincing him to call the insurance nurse-line we headed to the hospital. Acute abdominal pain can mean a lot of things, one of which is appendicits... this time we got off easy with a partial bowel obstruction to whit he will be following up with a GI doctor tomorrow... luckily the drugs of choice have made him more comfortable and I'm anticipating actual sleep tonight.

Long story short - no exercise. 4 hours in a hospital which included such indulgences as 2 oreo cookies, a handfull of goldfish and about 10 peanut m-n-m's... I was STARVING by the time I got home.

I believe I salvaged the day with protein powder and a huge salad with roasted turkey breast (home-made)... but still, ugh! The glucose crash was horrible and I still have a bit of a headache.

Tomorrow is upper body tho, and I'm definitely excited about that.

I am a doctors worst nightmare...

I question EVERYTHING. I research words they use that I don't understand until I do, and I find second and third opinions necessary even for a common ear infection. I am, truthfully, a doctors worst nightmare.

But not this time.

I SUCK at being sedentary. I did situps and crunches while watching tv last night, no raised pulse, no sweat... just a little tiny exertion in the abdominal region... but I shouldn't have.

There are things going on in my life that I don't write about here... and no, not relationship things because those have been great... but I am participating in somthing that is bigger than me, and because of my voluntary obligations to this project it is imperative that I am healthy... and soon. So I need help.

I need things to do to occupy my time... I should pick my knitting back up... the neighbor's baby is going to be born any day and I still haven't finished her blanket... I could read, but I don't have any good books on deck as I've been away from the literary world for so long that I don't even know where to start (recommendations are welcome!)... any other ideas? Bueller? Bueller?

Knowing why I'm sick is also empowering for me. I've tapped into the knowledge of my friend Alissa and her mother the herbalist. My other herbalist friend, Rebecca is supporting me too. I'm dedicating myself these next two weeks to the pursuit of antioxidants and vitamins in my diet. That means LOTS and LOTS of organic fruits and veggies (I just had an organic banana and a chocolate whey-protein shake for breakfast)... organic meats and dairy as well. Chemicals be-gone, my immune system needs you not! Any other suggestions for supporting my body are superbly appreciated.

I am usually a doctor's worst nightmare, but not this time.

CMV

It seems that I may have to focus solely on nutrition for a while...

You may have noticed me complaining over the last month or so that I've been excessively tired, wiped out all the time, just generally down. I've been coughing excessively for going on four weeks now. It has really really sucked.

I now know why. I have been infected with a virus from the herpes family that is very similar to Epstein-Barr virus which causes mononucleolus... or "mono" for short. The virus is called CMV - Cytomegalovirus (or cell very big virus). somewhere between 40-85% of american adults have been exposed to the virus and have antibodies by the time they're 40 years old. I guess it was just my time. Most people don't have many symptoms when initally exposed, but some (like me) have mono-like sympoms including fever, fatigue, sore throat and cough.

CMV is very contagious via bodily fluids including saliva... its no big deal in the long run (once you're over the initial infection it generally goes dormant like mono and chicken pox and you don't get a recurrant infection unless you become immunosupressed for some reason), but it sucks in the short term and if I want it gone (and I do) I am being told that I need to take it easy. I asked what specifically, "take it easy" means... and I am not pleased with the answer I have been given. The doctor's response was "take it easy... as in, no viggorous exercise, lots of rest, water and nutritious food. Take your vitamins and veg on the couch for a couple of weeks... that's taking it easy."

Crap. THIS SUCKS!!! I mean, I'm glad I went to the Dr... I'm glad they tested for the virus because it's good to know its a virus which must be dealt with by my immune system (which I can support with herbs and vitamins) and not just be handed antibiotics which would have done NOTHING for my illness and probably wreaked havoc in my gut and reproductive tract. BUT FUCK ME RUNNING PEOPLE!!! WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A BREAK AROUND HERE???? ONE FREAKIN DAY AFTER I AM GETTING ALL PUMPED BACK UP TO RESTART MY FITNESS ROUTINES???? ARGH!!!

But... maybe... just maybe... this is good.

Maybe this is a combination of fate and my body telling me that I have not been feeding it correctly and I've been overworking and overstressing myself. I want to believe that I'm still going to be able to run the half in a couple of weeks... but as things keep crumbling around me... the prospect is becomming less and less likely.

If I can not run AT ALL between now and then... would I even be able to run it if I was feeling healthy again?

So what I CAN do is focus on my nutrition... eat my veggies and fruits (a hell of a lot of them) in the purest forms I can find/handle. It will be harder to balance the calories in/calories out with no exercise in the mix... but it can be done.

I need a nap.

Back to reality

I wonder if I will ever be happy with my level of fitness.

I wonder if I will ever really love the body I have.

I am torn right now about whether or not to renew my fitness magazine subscriptions. I get Oxygen and Muscle and Finess Hers... I like them both tho the "Hers" is a bit heavy on the advertising for my taste. But I find myself avoiding reading them when they come lately not because there is anything wrong with the magazines, but because I consciously compare myself to the women... the fitness models who make their living being completely IN SHAPE, and wondering why I haven't gotten there yet. Why I backslide... why I slip up, get sick, cheat, fall, flop, whatever. Why them and not me?

I mean, obviously I know the reasons for this. I am NOT a fitness model. I do not spend my days working on my physique. I have a whole long list of other titles that keeps me busy most of the day and most of those titles I would feel lost without.

Mother
Wife
Partner
Student
Lover
Athlete
Home maker
Personal Trainer
Family Accountant
Chauffeur
Nurse
Nurse Maid
Maid
Personal Chef and Nutritionist
Seamstress
Interior Decorator
Full Time Professional Network Engineer
Aspiring Midwife
Veterinarian
etc... etc... etc...

So it gets depressing, these imperfections of mine, and my other commitments that keep me from perfecting them... but at what sacrifice would I be willing to do the work to make those changes? What title would I give up? Where would I find the time, energy, money, etc... that would be necessary to get me there?

I am 30 years old. I have two children. I ran 10 miles on Saturday and I will run 12 next Saturday and then 13.1 two weeks after that. I can squat my body weight. I can do a pull up (still working on 5). I can out-push my husband... but I have flab around my waistline. Stretchmarks across my thighs, breasts and belly, chaffe marks between my legs and a deep deep love for chocolate.

is the guilt, disapointment, and annoyance worth the workout tips, encouragement and inspiration that can often be found in womens fitness mags? Or is it totally counter productive? I don't know right now. I still haven't hit my sub-20% body fat goal... its a tough one for a curly-fry adict like me... but is it impossible? Is dumping the mags admitting defeat or embracing the body I have... the body I live in... the body that carried me 10 miles at a decent pace only a few days ago?

I'm not sure. Guess I'll sleep on it.

night.

An update on me.

I suppose I'd better give an update on my situation this week. I can sum it up in one word: SUCK.

I have the very worst chest cold I've ever had. I am averaging 3 hours of sleep per night (total) because I wake myself with coughing... my husband has taken to sleeping on the couch so he can get a full night. I don't like taking drugs but I will be picking somthing up tonight because I just can't take it anymore. I'm told Delsym is the best OTC cough suppressant, but if you know of somthing better, let me know... I don't have any other symptoms except the coughing... My head is clear, no aches/pains or fever just this relentless hacking horrible cough.

On the good side of things I am planning a 10 miler this weekend... my very first. I have my course pretty much mapped out and I'm considering picking up a hydration belt to take with me and see how it works for my longer runs. This is, of course, contingent uppon me getting some sleep over the next few nights, because when I ran with Holly last sunday I felt fine DURING the run, so I have no worries about that... it's just having the energy to actually get out the door that is lacking right now.

I am still a sucky student... but luckily we only have ONE body system (skeletal) this week... and NO CLASS ON MONDAY!!! So I have two weeks to learn the bones of the body!!! HIP HIP HOORAY!

Please send me cough-free vibes.

MORE PICTURES

If you had ANY questions about how gorgeous this Hollie woman is... just look here:

HOLLIE'S GALLERY

My schedule

Want a peek into my life? Here's my schedule most days of the week:

5:30am - wake up, shower, dress, hair.
6:00am - make son's lunch, write him note, put out vitamins, nake sure homework is in backpack
6:30am - leave for work
7:00am - work
11:00am - workout + lunch
4:00pm - drive home
4:45pm - make kids snack, go thru school work, enforce homework, tidy up house
5:15pm - get Val into his TKD uniform
5:30pm - leave for TKD
7:00pm - home from TKD - make dinner
7:30pm - eat dinner
8:00pm - kids in bath, tidy up more, dishes
8:30pm - kids to bed
9:00pm - homework/study
10-11pm - bed

On Mondays include class from 5:15pm till 9pm, getting home around 9:30pm. Weekends are spent catching up on housework, grocery shopping, studing and keeping the kids entertained and not killing each other.

Is it any wonder I am home from work today with a massive head/chest cold?

OH MY GOD!!!

Guess what???

GUESS WHAT I GET TO DO NEXT WEEK???

Can you guess?

Did ya guess yet?

Next week, I am going to perform my very first wedding.

I was just asked to officiate a wedding of a person that I work with and his fiance. They are fabulous people and I said, it'll be my first, but it would be my honor.

WOOHOO!!!

Oh... and... MY BIKE IS IN!!!

I'm hopefully going to pick it up today after work!!!

