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I'm gonna go drink some wine now...

If you want to read the speech I gave at my graduation today it is below the cut... I was the student speaker for my class.

I could try to speak on behalf of my cohort and try to express the challenges we've had to face and the sacrifices we've had to make in order to push through this program...

Or I could take this opportunity to try to speak TO my cohort and... to be honest... I don't feel qualified to try to express for all of you the frustrations and triumphs you've each encountered as you progressed through this program... so I decided that I needed to shift my focus...

I'm going to read a short story to you. This was written more than a decade ago by Kent Nurberg in his book “Make me an instrument of your peace.” which he says he wrote as a series of personal meditations on St. Francis's famous prayer which starts, “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace...”

This story recently experienced a sort of on-line revival when it was published in a blog and linked to by other blogs and forwarded in emails all over the world... I read it first a couple of weeks ago and it had me in tears... please forgive me if I tear up as I read it to you... keep in mind that Kent himself recently wrote on his own blog in response to the skeptics that the story is real and did actually happen... It begins:

"Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living.

It was a cowboy’s life, a life for someone who wanted no boss.

What I didn’t realize was that it was also a ministry.

Because I drove the night shift, my cab became a moving confessional. Passengers climbed in, sat behind me in total anonymity, and told me about their lives. I encountered people whose lives amazed me, ennobled me, and made me laugh and weep.

But none touched me more than a woman I picked up late one August night. I was responding to a call from a small brick fourplex in a quiet part of town. I assumed I was being sent to pick up some partyers, or someone who had just had a fight with a lover, or a worker heading to an early shift at some factory for the industrial part of town.

When I arrived at 2:30 a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.

Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away.

But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation.

Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked. “Just a minute”, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor.

After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80’s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

“Would you carry my bag out to the car?” she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

“It’s nothing”, I told her. “I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.”

“Oh, you’re such a good boy”, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, “Could you drive through downtown?”

“It’s not the shortest way,” I answered quickly.

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.”

I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.

“I don’t have any family left,” she continued. “The doctor says I don’t have very long.”

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. “What route would you like me to take?” I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, “I’m tired. Let’s go now.”

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

“How much do I owe you?” she asked, reaching into her purse.

“Nothing,” I said.

“You have to make a living,” she answered.

“There are other passengers”.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

“You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,” she said. “Thank you.”

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware - beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."

We are all about to enter an industry that is completely overwhelmed and under-staffed. There is far more need than there is supply and we will be asked to work longer, harder and for less compensation than we probably deserve. We will face frustration, anger and burnout... and the only thing that will sustain us are these great moments... the moments when a patient or family member says, “thank you” or gives us a hug, or smiles through the tears.

Kent says that great moments often catch us unaware, beautifully wrapped in what others my consider a small one.

So what I want to say to you all... To my fellow members of the Ninth Cohort... is that I hope we can all keep our eyes and hearts open... I hope that we all can find enough great moments to sustain us, to keep us moving forward and to prevent us from becoming completely bitter, jaded, and disappointed in nursing as a whole.

Please don't forget to look for the great moments that might be disguised as small ones... and be open to recognizing them as the great moments they are when they come.

Finally I want to say that if there is one thing I believe I am qualified to say on behalf of my cohort it is this:

To our family and friends, Thank you.

Thank you all for sustaining us through this year.

Thank you for your perseverance, your perspective and your willingness to listen, console, counsel and cheer.

Thank you for making our success possible.

We did it.

We're Done.

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Tomorrow they hand me my diploma (replica... the official one comes in the mail) and I will officially be a graduate of the UW Oshkosh Accelerated BSN program.

I completed my 30 minute Grand Rounds presentation today and I am OFFICIALLY DONE!!!

YAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAyaYAYAYA

I'm gonna go DRINK!!!

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We do the workouts and email each other back and forth on a nearly daily basis, so we decided that its possible some-one out there might like to take a peek into that conversation.

To that end we've started a blog over at wordpress. It's nothing big or fancy, but we're using it to keep each other motivated and to track our progress with the WODs.

So... if you feel like checking it out its called:

Crossfit Sisters!

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I lost 3lbs, 1.5" off my waist, 1" off hips, and 0.75" off of each thigh.

I'm pretty pleased with that... considering the fact that I've gained 10lbs since the start of this program last September, I still have a lot of work to do... but I am getting stronger and fitter and to that end I am starting again!

Today I'm starting a 60 day CF challenge... and my end goal is to get 1 pull-up (or chin-up, I don't care which) and be doing all of the pushups for the CF warmup on toes rather than knees, by the end of the 2 months. I'd ask y'all to join me, but as soon as I open comments I get spammed, and type-key is pretty much defunct at this point, so you couldn't even register to comment if you wanted to... maybe I can get my server-host to upgrade us to the latest version of MT or something and use those character/image recognition thingies that everyone is so fond of these days... but uh... I'm kinda busy these days.

In any case, Today is day one... get off yer asses and move, m'kay?

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It wasn't as bad as I'd expected.

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3 rounds, 1 minute at each station, time does not stop between stations... one minute rest between rounds... going for highest number of reps possible:

Three rounds of:
Wall-ball, 20 pound ball, 10 ft target (Reps)
Sumo deadlift high-pull, 75 pounds (Reps)
Box Jump, 20" box (Reps)
Push-press, 75 pounds (Reps)
Row (Calories)

Now, I'm going to have to scale this for a couple of reasons... first of all I only have an 8lb medicine ball, and I don't think I can do a SDHP wiht 75# (going for 45#) and push press the same. Also, because I don't have a rower I'll be doing speed rope jumping instead.

If you want to get fit... you should be doing crossfit. I've drunk the koolaid... that is all.

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In fact, its pretty pissed off at me. I am WAAAAAY behind in my readings (I have 100 pages to read for a test I have to take before midnight tonight and another 600 for the module that starts today) and I have clinical tonight, saturday night and sunday night. When I get home around 0745 each morning I am DEAD. Like nauseous, nearly falling asleep at the wheel on the drive home, DEAD.

AND right at shift change during my first shift on this rotation a patient that we'd been trying to keep comfortable all night died. Just up and died. Now, granted he was 87 had an ischemic bowel that he refused treatment for, and was VERY uncomfortable the whole night despite being pumped full of all the morphine and ativan we could give the poor guy... but the day nurse decided she was gonna stand him up to give him a suppository (tryin to save the freakin day or some shit) without TALKING to us about how his night had gone... and by the time they sat him back down, eyes were fixed and dilated, and he was gone.

If that stupid nurse hadn't stood him up we probably could have gotten ahold of his FAMILY before he died. But nope. I hope she feels like an asshole about that one for a while.

SO... two workouts today because I slept through yesterday... and this weekend I am going to start getting serious about the eating plan again. This stagnation has me frustrated and depressed and I'm just ready to re-apply myself fully so I can fit into my scrubs better and not be pounding the shit out of my knees and feet with these 35 extra pounds I'm carrying around when I run.

I'm looking at picking up a Zone book because I know its a good plan for fitness focused eating... and, as always, there will be food-accountability over at fit-day again.

For now I'd better get back to my text book... its not gonna read itself.

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The theme of the last couple of weeks has been rain. Thunder, lightning and RAIN. Lots of it. Shit is flooding, lakes and rivers running over their banks. Lawns soaked and kids out of school... and thus, inside, and in my hair and on my nerves and I swear to God if one of them whines at me because its STILL RAINING one more time I just might have to smack 'em!!! (well... not really, but damn its tempting sometimes... that or to go find a really dirty sock to stuff in their mouths!).

I'm still in my 30 day crossfit challenge, we're in week 3 I believe... I missed yesterday's WOD, but I just finished making it up and I'll do today's later this evening. I'm making gains in strength and endurance but I'll be damned if the scale hasn't budged an inch. *sigh* I know that I can out-eat any work-out program, but damn... this is an INTENSE one, so I was hoping I'd get to take it easier on the diet. Guess not.