YIPPEE YIPPEE YIPPEE!!!

It has been a DAMNED good day.

I am NOT a good student

So this school thing is already kicking my ass.

I only have class (anatomy and physiology) once a week (its an overview class, no lab) on monday nights. We go over two chapters a week, have homework every week and a test over the material we've covered the monday following. So this week I knew I needed to read the chapters and do the homework... and I put it off, and put it off and put it off... until Sunday when I realized I had no where else to put it off to, and I'd have to get it done.

But first I walked the race for the cure with April and her mom and neice and auntie and it was FUN! I did do my homework when I got home, and it was a LOT longer and more in depth than I was expecting so I'm glad I didn't wait until the evening to get to work on it... I am SUCH a bad student!!!

I was also supposed to do 8 miles yesterday... and after homework was done I put on the shoes, and got ready to go and promptly turned my left ankle over so badly that I dropped to the floor and screamed bloody murder. It wasn't as bad as I made it out to be... I could put weight on it... but there was no way in hell I could have run on it yesterday... and I don't think I should today... so there goes one long run down the tubes. I'll do my weights today and see how I feel tomorrow for running.

Sometimes I feel like this half-marathon thing is slipping thru my fingers... that I just don't have the time/energy/whatever to really do it and train correctly so I don't really hurt myself. UGH.

I need to work on being a better student and a better athlete... I wonder if those two things are compatable.

We're dropping like flies

There are at least four links in my list that are currently off-line.

That makes me very very sad.

What is happening to us? Why are we so apathetic, down, unmotivated? Where did the enthusiasm go? Lynne, are you still out there? I haven't heard from Kay in ages! What about Laura? and Lean Machine? What is going on here?

I get so sad when I click thru my links and see so many blogs languishing in dis-use... I think, what happened? Did we not support you enough? Did someone make an inappropriate comment that sent you over the edge? Has life interfered with your progress, your plans? Where are you? How can we help?

I feel powerless sometimes. I know the ups and downs of this are hard to deal with. I know breaks are needed at times. I've been down, I've taken breaks, I've let my life keep me from my health... but I know... every time... when I am ready to pick myself back up and dust off and put one foot in front of the other again that you all will be there to keep cheering me on.

So if I'm not doing the same for you... I will try harder.

Come back you powerful women... come back and prove them wrong... come back and prove yourself right... come back and value yourself, show yourself what you deserve... because you deserve the very best.

knowing what to do != doing it.

I'm having a hard time being an effective parent these days.

I am the mother of a challenging child and it is taking over every aspect of my daily life. I sit in complete tension all day waiting for the next call from the principal, praying that he'll hold it together thru the school day and not get sent home for acting out again.... and its only day three... I won't even mention days one and two. No one who has not parented a child with behavior, mood, or attention issues can understand what it is like to do so. It is the most all encompasing, demoralizing, depressing, personally draining thing I have ever had to do. And I don't have a choice. I can't walk away or turn it off or take a break. He is my son, it is my responsibility to parent him and train him and find the resources to help him and no one elses... it can suck ass sometimes.

The worst part for me right now is that I feel totally out of control of the situation. I am a parent in absentia. I am not there in the morning to send him off to school. I am not there in the afternoon when he returns. I am a pathetic wage slave and it kills me. I can't go into his classroom to volunteer because I am at work every day. I can't schedule weekly therapy or meetings with his teachers because I'd miss too much work getting there/back/etc. If I could quit my job and BE THERE I would do it in a heartbeat.

I did not do yoga yesterday, nor did I run. I did not bring my gear to workout/run today but maybe I'll get to it tomorrow. Pints to Pasta is on Sunday (10k) and I'm excited that I'll see Hollie somewhere on the course (YAY Hollie!!!) and maybe next week will be better... it just seems that sometimes other things in my life are going to take priority over this... sometimes I'm ok with that... sometimes not... for now I'm not thinking about whether I'm ok with it or not, I'm thinking about my kid... pretty much constantly.

milkshakes

so, as is often the case with kids on medication for ADHD, my son hasn't gained much weight this year, so taking a clue from the illustrious Jim, I will be feeding my child protein-packed milkshakes for breakfast (before the meds kick in)...

so the question is... when making a chocolate milkshake with vanilla ice-cream, milk and chocolate syrup (they were out of plain chocolate in Tillamook) does one use vanilla or chocolate protein powder???

I'm rearranging this weeks running completely due to the weekend fiasco... but Sunday is Pints to Pasta which should be totally a blast - tho Holly I am STILL BUMMED that you won't be there... nothin' like downin' a couple of pints of beer after a quick 10k!!!!

Today was stretching, tomorrow is yoga + 2 miles, Thursday will be 4 miles, friday will be 3 miles, rest on Saturday, 10k on Sunday.

And that's all she wrote.

of comment spam and full body workouts

So comment spam is basically the new way to "deliver" spam to unsuspecting people. Basically what happens is a bunch of links to penis-enlargement, casino, online pharmacy, etc... sites show up in your comments pages for old entries. I'm not certain of the delivery method, but I'm sure it's scripted. One nice thing about MT is that when you log into the editer for your blog you can see how many entries you have and how many total comments there are, and see the 5 most recently posted comments and things like that. The problem lies in that I've left all of my comments on all of my old entries open for new comments to be added so now the spammers see them as an easy target. So last night I spent a couple of hours going back thru each entry, deleting the spam comments and closing the comments... it's tedious... I made it thru April of this year... I still have a LOT to do.

As for my full body workout, here is what I did - as much as I can remember:
.5 m warmup on precor
Physio-ball wall squats + bicep curl (8lb dbs) - 3x20
Physio-ball one legged lunges (8lb dbs) - 3x12 each leg
Shoulder press (8lb dbs) - 3x15
Physio-ball fly (8lb dbs) - 3x20
Standing bent over row (8lb dbs) - 3x20
Tricep overhead extension (5lb dbs) - 3x15
Front/Lateral shoulder raise (3lb dbs) 3x20 (only made it to 18 on last set)
Abs - slow bicycle to failure, straight and side crunches on ball (30 each side and 30 center), floor crunches (50), fast bicycle to failure
stretch

I Slept like a LOG last night. It was fabulous except that I woke up with a crick in my lower back this morning and I'm having a hard time getting it to loosen up. Oh well, advil, water and coffee are callin' my name.

3.5 on the agenda for today... no problem!

three mistakes...

I made three mistakes last night. The first was running too late in the evening... the second was not eating when I got back from my run... the third was not realising mistakes one and two until this morning. The first two mistakes combined to make it nearly impossible for me to fall asleep last night. I ended up tossing and turning for several hours (it was past 1 am the last time I looked at the clock) before I finally fell asleep. So when the alarm went off at 5:15 my reaction was somthing to the effect of, "oh HELL no." at which point the alarm was shut off and I went back to sleep until nearly 7am (which is the time I am supposed to be ARRIVING at work... *sigh*). Despite the challenges I just finished my one hour full-body strength training and I feel pretty darned good about it.

I'm kindof excited for this week. My older son is at his dad's house for the whole week (including next weekend) so I only have one rugrat to chase around. I'm thinking I might actually get a few things done! (IMAGINE THAT!) There is plenty to do - there's back-to-school shopping to do, both kids wardrobes need purging, the cat-box is in DIRE condition, and damnit if the livingroom carpet doesnt desperately need to be cleaned again...

Now I must munch on my veggies and investigate this comment spam I seem to bet getting (I knew it would happen eventually... now I just have to deal with it).

Frustration!

So just when I felt I was getting into a routine... things at work EXPLODE... so I was up late last night, woke up late this morning, was late to work, have been working with barely a moment to stop and eat, wont' get a noon workout in and MAY be able to squeeze some exercise in before my son's TKD class this evening but I still have to feed him and the littlest one and get them cleaned up and ready to go in the 90 minutes between when I get home from work and when we have to leave for TKD class which leaves me about 1 hour tonight after they're both in bed to maybe possibly get in some stretching and abs work!

All I can say at this point is I'm glad I have a physio ball at home, and calgon-take-me-away!!!

Boy, when I check out...

I really check out, don't I?

It's monday of week 11 of the count down to the half marathon and according to Hal I should be resting or doing some weights and stretching today... I'm down with that. Got up and came to the gym this morning and did the following:

5 minute warmup on stair-master
20 reps Squat+Shoulder press - 5lb dbs
20 reps Stationary Lunge + Bicep Curl - 8lb dbs (left leg)
20 reps Sationary Lunge + Tricep Press - 8lb dbs (right leg)
(repeat above set, switch legs for lunge combos)
Abs set - 25 double crunch - 20 fast bicycle - 20 slow bicycle
20 reps Rear Fly on ball - 5lb dbs
20 reps Chest Fly on ball - 5lb dbs
(repeat above set)
Abs set - 25 double crunch - 20 fast bicycle - 20 slow bicycle
7 minutes medium level cardio on eliptical

I started easy and I'm glad I did. I feel good, got really sweaty, hated-on my belly flab that has been returning (UGH!) a bit, and successfully resisted the scale.

I'm going to talk to Alissa more today about the milages I need to be putting in for the half-marathon, and I'm looking at the Hal Higdon Intermediate training plan as a good guide. I think I may modify it a bit and skip the fartlek pieces and replace those with cross-training as he does in the beginners training plan. I like the milages better in the intermediate program, but I seriously care not about speed, and am concerned about protecting my knees... so cross training may be more my speed.