I start clinicals again next Tuesday. This rotation is geriatrics for me and I'm on the sub-acute unit of a local hospital. "Sub-acute" is just code for "rehab" which is where they send older folks after surgery when they need longer recovery than normal or who are "actively dieing" and are on comfort measures but don't want to be at home or in a hospice facility. Should be a relatively mellow rotation except for the fact that its a night-shift. Ugh. I can do days, I can do PMs (3-11pm) but nights is going to be a challenge for me physiologically. My body doesn't like night shift... it likes to sleep when its dark. That's probably one of the main reasons I ended up so depressed when I was living in Alaska... my body wanted to sleep all winter long, which isn't good for the social life of a teen-ager, if ya know what I mean. *sigh*

Kids are good... Older one is off to his dad's in OR for six weeks (yay!) younger one is driving me NUTS with no one to "play with!" I'm sending him off to a movie with Grandma tomorrow so I can take my Geriatrics final in peace and then its prep time for pediatrics. I have 121 days left until I graduate and I am nearly ready to start counting minutes and seconds. Being done still seems like a dream that is SO FAR OFF in the distance... but it IS coming and I just have to make it through 17.5 more weeks.

*sigh*

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I kinda wish I would have... maybe I wouldn't still feel like puking.

Day 7 of the 30 day Cross-fit WOD challenge and I'm REALLY hoping tomorrow is a rest day.

Please... dear cross-fit coach in California... please let tomorrow be a rest day.

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My shoulder press still sucks... I can get the 30# dbs up twice, but I go to the 35s and there's no way in hell.

I dead-lifted 105# 5 times and did back-squat wiht 70# 5 times. I could go heavier on both, but all I have is my adjustable DBS that max out at 52.5# each and there's no WAY I can heft that much up to my shoulders to squat. If I had a bar and some bumper plates... and rings... and a 16# padded medicine ball... and... and...

In other news I am done with my OB clinical rotation and I believe I did very well. My last day was BUSY with every bed on the unit full, moving delivered mom-babies to peds and I personally was in on 2 vaginal births and 2 c-sections (one planned for transverse lie and one for a surprise footling breech!). We also had a VERY precipitous labor with a mom coming up from the ER and barely making it to the bed before pushing out her 7lb baby girl.

I'm pretty proud that I was able to get an 18gauge IV into a fore-arm vein for the first c-section patient. She hated hand IVs, (which is all I've done so far) and forearm veins are just a little deeper, but I got it on the first try and she was very happy with me. (HOORAY!). IVs were the one thing I was just petrified of, but I'm gaining a lot of confidence as time goes on. I still need to gain the muscle memory to keep things in the right order... but once I've got that I think I'll be pretty good at them. The other IV I started that day also only took one poke, so overall it was a good day. 4 healthy babies, for 4 happy families.

And now I must go kill myself with todays cross-fit workout.

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I hurt everywhere.

I hurt everywhere and I am exhausted.

I just finished my last shift of OB Clinicals. In 8 hours I put in 2 IVs, 1 foley, admitted 2 patients and assisted with 2 vaginal and 2 cesarean births (both c-sections were for breech babies, one footling and the other presenting its hip). My feet feel like shredded wheat.

I am also on day 4 of a 30 day CrossFit challenge. (Rest day! YAY!). I am going to do the Crossfit Workout of the Day (plus the standard warm up of 3 rounds of 30sec Samson Stretch, 10 push ups, 10 sit ups, 10 dips, 10 pull ups, 10 squats) every day for 30 days... hopefully that will be a stress release for me and help boost my energy because this school thing is sapping my strength and motivation like nobody's business. So, between running my ass off at the hospital, doing the WODs and trying to get school work done I'm just... burnt.

I keep feeling like I'm forgetting assignments or not finishing things and its really disconcerting. I haven't actually done that (yet) but that anxiety seems to always be hanging over me. Luckily I have all day tomorrow to really get caught up on readings and writings before my final exam in OB on Saturday.

Next week begins our "Aging Client" course... blah.

Right now, I'm exhausted and in pain, so I'm gonna pop some ibuprofen and get some sleep.

ciao.

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Sounds dirty, don't it?

Today I learned to Clean and Jerk. I did it with dumb bells because I don't have a proper bar yet... but holy crap is that a fun (and powerful feeling) move.

The vid I linked to above is from the crossfit website and they have instructional videos and demonstrations of everything they use in their workouts... crossfit makes me want a bar (a real, heavy, bar) with bumper plates and gymnastic rings... mmm... ring dips...

Tomorrow is brutal...

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I have to take my Mental Health Nursing final today between 3 and 7pm, I am NOT looking forward to it. I did well on the first exam, but the second was INSANE (poorly written questions with ambiguously right/wrong answers) and everyone did much worse on it. I need a solid A (to get an A in this program you need better than 93%) to pull an A in the class... but realistically I'm gunning for an A/B this time... we'll see.

I'm planning to spend the weekend reading up in my OB text book because I start on the floor bright and early Monday morning. I may think I know a lot about the physiology of labor and birth, but really... I know NOTHING about nursing care for a woman in labor. I'm a trained doula, but that doesn't mean I'd be able to pick up late-decels on the monitor... or what to do about it if I did.

I am THRILLED to be doing OB tho. The other option I could have been assigned is Mental Health for this clinical... Oh. Hell. No. I mean, I have learned a HELL of a lot about mental health issues and got some HUGE revelations about people I've known who are (or are not) diagnosed with things like bipolar, borderline personality disorder and schizophrenia... but I do not feel that I am in any way ready to deal with other people's mental issues when I still have my own to sort out... thankyouverymuch.

In other news, Nate turned 6 a couple weeks ago. We had a Star Wars themed party here at the house for a dozen of his friends (LITERALLY a DOZEN KINDERGARTENERS FOR 3 HOURS!!!). He had a blast and got TONS of presents so I think he considered it a success.

Val has been doing SO well in school and I don't know if I mentioned but he participated in wrestling for the first time this winter and he was REALLY good at it. Plus he loved it, so that's probably going to be a regular activity for him from here on out. He's got a good friend now who lives just down the street and they're inseparable, especially when they go to the YMCA on the weekends. He's getting so much more mature it blows my mind. He'll be 10 in July... yeowch!

As for fitness etc... I have decided that I don't need to think about my weight at this point... what matters is my fitness level and being able to endure 8-12 hour work-days on my feet as a nurse when I graduate. That's why I decided to start the cross-fit program... well... that and my little sister challenged me (hah!).

We'll see if I make it through today's workout without puking... I am not optimistic.

;)

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Seriously.

Every day they post a workout (today happens to be a rest day so you're safe) and when you look at the workout you think, "What? That's it?" And then you look at the videos to figure out the moves... and you see the AMAZING shape these people are in and you thin, "Sure... why not, I'll give it a shot!" And then you start doing the work outs. Usually 20-30 minutes... no big deal, right?

And then you puke because you've never done anything so freaking challenging in your LIFE and it kicks your ass right to the floor and you think... well no wonder one of their motos is:

"Cross Fit. Your workout is our warmup!"

In the last week I've learned to do a hanging snatch, hanging power-snatch and a thruster... I'm not doing them with much weight, mind you... but I'm getting the motion down so I can safely do so later on... I've only been at this a week and my body HURTS all over and I love love love love love it.

My sister Meghan introduced me... now I'm introducing you... share the love, you know you want to!!!

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S

C

H

O

O

L

It consumes my time, my mental and emotional energy, my concentration, my focus, my stamina and all of my creative faculties.

I love it.

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely L O V E what I'm doing right now, and the things I am learning are absolutely fascinating to me, but oh dear GOD is it hard.

There are challenges to going to school for a professional degree at any age, but I truly believe that going back to school as an adult is more stressful but more rewarding than it would have been in my early 20s.

I am in adult health II clinical right now, and I am on a post surgical floor of a local hospital. Primarily knee and hip replacements along with neurological patients who have had back/neck surgeries. But somehow we get a mix of whatever happens to be coming into the hospital that day as well. We've seen a LOT of influenza A and B with this late flu season and quite a few random illnesses including an appendicitis!

I thought I'd hate working anywhere but OB, but I'm realizing that I was very wrong about that and while I will still hope and pray for an OB position when I graduate, I know I can work on a med-surg floor just fine for a while.