As for me and hubby - things are much improved. I am not giving up this blog as a venting area and he understands my need for this type of outlet. I will try to respect his need for privacy by not divulging overmuch the details of what might need venting about, but that's my perogative. Right now it feels ok, we'll see what happens next crisis... because there is always a next crisis... :D

Happy day!

not much to say today

In-laws are here and we're having a good time. We finally finished staining the deck today by doing the railing which is always the hardest to do, and it looks really nice. We had a lot of stain left so we went ahead and stained the split-rail fence we have running down one side of our property. It looks REALLY fabulous now, and I'm happy to think that it won't be fading to grey like normally happens with cedar split rail fences (no one stains them around here).

No formal exercise... still purging... but things have solidified a bit with the next plan.

The next plan is predicated on a goal that is outside of me. I always seem to do better when I have an outside goal to shoot for. When it was running my first 5k, 10k, triathlon, etc... I was able to focus on THAT rather than on my ever present body fat, or weight or whatever... so my next goal (which is really the next logical endurance step for me) is this:

On October 31, 2004 I will be running my very first half-marathon. I will register tomorrow for the Terapin - RUN LIKE HELL half marathon.

I will be meeting with Alissa on monday to work out a training schedule and the milages I'll need to run to get to where I need to be by the end of October. I am excited to have another outside of myself goal (eat that jim... lets see ya catch me now) to work toward and the great thing is that I KNOW that training for this event will ALSO help me lean out (hooray!). I believe I'll be running 3-4 days a week and I want to get in 2 days of high-rep, low weight, full-body strength training as well to hold onto that muscle I've gained over the first half of the year. I won't be weighing until AFTER the marathon. that's right... no scale for 11.5 weeks. I'll go back to logging my food in fitday (I'll be aiming for 1800-2000 HONEST calories per day, and focusing in FUELING my body for endurance... which I'm sorry to say I have VERY little knowledge or experience with so I'm going to need to do a LOT of research on that) on Monday and hopefully start my training that day as well... lots of things happening on Monday, eh?

So there you have it... maybe I'm insane... and I do distinctly remember saying a long time ago that I would NEVER want to run a half or full marathon...

that's what I get for limiting myself.

heh.

an explination

I'm very sorry to have left so many of you in the dark, here's what happened on Monday:

Sunday was my birthday, it was crappy and I ended up bawling my eyes out in front of my kids because I was so upset about it.

I vented here.

My husband read it and objected strongly to me airing our issues on such a public forum.

Out of respect for him and our relationship I chose to take the post down.

I am still upset about that and about my birthday sucking so much rancid donkey ass. Things have not been worked out, but I obviously don't have this forum as a safe place to vent my frustrations any longer and thus am feeling very very restricted in my ability to process conflict and deal with it on an emotionally stable and adult level.

I'll be stepping away for a few days to clear my head. Please don't worry too much about me... I'll come out of it stronger, I always do.

*sigh*

The cleanse seems to be working. I'm feeling less bloated and I'm really hoping the pain in my knees and feet starts to lighten up soon. Have done some stretching and such in the evenings... but this cold hanging onto my head, chest, throat etc. has made my exercise motivation fall pretty low.

I'm at a pretty low point in general right now, lower than I've been in a very long time... and I'm feeling like I have lost the one real outlet I had in this blog. If I cant vent here... talk here... get it out, get opinions and support when I need it, I've got nowhere else to turn really. I used to keep paper journals, but those were ruined for me by my ex who decided to read them and then bring it up in our mariage counseling sessions. So now if I can't write it here I don't write it.

And now I can't write it here.

Seems like it would get pretty boring pretty fast if all I wrote about were the details of my workouts and food lists... ugh.

A person getting fit and losing weight is still a whole person with other influences in their lives... relationships, family, work, friends, etc...

so where do I go from here? Make this blog private and only give the password to those I trust? I'm not sure... ideas would be appreciated.

hanging on...

Haven't been to the gym this week... won't be going today... maybe not tomorrow either... we'll see. Pain in the legs still abounds but is abating slowly.

Removing my post from Monday doesn't change the fact that Sunday sucked and was my worst birthday ever.

Now I have some sort of head-cold thing building, so I'm pounding the herbal tea. One thing I am VERY proud of is that despite feeling like emotional crap the last few days I have started my cleanse and detox and have stuck to it!

Last night for dinner I really wanted pizza... instead I had greenbeans... LOTS AND LOTS of fresh organic greenbeans. I steamed them for about 3-4 mintues and then sauteed them in olive oil, garlic, salt and peper and ate them all... at least 3/4 of a pound of 'em... so while that was probably a LOT more than I needed to eat, at least it was healthy whole food and not processed crap.

small victories, right?

Happy Birthday to Me...

It seems that despite my application for lenience and desperate pleas for clemency to father time, mother nature and all the mid-range dieties in between... my birthday will be happening on schedule tomorrow.

less than 4 hours till I'm 30.

It's tweakin' with me much more than I had anticiapted and that pisses me off. Its not like its a huge deal... I mean, I've made it this far... what's the big deal? For me I think it comes down to deadlines... I gave myself a deadline to be OUT of the high-tech industry by the time I was 30. That simply will not happen. I have made significant steps to move in that direction... but it will be at least another 3-5 years until I can give it up completely. So I'm pissed at myself for procrastinating... I'm annoyed with my inability to just hand in my resignation on Monday and move on... but reality is what reality is.

Tomorrow I complete my 30th year of independant life... and enter my 31st

(*edited to correct my math... thanks Danny*)

I think I need to get my freak on in a hardcore way here pretty damned soon!

pairing up... and perspective

When I got home for the race last night and was snuggling in bed with my hubby (post HOT shower to completely rid myself of the stanky sweat I had accumulated) he said somthing that really struck me. He said he wished he could be as fit as I am.

Now bear in mind, my husband is not overweight. He is 6' probably 160lbs, fairly lean, and has some decent muscle on his narrow frame... but he has never been an athlete. Mike has lived with pretty severe asthma and respiratory allergies all of his life. Before advair (miracle rx for asthmatics!) he used an albuterol inhaler on an hourly basis just to keep his lungs open enough to breathe.

He's had a couple of short-term affairs with working out... lifting weights for a while here or there... walking to and from work for a while... so it's not a matter of can't any more from what I can tell.

There are some scheduling issues what with our oposite schedules so the kids don't have to go to daycare, and having no family close to dump them on for a couple of hours at a time that make it more difficult for us to schedule workout time together... but really... its not an excuse. I would love it if he would run with me or even ride his bike next to me while I ran. I want to encourage his desire to be more fit, but I also know (from my own experience) that it won't be anything I say that will get him motivated to move again... it will come from him.

I am not sure what exactly is holding him back. Maybe he doesn't like exercise... maybe he just doesn't want to put in the time/effort... maybe he's just too damned tired from working/taking care of kids, etc.

But ya know what? I want him to be fit and healthy too... its no fun running alone all the time... so what do I do? Encourage without being pushy I suppose. I'll work on it, and keep ya posted.

Foamy is...

my lord and master... and he should be yours too...

*Warning - EXTREMELY NAUGHTY LANGUAGE AND SUBJECTMATTER!*

If you don't know the joy that is foamy the squirrel... check it out!

This last one wasn't the best... click on "toons" for the archive... check out all of the card-cult ones... the fatkins diet... aw hell... watch them all - just not at work. If you want to go in order... (From the beginning) start at the bottom right.

In other news - gotta pick up my "race packet" today... if you're interested in the race check it out here: The Columbia Classic

I checked out the "course elevation map" and in the first 5k you loose 800 ft of elevation... heh... and then it just sort of rolls along for the remaining 5k (there's a 15k too)... should be a fun/fast run tonight. I decided not to do any exercise yesterday... part of it was this sort of "aw, fuck it" attitude I've got going on this week, and part of it was that I really didn't want to be sore today before the run... and with my current lack of working out, I concluded that just about anything I could have done would have made me sore... so there ya have it.

I'll be picking up my system-cleansing supplies this weekend... probiotics, bulk fiber, herbals, epsom salts (gag!) etc, etc, etc... I've got enough veggies to choke a horse. I am still turning 30 on Sunday... somehow I haven't been able to reschedule that for a later date... so I'm kidnappin April in the WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE hours of the AM and takin' her to the beach for the day with me. Maybe I'll get her to get a tatoo on her ass... but I doubt it.

:D

Enjoy the silence...

whoah... its quiet.

and not so damned hot either.

most are gone... all that remains are my youngest sister and parents... *sigh*...

I made it!

Family time

Well Family is here... lots of them. Three decided not to come due to vehicular troubles and heat, but the rest are here, and we're having fun visiting, drinking beer and such.

We're making "druken chicken" tonight and having some margaritas... it's HOT... damned hot... 104 at last check.

Hot.

Very very very HOT.

Other than that, my sister pushed me hard on the run this morning, we averaged a 9:07 pace and she was helping me with extending my stride and running with my hips. It was hard, but it kept us moving pretty fast.

Better get back to the fam!!!

RACE IS ON!!!

AA Sports (the race organizers) have re-vamped the race to be a DUATHLON instead of a Triathlon... here's the details:

1.55mile run
12.5 mile bike
3.1 mile (5k) run

More Info HERE

WOOHOO!!! We can still get our medals!

Uh... I think there will be no Tri...

It seems that there are now 100+ documented cases of "Norwalk Like" viral infections of people who swam in Blue Lake last week... there could be more.

with no lake there can be no swim with no swim there can be no tri... there is no "official word" yet... but I don't know that I'd WANT to swim in that lake at this point... especially so soon after this "outbreak."

Here's the details:

Virus blamed for Blue Lake illness that sickens over 100
06:21 PM PDT on Monday, July 19, 2004
By JIM PARKER, kgw.com Staff

FAIRVIEW, Ore. -- The Multnomah County Health Department blamed "a type of norovirus" on Monday for an illness outbreak now affecting at least 100 people who recently went swimming at Blue Lake Regional Park.

The beach at Blue Lake remains closed due to a virus in the water that sickened at least 100 swimmers. (KGW Photo)
The 400-foot beach area at the popular summer lake remained closed and health experts urged people to avoid contact with the water there. Blue Lake was first closed on Friday, after a couple-dozen illness cases were initially reported.

Noroviruses are generally spread by contamination of water by feces, health officials said, but they didn't elaborate on specifics involving Blue Lake's contamination.

"We have now documented approximately 100 people with symptoms from Multnomah and Clackamas Counties, but there may be more infected," said Dr. Gary Oxman of the health department.

"An additional concern is how easily this virus can be spread, particularly among household members," he warned. "Even those without symptoms may be infected and can pass the virus to others."

Dr. Oxman said symptoms of the gastro-intestinal illness could include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, stomach cramps, and fever. Frequent handwashing was the best defense to prevent the spread of the virus, he added.

Scientists at the Oregon Public Health Lab said testing of the water at Blue Lake found no evidence of e-coli or other dangerous bacteria. An e-coli outbreak was responsible for sickening about 80 people at the lake in 1991.

The 185-acre Blue Lake Regional Park is visited by about 300,000 people each year, park officials said. It is located between Marine Drive and Sandy Boulevard off NE 223rd Avenue.

There was no word Monday on when the lakefront beach might reopen.

All over the place

My emotions are litterally all over the place the last couple of days.

Things at home are really good... my kids are fabulous and my hubby is being a gem these days... I think I can say that I've gotten the dishes habit down and the finances are fairly stable at this point. The deck is almost done, we've spent a lot of time de-cluttering (which always makes me feel accomplished) and we had a great family weekend at the Portland Historical Races last weekend... so with all of that I'm happy and good.

I spent some time posing in the mirror last night... trying to really analize what my body is doing this last 4-5 weeks and the truth is, I just don't see a lot more fat on my body except in the tummy (abs are a little less defined)... but my arms still look good... my triceps are great, my back and legs (except for my jiggle butt) are still there... so I know I can't have gained 12 lbs of fat... I would see it... after all I am the most hyper critical of my physique... so there must be somthing else going on.

So I scheduled my "annual exam" with my dr. and asked to have a note put on the appointment that I'd like to talk to her about my weight, hormones, thyroid, etc... and possibly get a referral to an endocrinologist and/or dietician if anything comes up wonky in my blood-pannel.

And then last night I realized I didn't have my ring on and couldn't remember when I'd taken it off, so I started tearing up my bedroom, bathroom, kitchen (anywhere I might have taken it off) trying to find it. Spent an hour and a half panicking that I'd lost my ring and then realized it was probably in my gym bag which was still in the mini at work with Mike... so I called him up, he checked, and voila, there it was.

And now I am super anxious about having 11 house guests... did you hear me? Yeah... the number has grown to ELEVEN house guests... including 3 camper trailer things and THANK GOD for my next door neighbors who volunteered space in their driveway and in front of their house for parking and even offered electrical hookups if necessary to help accomodate everyone. I think this may end up being the most comprehensive impromptu Palmer Reunion ever... whoah... Only ones missing will be my oldest sister, my Aunt Cheryl's husband and my cousin Mike's family... so ok... that's 9 other people... but I've got more than 50% of the living Palmer Clan descended from Bill and Alta Palmer comming to my house in about a week.

So like I said, random, all over the place, didn't exercise yesterday, doing boot-camp today because I just feel like getting a GOOD leg workout in. Finally got my weekly pill organizer set up so I'm takin all my supplements at the right times... etc... etc... ad nauseum.

I'm going to stop typing now...

Maybe I'll call Dave Ryan and tell him to get his ass over here before my fear of body fat completely consumes me.

Apache Weirdness

Well my host server (who is a fabulous human being and also provides hosting for the ever-popular Frycook on Venus site) upgraded apache this weekend and there were a couple of config tweaks that he needed to do to get my MT back up and running, so THANKS MAGIC15BALL!!!

Had a GREAT weekend with the hubby and the kids... didn't really do much on the exercise front, but it was my hubby's 30th birthday so he took Olivia (yes, that's our house in the background) to the historic races at PIR and did some charity auto-crossing in her and had a FABULOUS time. His best time thru the course was 23.6 seconds which was only 1.7 seconds off the fastest time posted for the weekend... and which was recorded by a Porsche 914. He was pretty stoked. It was so much fun to watch him whip her thru the tight corners and he was the fastest Mini Cooper driver on the course too!!! I don't think I'd want him to auto-cross Olivia every weekend... the wear on the car would be pretty significant, but it was neat that he got to do it once and was pretty darned good at it for a complete novice too!

My deck should be getting installed starting today... they'd better show the hell up and get some work done... I wanna see posts in the GROUND!!! :D

Forgot to weigh in this morning, so I'll do it tomorrow... gonna boot camp it today and then run tomorrow, swim on wednesday, run on thursday, swim on friday and then begin to panic over getting my house clean enough for guests and getting my deck stained before the guests begin to arrive next week..

*wheeeeee!*

Number Nine

Two weeks from now I will have 9 house guests. 8 of whom will be related to me by blood or mariage... the 9th is a friend of my Aunt Cheryl and sounds like a fabulous lady.

Oh yeah... and that's not a typo... thats a NINE... like one less than ten and two more than seven.

And 2 weeks from tomorrow seven of us will step into the water, listen for the horn and cross the finish line after completing the Blue Lake All Women's Triathlon. Four of those seven are over 50 and have never competed in a triathlon before in their lives.

Fan-freakin-tastic!!!

I was BEAT during bootcamp today, but I tried to do a chin-up before I started class and I got my EYES to the bar!!!! I"M ALMOST THERE BABY!!!

Ran 3 miles yesteray with Ana, which was a lot of fun, and with a pace close to 10 minutes per mile it was a kick ass workout too.

I won't be doing much lifting next week, I'm going to put my focus to biking, running and swimming before I begin my final "taper" in preparation for the race.

Food has been sooo good this week... I even ordered grilled halibut with salad and veggies last night when we went out for dinner with our friend Dave... it was awesome... the only off-plan things I've had was the pizza on wednesday and a krispy kreme today because damnitall if they didn't HAND me a HOT one over the counter as a "sample" when I walked in to buy donuts for my team at work today (I owed them for some late-night troubleshooting assistance this week)... DAMN those Krispy Krack vendors, damn them straight to the 7th ring on HELL!!!

:D

Have a fabulous weekend... and keep the linkage comming, I'll be making the changes tomorrow!

Time to do a Link Purge

I hate hate hate having to do this, but when someone doesn't post for a couple of months (or more) it just seems necessary to comment out the line that is the link to their blog and put a new one in its place... if they come back I will HAPPILY return them to my list, but it just gets too cluttered if I don't purge every now and then... so that process begins today.

What I need now are NEW LINKS!!! If there is a blog you read that is in any way fitness related, please leave me a comment and let me know... if its your blog, GREAT! If its someone you think I'd get a kick out of, GREAT! If they post on a fairly regular basis... EVEN BETTER!

Sean thanks for the comment yesterday... I'm sore too, but its somthing I'm relishing right now because for a while I was cruising on auto pilot and getting very little from my workouts, so getting sore again is a nice change - oh and you're getting linked... deal with it. :D

Oh... and if you wanna read a fabulous email that I got this morning and just MADE MY DAY... click on the "continue reading..." link.

Brenna,

I hope this finds you feeling GREAT! It has been a sweet week of getting on track mentally and physically, and I am glad that are back to feeling like the IT girl that YOU ARE…body image is so strange indeed and the biggest deal is just being aware, connecting on it, knowing you are not alone, finding ways to appreciate yourself-your ass-your abs without them looking like a supermodel…because a supermodel cannot do a stair run like you can, definitely cannot get up and run 4 miles like a walk in the park, and cannot do Boot Camp with a smile on her face! They can't. And, that my friend is the heart of being a truly passionate, fitness enthusiast! They are many people who wished they looked like you…even the waif's. So as your weight slowly rolls off remember that - and when it does not budge remember that too. I think it is more challenging to shift your mind, our focus, your goals, than to shift your body…and you are doing both a rapid rate! I feel very lucky to have a great relationship with another woman who takes pride in her practice of perfection and is always wanting more….there are very few of us…and you are on your way!
I cannot run with you today…sadly. I was up pretty late last night, insomnia, and am going to leave here around 12:00- I have hair appt. at 1:00 and will run later this evening…you still do your thang! Whatever it is--get that surge of cardio calorie burning and we will meet up again soon!

Thank you for being the open, honest, amazing woman that you are…you are inspiring many and I love you for it!

Happy 4th of July!

I hope everyone (of my US readers) is able to get out and spend time with family or go see some fireworks and enjoy the holiday. I'm not a huge patriotic freakazoid, but independance day does hit a nerve with me. I never read the full text of the declaration of independance until I was an adult in college. The first paragraph and the first few lines of the second were all I'd ever really thought about, but the truth of the matter is that this document created 228 years ago now was an amazing and detailed outline of the atrocities the colonies had endured under King George the 3rd of Britain. It is surprising to me today that it worked... that we won the war of independance... and that we are fighting it still as the tryants of today try to legislate our morals and steal our elections, and force their religions down our throats.

I hold this truth to be self evident, that ALL men are created equal... so here, coppied from one of the many on-line resources, for your full and unedited review is the text of "The Declaration of Independance of the Thirteen Colonies:"

The Declaration of Independence of the Thirteen Colonies
In CONGRESS, July 4, 1776

The unanimous Declaration of the thirteen united States of America,

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. --That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. --Such has been the patient sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present King of Great Britain [George III] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the People at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

He has obstructed the Administration of Justice, by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary powers.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies without the consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation:

For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Representatives of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Colonies, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent States, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor.

End of an Era

So today is my bosses last day at work. He took this account from the brink of disaster to having the highest approval rating (by the customer) that is possible for the last 3 years running. He has been a great boss and mentor. He is moving on to bigger and better things and I wish him well.

But man it's gonna be weird. Theres a lot of stuff that we've accomplished here that would NEVER have happened without his guidance and creativity. He is truly a forward thinker. Farewell Mark, you will be missed.

In any case, lunch out was the call, and we all answered with a hearty and resounding, aye! SO lunch it was and no boot camp... its nice enough that I'll take Nate for a long walk tonight tho I think... I'm still so sore from Wednesday and Thursday that I'm not too worried about skipping a lifting session.

Fourth of July weekend is here already... its mid-summer and I'm still struggling to find my way thru my second year of weight loss and fitness training... sometimes it sucks, sometimes its wonderful... right now tho, its just freakin' hot!

Have a fabulous weekend and we'll see ya on Monday or Tuesday.

Fabulousness

I can almost do a chin up! I'm about 2/3 of the way there. HUZZAH!!! That goal is not so far away as I thought... I just need to keep practicing my static-hangs and slow-lowers and eventually it will come. I am hoping that it comes in the next month or so tho so I can be up to 4 or 5 by the end of the year... then the pullup is next... eeps!

Boot camp today was GREAT except for the bear-crawl across the "field turf" soccer field... which if you're not familiar with "field turf" is blades of plastic grass with black pellets of ground-up recycled shoe-rubber laid down like sand between them which makes for a very nice running and playing surface (many indoor pro-football fields are being made of this stuff now) but a very very HOT surface when in direct sunlight for many hours... hot enough, in fact, to burn the hell out of your skin when it comes in contact with the palms of your hands as you scurry across it. One of the fellas in the class got a second-degree burn on his palm... the blister popped almost immeidately... I don't think we'll be doing bear crawls in the sun again. We also had a station that included 50 unweighted squats... "no problem!" right? HA!!! you get to squat number 35 and tell me "no problem." I DARE YA!!!

Food has been just so/so... I haven't been recording this week which is much of my problem... some doritos and a glass or two of wine snuck in last night, and well... damnit I'm just getting annoyed at myself. It seems summer is NOT the optimal time for me to be on a restrictive diet, but at the same time its when I want to look my most fabulous and thus NEED to be on the restrictive diet... I WANT to do this... badly... but not badly enough it seems.

My deck is scheduled to begin construction on the 12th (deposit paid, we're official!!!) Mike is nearly done with the gorgeous split-rail fence in the back (which I'm going to need to paint with sealer or protectant or somthing here soon) and my sunburn has faded leaving a lovely tan... I never tan... *grin*

OH! OH! OH!!!! And I got my confirmation from the Birthingway College of Midwifery... I am officially registered for A&P (fuck yeah!!!) and will be able to pick up my BOOKS in a month or so... I am SO excited!!!! Lunch some time next week to talk to Linn about becomming a personal trainer as well... action, action, action... :D

Ya know what?

I seriously need to become a fitness professional so people wont look at me like I'm full of shit when they ask me for advice on getting fit/healthy and I give it to them.

It's not like I'm spouting off unsoliscited advice here... THEY ASKED FOR IT FOR CHRISTSAKE!!! Most of the time I don't even try to spout off specific information... I give them resources, encourage research and reading... and congratulate them on their desire to make changes and let them know that they can do anything they set their minds to and they have to find what works for them and their lifestyle... most people just can't (or arent willing to) do what I do on a daily/weekly basis and that's FINE... perfectly OK... because I wouldn't expect ANYONE to do exactly what I do and get exactly the same results I do because they aren't me... argh!

But maybe that's the problem... maybe what they're looking for (still!) is the magic bullet that everyone seems to think exists (still) in some chemists lab or some shit like that (STILL!)... and when I tell them, no... actually... I cleaned up my diet and started exercising a LOT and lifting heavy things repeatedly they don't want to hear it... suddenly I'm one of "those people" and their eyes go all squinty and skeptical and they turn off their brains, stop even trying to hear what I'm saying and glaze over.

Well Fine... FUCK ME FOR EVEN TRYING! Its not like I walked up to your fat ass and said, "hey! You should eat clean and exercise!" YOU ASKED ME!! I'm not a pentacostal preacher on the street corner screaming and pounding the fitness bible in your face, listing your sins that must be repented for... COME THE FUCK ON!

So maybe if I was a personal-trainer, nutritional-expert, fitness-person they'd actually LISTEN to what I had to say, and go out and READ the websites and resources and books and shit that are out there everyday available to every person whether you find 'em online or in your local library.

Fuckit! Maybe I'll just keep my damned mouth shut when people ask... say somthing like, "Oh, I'm not a personal trainer, but when I get my education and certification I'd LOVE to help you out." bah.

I was FAT!

Now I'm NOT!

That does NOT automatically make me the oracle of all that is/was/willbe in the world of weight loss... so quit expecting me to be and then getting annoyed/pissed/disapointed when I let you down.

Oh... and thanks everyone for the fabulous comments and emails (mojo and lee especailly, you ladies are simply the greatest!)

Feelin Groovy

So I didn't clean the dishes up last night... I did get up and do them this morning, so that was good. I decided to prioritize relaxation for one day this week over the dishes and surprisingly I only thought about it briefly before I crawled in bed around 11:30 and I was out before my head hit the pillow anyway so there must not have been too much stress associated with them at that point.

I did not, however, get up to swim this morning... did I happen to mention that I went to bed around 11:30... yeah, sleep won out over swimming today, but it will be made up for tomorrow with no hesitation.

Tomorrow my kindergartener becomes a first grader... whoah. I know he's ready academically... socially is another question... but I know he'll be ok. TKD is helping his confidence a lot... its weird to have my baby growing up... I'm not ready for it, even tho he is... *sigh*

And while I don't want to make a big deal of it, I am turning 30 this year... in just over a month, in fact, and I didn't think it would freak me out, but I think it is. Oh I try to deny it outwardly, but subconsciously, inside... it's there. The questions... "what have you really done that's made a difference?" "are you going to keep your promise to yourself that you'd get out of this industry when you're 30?" "are you really ready to shut the door on having more children like you said you would at 30?" It's rediculous, I know... welcome to my world.

Status on my Steps:
1. Did dishes this morning, feel at peace with it.
2. Diet is CLEAN today (hooray for protein powder!)
3. Ran 4 miles with Alissa today (thank GOD for her keeping me motivated or I would have walked at the 2.5 mile mark!)
4. Snuggled on the couch for a good long while with the hubby... praised him for figuring out why the mini was vibrating at highway speeds (unballanced tire).
5. No word from BW yet. Spent some time reading wonderful homebirth stories and happy successful nursing stories.

How Fucking Simple am I?

It seems that all that is necessary to improve my outlook on life, the univers and everything (47) is to have a clean kitchen every night... Yesterday was fucking FABULOUS! Maybe it was the solstice... maybe it was the spot-on intense workout... but honestly... yesterday was great. I felt energetic, I was patient with the kids (to a point)... and I felt good about my body (despite the extra pounds I packed on).

I've given myself an "official weigh-in" day... mostly because I've never tried it before... I'm a bit of an obsessive numbers tracker... daily weigher... weekly measurer. Keep in mind I don't really record the stuff anywhere (tho I probably should) except in my brain, but I am sick of going that route anyway and its time to do a daily weigh and a monthly measure... so there ya have it... maybe I'll make a pretty chart or somthin... maybe I won't, its none of anyones damned buisness anyway (*evil grin*). Oh... it's Monday... I guess I should mention that part too. ;)

I've discovered that its VERY hard to eat 180g of carbs with no grains or refined sugars... and since the refined sugars are out, I feel ok adding a couple of servings of whole grains (steel cut oats with splenda or a piece of whole wheat toast, or a bowl of shredded wheat) per day to make sure my ballance is there. With these fabulous chocolate protein shakes tho its EASY to get my protein (and I even went over yesterday without even realizing it!) OH!!! And have you tried egg-beaters? Holy crap, if I'd known they were that good I'd have been eating them instead of whole eggs or just egg whites AGES ago. I mean they're not quite the same, but they're pretty fucking close! Close enough to make my omelettes out of!

Today has been pretty fabulous too... running with Alissa and Jen is so much fun and I really look forward to running with them now. Tonight I get to go hang with my sistah-in-arms April, and have a grand old time. As of Saturday there are 4 weeks remaining until the triathlon... to whit I am SERIOUSLY stoked! Our deck won't be in, but oh well... we'll survive without it.

Status on my Steps:
1. No dishes left out again last night and a shiny sink and counters too!
2. Diet was spot on all day!
3. Swam 30 minutes this am and ran 4 miles in 44:41 with Alissa and Jen (yes its slow, but we were chatting the whole way so it was a good fat-burning run)
4. Woke up and snuggled the hubby when he got home from work at 3am.
5. Continued to plan out my course load and construct questions to ask the college about the BSM degree possibilities since I already have a BS... :D

Sunday

I've been cleaning house all day.

When my home is in chaos my life shortly follows and I've spent quite a lot of effort lately trying to ignore the chaos that has become my home and thus my life. I've been doing a REALLY good job of placing blame everywhere but where it really belongs and feeling like I had to answer to lots of people I hardly know for things that were "not within my control," but which really ARE within my control and I just didn't want to accept my share of the blame. In any case, this is about me. About my life and my body and if the shit I say is offensive to you then fuck off and don't come back. I created this chaos and I'm takin' some steps now to create the order I need to be happy and fulfilled in my body/life/relationship/job... etc... etc... ad nausium.

Step one: CLEAN MY FUCKING PIG STY OF A HOUSE! I live with four men (husband, 6 year old, 2 year old and DOG) Men are dirty. Men must be trained to control their inertia... period. So the training has begun and the toys that are left out will go to charity (no chances, no excuses) and a chore list has been created and posted... we'll see how it goes. Those who complete their chores get stars (even me!) and those who get all their stars for a week get prizes, the rest get nothing. ;) My biggest neurosis is dishes, so my goal for the month will be to leave no dishes on the counter or in the sink each night... no dishes out equals a happy me.

Step two: CLEAN MY FUCKING DIET UP! Starting tomorrow I am on the Linn Holdenhusen Plan which will consist of:

Protein: 140 grams - 560 calories
Carbs: 180 grams - 720 calories
Fat: 30 grams - 270 calories

My carbs will come primarily from fruit and veggies and my protein from chicken and protein shakes. There will be very little dairy (except the skim milk for my shakes) no cheese and very little grain. Saturday will be my one day off... during which time I will not worry about what I eat... but will deal with my true hunger as it comes and attempt to mitigate the cravings that may happen wtih healthy alternatives.

Think I can't do it? Then Fuck right off and come back in four weeks when I've been at it for a month and I can rub it in your fucking negative and unsupportive face.

Step Three: GET MY ASS BACK IN GEAR:

Monday - Boot Camp
Tuesday - Swimming at 5:45 am, Running in the afternoon (at LEAST 3 miles)
Wednesday - Boot Camp
Thursday - Swimming at 5:45 am, Running in the aftenoon (at LEAST 3 miles)
Friday - Boot Camp
Saturday - FULL rest
Sunday - Ride and run

I've done this plan before but with swimming on Mo/We/Fr, but with this plan I think my ankle will hold up better.

Step Four: DO SOMTHING EVERY DAY TO FULFILL MY PARTNERS EMOTIONAL NEEDS: (the ones that are important to him, not the ones I think should be important to him because they're important to me). No elaboration necessary.

Step Five: TAKE REAL STEPS TOWARD CHANGING MY CAREER PATH: Yesterday I sent in my registration for the Human Anatomy and Physiology course at Birthingway College of Midwifery. It starts in September and costs a fucking fortune but I don't give a rats ass... it's a prerequisite for entry into the college and I'm going to take it. Hoo-fucking-ray!

So here I am. Pretty fucking raw (emotionally) and sick of making excuses and placing blame (yes, this is cyclic... yes I'm aware of patterns in my life... thanks for the fucking psychotherapy, if you don't think I am seeking outside help you're off your rocker and if you can be supportive then once again I will tell you to fuck the hell off and pretend you never saw this blog).

I hope to hell that those of you who I have come to call my friends can see thru the obvious self-defensive posturing and find it in your hearts to keep being the supportive and amazing people that I've come to know you as... but if you can't, I understand and I'll see you on the flip side.

My writing for the next while may continue to be raw, or it might mellow out... one thing it won't do is end.

I'm still here... and I'm certainly not going anywhere... at least not yet.

breakin'

I'm pretty emotionally beat up right now.

Nothing life threatening or anything... just exhausted... and unable to post about it at this point... not that it really needs to be posted about, ever.

So I'm taking a break. I'll be back on Sunday.

eom

Weekend Gone

The last news of the week on friday was my boss giving his notice. His last day is on or about the 30th. This does not please me. The weekend itself was ok... but Alissa's allergies kicked up and we didn't do our run. I'm skipping work today for some family things which means no boot camp, so I'm hoping to get my 3.6 m course run this afternoon sometime... we'll see how it goes.

The news about my boss sucks.

He (like most men) was not very good at giving feedback on the job I was doing but he was always a good boss. He understood the work/family ballance... he challenged us to take training courses that weren't exactly in our areas of expertise to expand our knowledge... he was a good boss.

And I know who is replacing him... and I'm not thrilled.

Compartmentalizing

I am an emotional mess today.

Jim talks about liking his life to be compartmentalized... work stays at work, gym stays at the gym, home stays at home.

I'm not very good at that... and when somthing is messed up at work it affects my home life and when somthing is messed up at home it affects my work life and when ANYTHING AT ALL is messed up it affects my gym life etc, etc, etc.

Right now there are lots of things messed up in my head and they're affecting everything and I know it and I feel like I have very little control over it (even tho that is false and I know I have the power to take action and fix what I find is wrong) and sometimes I just want to whine about it... so here goes... (the pity party hats and name tags are in the corner... welcome... have some cheese, I'll get you a glass of whine to go with it)

I feel like I am fairly lucky in that I have a great relationship with a great guy who usually makes me feel great to be around him...and just that fact makes me feel like a complete schmuck when I'm dissatisfied with stupid little shit... and so I try to keep my mouth shut about it.

But the problem with that is that it sits there and goes no where and the little things build up and eventually I feel like crap about everything in the relationship and I don't know where to put it all... so I'm gonna put it here for now.

I know we all suffer with body image problems. Mine are no worse than anyone elses... its there... all the time, and when people tell me I look great or am getting buff or whatever it helps... but when the person I really want to hear it from is just not a big communicator (which I knew when we got married and so have no cause for complaining) and doesn't give me feedback like that, I get annoyed... and hurt... ok, mostly hurt and sad... the annoyed part is a reaction to the hurt part.

And it's not like I even want verbal communication exclusively... I'd take just about anything non-verbal at this point over what I'm getting. I wish he would do somthing that made me feel like he wanted to rip my clothes off or that he had fabulous erotic dreams about me, or that he was proud to have me by his side in public. Things like that would make me feel like I was still attractive to him. As it stands I feel like I am a means to an end rather than the end itself... (again, it is a pitty party, feel free to mill about uncomfortably and look at your toes.)

We have our mitigating circumstances of course... its hard to hold hands while walking in public when you have 2 kids to keep track of, one of whom is a runner. We work oposite shifts and see each other 2-3 nights per week barring outside engagements (since those 3 nights a week are the only times we can each really go out and do alone things this also cuts into our "us" time)... we don't really go on dates or overnight weekends as we have no family close to leave the kids with. Neither of us gets enough sleep for a normal human being... and when we are together there is a constant cloud of crap that needs to get done over our heads (especially mine) making it virtually impossible to relax. So there you have it... the typical harried 2 jobs 2 kids household with passion dieing of neglect... joy.

Ok... that's enough whining for now... I'll go work off some of the negativity in the gym this afternoon, thank you for attending the pitty party... I can call you a cab if you'd like.

Rest Day and more Dental Joy

Today I go to the dentist again to get fitted for my crown. I hate that I will have a "fake tooth" in my mouth now, but there is no getting around it, so in I go to sit for another hour and a half with my jaw stretched open with people poking and prodding until I am choking on my own saliva... (can you tell how thoroughly excited I am about this?)

So due to scheduling conflicts it seems that today will have to be a rest day which is fine because yesterday's leg workout in Bootcamp has my quads tight and screaming today... I was doing deep squats with the 25s (holding them up at my shoulders) and then we did top half and bottom half squats with the same weights... if you've never done these and are looking for a new challenge for your legs here's a quick description:

Top half are pretty easy - hold your dbs up at your shoulders as if you were holding a bar instead of dbs and only squat about half as far as you would for a full squat, return to standing, repeat. Pause at the top and bottom of each half squat for a good challenge

Bottom halfs are the killers - hold your dbs up at your shoulders as if you were holding a bar instead of dbs and squat all the way down for a full squat, but only return to the half way up point and then go back down.... pause at the top and bottom of each half sqat... I dare ya!

If you can do fulls, tops, bottoms and then a final set of fulls you've got more endurance in your legs than I do. I crapped out in the middle of the last set of fulls and just couldn't do anymore... the burning and shaking was intense.

Alissa has invited me on a 7miler on saturday tho, which I'm trying to work into my weekend schedule. 7 miles is almost a mile further than I've ever run before (10k or 6.2 is my top distance so far) but with Alissa it would be fun I think! I am going to try really hard to work it out because I know it would be a challenge... and I've been looking for some of those lately!

Oh... and some casual (ie. unflexed and just sorta normal) Bikini pictures are in the works... I've got some photoshoping to do (croping, not airbrushing, I promise!!) but hopefully I can get it taken care of this weekend. We'll see.

Body Aware

I wish I wasn't so aware of my body all the time. I know I've said this before, and I'm certain I've spent way too many hours agonizing over it in my own head, but sometimes it just needs to be said.

I wish I could turn it off for a month or so... just shut down my body-awareness and then turn it back on in 6 weeks so I can be shocked and surprised by any changes that may have happened in that period.

When I walk by a mirror I notice my jawline, or my waist or my thighs... when I get in and out of the shower I become acutely aware of my shoulders and butt and the few remaining dimples on my ass.

I just want to be able to ignore it for a while... not notice, not care.

I wonder sometimes if I'm developing BDD. Body Dysmporphic Disorder...

I don't really think that I am... I don't have an acute obsession with a perceived flaw... I have an acute obsession with lots of perceived flaws... areas that require improvement... etc.

I did 1/2 a pull up on monday and about 1/3 of a chin up. Just the fact that I could get my arms to about 90 degrees made me happy... but MAN I want to get up on that bar... DAMNIT!!!

I have been hanging between 148 and 152 lbs since December... even thru my glycogen depletion cycle I never got below 147. Obsessively counting calories and expenditures didn't change it. Eliminating sugar didn't change it, Keto-cycleing didn't change it. I don't know where my bodyfat is right now, but hopefully in the next couple of weeks I'll be able to get that tested too... and with all of my statistics and numbers seemingly failing me right now, I think I need to look at some NSVs or I'm going to explode (Lee inspired me!).

OK... here goes:

1. I am a size 8 - yes, at the Gap too, tho Gap pants are too tight in my thighs to be comfortable... the waist and hips fit fine tho... and I love my massive legs so the Gap can f'off.

2. I can run/jog 5 miles without stopping... that is nearly an hour of continuous cardio without discernable pain or suffering afterward.

3. I am helping motivate other people I know to get serious... including my Mother and two 55+ year old aunts.

4. My next door neighbor asked me if I was losing weight and said I was really looking buff.

5. I have successfully learned to knit.

6. I did my standing shoulder presses with the 25s on Monday... all of 'em. (I was up to the 35s seated, but standing is MUCH harder)

7. I haven't skipped a weekday workout in 3 weeks now (I think... I'll have to check that, but I'm pretty sure).

Ok... that's all I can come up with for now, but it'll do... Boot Camp this afternoon... but for now, I must go a virus-huntin!

MORE PROOF:

That I am such a girl!

I stayed up till 2 am Sunday morning to knit. Bear in mind that I am just learning to kint, and I only know how to cast on and the basic knit stich, but I was so excited to use up my "practice" skein of yarn that I knitted for about 5 hours straight. Sunday morning I got up and finished the long rectangle off and bound off the end (it will make a good child's scarf)... then I took my April to lunch and we went to the Yarn Garden to get my very first skein of real yarn to make my very first project, a very basic rolled-edge hat.

I started the hat last night and realized after about an hour that I was knitting a mobius strip and had to rip the whole thing out and start over. It was a little annoying, but I'm glad it happened when it did because I definitely learned from it.

The rest of the weekend was spent on other domesticities including laundry, dishes, the kitchen floor... etc... etc... ad nauseum. But for some reason I am STILL sore from Friday. My triceps and shoulders especially are hurting.

I feel like I am refocused on my diet this week (which is a good thing since I had pizza and mcdonalds last week and I HATE mcdonalds with a passion so I can't believe I even put that crap in my mouth to begin with). My new supply of chocolate protein powder should arrive today and I've become a MAD woman with the blender and frozen berries... seriously my peach vanilla smoothies are to DIE for! (and high protein with NO added sugar!!!).

So that's where I am, still just coasting until I figure out my next short term challenge, and continue to work toward my long term challenges as well... I think I might try to do a pullup this week... maybe Linn will have some tips for me. We'll see.

:D

she so owes me.

Seriously, she owes me BIG!

I just spent upwards of 2 hours in HORRIBLE traffic taking my lovely friend April shopping for her trip to Vermont for her 9 week intensive Russian language program... ugh. Accidents on every major freeway between us and there and back and it sucked sucked sucked! She acknowledges her indebtedness to me now tho, so that's a good thing... I will take it out of her in flesh I think.

The field trip with Val's kindergarten class to the Bi-Zi farm was a lot of fun... educational hay ride followed by a barn full of animals, goats, bunnies, chickens (and the inevitable chicks) and each child got to plant a strawberry plant to take home (yay!).

unfortunately tho it is now 7:37pm and there is no way in heck I'm getting in 5 miles today.

(ok... it's now 11 hours later... I bathed and put the kids to bed, watched some TV and went to sleep before I realized I hadn't finished this post.)

Yeah... the 5 miles didn't happen, but I have high ambitions for today. Boot Camp AND a run (OoooOOoooOOoooh... you're a monster, brenna!)

HA! Time to get my butt to work!

Not in the Zone.

I am just not in the zone this week.

I feel a little off ballance. Its not a big deal... I'm not eating great (binged a little on some brownies and vanilla ice cream last night along with cereal, an atkins mini frozen pizza and a pb and honey sandwich... ouch)... which is more than half of my problem... especially since I was supposed to be starting the new eating program today (uh... that didn't happen in case you were wondering). So I'm feelin' lazy, not with it... didn't really put my heart into my boot-camp workout today (a workout which I will fondly label "Lunge Madness" for lack of a better description).

I'm in a kind of funk... not a depressive funk... just a sort of stagnant funk. I certainly haven't "hit the wall" so to speak. I'm not over training, I'm enjoying my workouts and geting plenty of sleep. I think my subconscious brain is wanting to flip to "lazy days of summer" mode and I'm having to fight it off. The problem is that I'm not being very successful at fighting it off right now... but I'm not really trying very hard either.

I'm not really focused on my goals right now either which is certainly part of the problem. I don't really feel the need to be focused on them either. I'm coasting it seems...

peaks and valleys, peaks and valleys... such is life. Kindergarten field trip chaperoning tomorrow and then a 5 miler (hopefully!) Boot Camp on Friday and maybe this weekend I'll get myself refocused on clean eating once again and begin anew on Monday... we shal see.

weekend whoops

The Forerunner is really freakin' cool. I went for a run yesterday and it mapped my course, kept track of my lap times (1m) and gave me my overall pace for the course. I was sad to learn that my course is only 3.66 miles tho... I was hoping for closer to 4m. Its a pretty slow course for me (10:13 avg pace) and there is one killer and one baby hill but both seem to slow me down significantly. I'll run the "5m" course tomorrow and see how far it REALLY is.

Otherwise things are going well. The hubby recovered from his plague and no-one else has exhibited symptoms yet, so I'm hopfull that I was able to contain the spread. I fixed a toilet (replaced the wax ring), planted 6 varrigated barberry shrubs along our fence, successfully baked an edible zucchinni bread (hooray for recipies by emeril!) and made a memorial day dinner for hubby and his co-workers who had to work today... brats with carmelised onions, dijon-potato salad, and warm brownie sundaes. Horribly fattening, but its a holiday and they have to work, so I spoiled them a bit.

Anyone have any advice on potty training? I've forgotten how its done, and I'm just not feeling good about this process right now. Must get more diapers!

I was tempted...

to go for a run today just so I could play with my new gadget... but plans were stymied by The Best Husband Evah waking up around 5 this morning and puking his guts out.

He's still in piss poor shape and I'm doing my best to keep the kidlets occupied enough for him to get some rest... so while I have been running my tail off today, I have not been "running" today... nor did I get to boot-camp class and I MIGHT get lucky and have a chance to do some calisthenics and stretching this evening (maybe even a sun salute or two) but I'm not holding my breath.

I must return to wiping down every surface with Lysol Disinfecting Wipes in an attempt to keep the plague from spreading to myself and the children.

Wish me luck!

**BEST***HUSBAND***EVAH!!!**

remember (the day before yesterday) when I mentioned (just the day before yesterday) that I wanted one of THESE (you know... just the day before yesterday?)

Guess what is on my wrist right now?

(I'll give you 3 guesses and the first two don't count)

Like I said: **BEST***HUSBAND***EVAH!!!**

speaking of athletes...

Linn pulled me aside yesterday during the Boot Camp workout (it's self-paced and he gives form guidance and encouragement as everyone moves thru the stations) when I was taking a breather between sets and said he'd been talking to some of the other instructors and gym employees about me and they all thought that I'd make a good personal-trainer and he wondered if I'd ever thought about it.

Thought about it? I mean... sure... in a very obscure hypothetical abstract kinda way... in about the same way as I've thought about being a neuro surgeon or a truck driver... in a kind of "that could be somthing interesting to learn how to do someday" kinda way... sure I've thought about just about every career under the sun (especially those relating to the workings of the human body)

But really, honestly... a personal trainer? Hmmm...

Linn is FABULOUSLY fit... muscles everywhere and out to here and over there too... I've seen him workout a couple of times and his personal intensity is a thing to behold. I am no Linn.

I am comming into my athleticism lately (and thanks for the compliment in the comments below, Rachel) in a way I never really expected myself to and feeling really good about where I'm taking myself physically (despite the self-indulgent whining every now and then) and mentally.

In the course of our aproximately 60-90 second conversation Linn said he was really impressed that I don't shy away from the pain and that could help me work others thru that pain because I know it won't kill them. He also mentioned that my personal journey over the last year and a half gives me insight that a lot of personal trainers don't have since many of them have been natural athletes most of their lives and can't relate to the experience of being obese and unfit... He said he'd love to sit and talk to me about it and what it would entail and what I could expect from the whole thing... but he really wanted me to seriously think about it.

So... here I am... thinking about it...

What do you think... would you hire a personal trainer who is also a Midwife? Would you hire a Midwife who was also a personal trainer? It seems like they could be very complimentary careers... but could also be huge conflicts... hmmm...

Midwifery has been my calling for pretty much ever... so that could never be put to the wayside for another career... but I see no reason I couldn't do both... do you? But would I want to? Do I want to? *sigh*

Thoughts to ponder for sure.

:)

Ok... never took the Vicodin...

but that's because they gave me the "exra strength" stuff that has Tylenol (acetaminofin) in it, and I'm pretty paranoid about my liver health right now. Instead I popped about 800mg of Ibuprofen and luckily that worked.

Strangely enough... today it's fine... no pain at all! (HOORAY!)

I did not, however, feel like getting my butt outta bed to get to the gym this morning, so today is a self-imposed rest day... no biggie, I can still go for a run on Saturday and get my 8 workouts for the week in.

Overall I think it wasn't the surgery that sucked so much (tho it did suck) it was sitting there for an hour or more with my mouth jacked open so the Dr. could get in there... and all the drilling and scraping was freakin' annoying. The novocaine worked to keep me outta pain DURING the surgery, but it wore off pretty quickly once I was upright again and that's when the throbbing began.

Diet wise, things stayed on track... all I could eat in my tired, bitchy, annoyed state last night was scrambled eggs so I had 3... and I think I let myself get a little dehydrated because the ketones were closer to the 50 than the 10 this morning. Gonna focus on LOTS of water today.

One last thing... after having Linn tell me that he thought my CKD was really working and that he could see some nice definition in my hamstrings yesterday I muscled up the courage to ask him if he'd teach me a few poses... and luckilly he didn't think I was a freak, and he was really excited to help me out! He's of the opinion that people who spend 10 minutes a night posing in front of a mirror end up with a LOT better definition and a much better awareness of their progress. So on Friday after bootcamp he's going to show me a few poses to start out with... and hopefully I won't feel like an absolute boob doing them.

Wish me luck!

hooray for Vicodin!!

because root-canal surgery fucking sucks ass.

I'm going to bed now.

E I G H T

Well FUCK ME RUNNING, ladies and gentlemen!!!

Today I went to buy new shorts... my 12s from last summer were falling off and I couldn't stand it. (Calling in sick does have it's advantages some times)... so a solo-jaunt down to the Old Navy was in order.

I pulled many pairs of 10s off the racks... Short, shorter, shortest... HA! Bopped on back to the fitting rooms and began the ever agonizing ritual of standing in a little box with a full length mirror and VERY poor lighting while pulling clothes on and off repeatedly for your inspection.

And they were all... every one of them... too freakin big.
They didn't fit in the waist, they bagged in the ass, and somehow, somewhere, somthing in my brain finally clicked (after pair #7 I think) and I realized I needed a different size...

I needed the next size smaller.

So I started throwing them all over the door and the most wonderful Old-Navy Girls began combing the shelves for "the next size smaller" for me.

"The next size smaller."

"The Next Size Smaller."

(you know what I'm talking about here, I know you do... )

"THE NEXT FUCKING SIZE SMALLER!!!"

Every woman who has EVER struggled with her weight knows instinctively that there is a perceived gap between the girls who wear the single digit sizes, and those who wear double digit sizes. The petite girls wear sizes "zero" "two" "four" "six" and "eight," and then the rest of us... those of us who fall in the cagegory of "10 - 30" are not petite and don't get all the uber-cute clothes that the little girls do. I believe 28 or 30 is the point at which they stop even numbering for fear of offending us and just begin telling us that we're "XXXXL" and don't deserve real numbered sizes, or whatever the fuck ever. Yeah right... like we don't know what it really means... fuckers!

In any case... I have, since highschool (I graduated HS in 1992), been a double digit girl.

Getting back into a 10 about 6 months ago was a FABULUOS victory for me because that is literally the smallest size I can ever remember purchasing for myself... there may have been the errant 9 in there when the "painted on jeans" look was in... but otherwise I've been a 12+, and all the way up to an 18+ at my heaviest, for my entire adult life.

But today the 10 didn't fit.

Today, the "next size smaller" was the 8. The first single digit size... The holy grail of some of us who are working so hard mentally, emotionall and physically to become somthing other than the fat girl... the single-digit size...

and I took those shorts and that FREAKING SHORT ASS "beach-skort" from the happy to help me, size zero, Old-Navy Girl and every single one of those fuckers fit.

comfortably.

and with room.

and there were the most cheasy - god awful - hormonal - female tears running down my cheeks as I tried desperately not to burst into joyful sobs right there in the dressing room and really freak out the Old-Navy Girls. So I picked them all up, put them in my bag and bought every last one of them. There ended up being six... three shorts and three skirts.

And for once, I looked in the mirror of a dressing room and I didn't see a fat girl. I saw me... and I am a size 8... and who the fuck cares if I really needed that boost to my ego, because I did, I needed it... and I fucking love it.

whoops

It seems I forgot to put the pics links up during the original move to MT, so it is there now.

Jim - I still don't know how to pose, really... and flexing bi/tri with a straight arm sounds incredibly difficult to me... but if you can explain I promise to try during the next round of picture taking.

Speaking of which... I just ordered a bikini. A real live honest to god bikini.

and its red.

and it has flowers.

lets hope the bravery holds up when its picture takin' time next.

In other news, I'm home "sick" today.

My lower GI tract seems a bit unhappy with me. It started last night, and I'm still feeling the residuals of it today. I really didn't want to be dealing with that at work, so despite the fact that I really feel fine otherwise... I stayed home.

I'm going to skip the workout today for fear of dehydration due to the above mentioned GI issues and just drink lots of water, stay on plan and see how it goes. Tomorrow should be interesting.

I'm working on building more galleries... stuff of me, the kids, etc... so look for those comming up in a few days too!

cheers!

Great Weekend

The weekend was lovely. A good friend has decided to buy a house and I helped her look... we found an awesome realator to help her out and I think she'll probably have a house by the end of the week!!! HOORAY!

Mothers day was FABU! Mike made me Welsh RareBit and I just had a wonderful day.

My weight hit a low of 147 on Friday and was up to 152 today (hooray for carb-re-feed!!!) so it seems I have the potential to store quite a bit of fluid and glycogen in my muscles. I am definitely feeling bloated, even my ring is tight (and it hasn't been tight in months)!! Its back to keto-diet to day tho, and I hope I'll see some further downward progress on the scale by Friday.

I skipped swimming again this morning, but will be doing boot-camp in about an hour and a half. Its goregous, I started the hydroxycut again this morning and I'm really feeling FABULOUS again (finally the sinus pressure has let up)... I was nearly crying Saturday night the pain in mysinuses was so bad... UGH!

The sun is shining, life is good... and I'm typing like a mad woman... caffeine is an amazing thing.

:D

France

I just put up some pictures of my trip to France in March...

you can view the pictures here:

PICTURES FROM FRANCE

I put them out of order kind of intentionally because that's how the whole trip felt, sort of... out of order. Go for the slideshow, it's a pretty neat feature.

b

OH MY GOD!!!

If you have kids and you have NOT heard of Lemony Snicket and his books "A Series of Unfortunate Events" you are a bad parent and I chastise you for having not read them to your kids. (I'm serious... ok, no I'm not... but still...)

These books are better (in my humble opinion) than that silly teen-aged wizard's series that starts with an "H" and ends with an "otter". They are fascinating, use real vocabulary (and explain what it means as part of the story) and have so many wonderful lessons, and make sure kids understand that sometimes its not all happy endings and that life isn't always fair... ah but there is triumph over adversity, and clever thinking and so much wonderful detail... *sigh*

You want the information about the books? Well go here: LEMONY SNICKET

For info about the movie, go here: A Series of Unfortunate Events There are lots of little teaser bits that you won't get unless you've read the book... but man... I'm so excited! And I don't get excited about movies.

On the workout front, Boot Camp today helped work some of the knots out of my legs from yesterdays brutal leg bashing... so that was good! And, hot-teacher-guy Linn said my biceps were looking really good!!! I blushed PROFUSELY, but luckily I was so completely red in the face already that no-one could have told the difference. I did manage to squeek out a "Thanks, I like 'em!" but it was sorta breathy and stupid ditzy sounding so hopefully he doesn't think I'm a complete idiot.

Ah well... time to read more Lemony Snicket to the boys (We're on Book the Second!)